Hello! I hope you're feeling better about things. I totally went through what you’re talking about. No one in my family had had breast cancer - or any cancer - except lung cancer from smoking. My first thought was why me? Then my brain immediately replied why not me? I’m not above this and I’m not special so why not me? This was quickly followed by but why - as in what did I do wrong? I exercised at least 3 days a week, ate pretty good (better than anyone else I know:), and was/am a very happy and spiritual person. However, I also thought/teach middle school (fun but super stressful), used to drink several days a week (which we now know does contribute), and experienced a few years of real stress when my mom died unexpectedly (argued with my dad and accidentally overdosed) which sent my almost grown daughters (and me) into a mental spin for several years. One daughter ended up in jail and then in and out of rehab (she’s finally doing great - ten years later!:) and my other girl spent these years in therapy and is about to start her residency program! (She’s gonna be a pediatrician and has the top grades in her class!!!:)

When I talked to my doctor about all this, he said, basically, you’re 55 years old and it’s like you won the lottery (that you don’t want to win:). He said, regardless of the stress and drinking, your age is the real factor. He said that 2 out of 3 invasive breast cancers happen in women over 55 and told me the why isn’t as important as the what’s next.

I guess either way it’s not healthy to over think or worry about something we can’t go back and change but I can certainly do better moving forward. I’m eating much better, exercising daily, not letting my students (or my grown kids:) stress me out, and not drinking anymore. (It was so easy for me to quit when I was diagnosed!!) I’m in such a better place than I was before my diagnosis. Praying the same will be true for you! My girls and I believe that God can and will make beauty out of the worst of our situations - and that has happened through this cancer. I’m glad I went through this - but I’m so glad it’s over for me (for now). Praying you find peace and that you’ll be able to find beauty of all of this when it’s all done. Praying for you!