Tired of living

It sounds like you are depressed, & could use some help. You should seek professional help to deal with these feelings. Antidepressants helped me, when I felt like I didn’t want to wake up, after losing my Dad. I too, was not suicidal, but clinically depressed. Best of luck to you. There is help.

I am 70.
You and I are floating in the same boat. It is the boat of complex PTSD.

When we are born we are all dealt a hand of cards. That hand of card plays out over our lifetime.

How we play that deck of cards is up to each of us. We are responsible for playing the life we are handed no matter what cards we are dealt.

We can discard bad cards. Then we pick up a new card from the deck of life. We always have the choice to do so. PLUS we have the responsibility to ourselves - and God - to keep playing the game no matter what cards we get.

God gave you your life, don't waste it. Show others how to live it well as there are others suffering like you and you can give others hope.

OR we may pick up cards that make it worse - a bad card.

Suicide is a card you can play, but trust me it may be a bad card you simply do not want to play. Just think about what that card may do: you may not succeed and make your life much worse instead of fixing problems or hurts you keep in your hand of cards.

The KEY to life is that we must DISCARD cards that do not improve our life. Bad cards are poison, bad, bad, bad.

Think seriously about every card, my friend. We need recognize and toss bad cards asap. Bad cards cause us pain sooner or later.

And don't just toss the really bad cards back into the pile.

Burn them to a crisp. Tear them up in little pieces and flush them down the toilet. You have a lot more control than you feel. Think.

Yes, the memory of the card will try to come back. But if we remember that a card that was flushed or burned, the memory on it is much less able to control our thoughts.

To keep my life from going to "hell in and hand basket" I kept picking up cards and discarding. I still keep doing this as I must to survive each moment.

I've learned which ones I need to burn or flush and do it on a regular basis. I must say the burn and flush events definitely decrease over time.

And the older I get the clearer life gets. It is fabulous. This is because I took MORE control of my deck of cards about the time I turned 60.

Like you, I was dealt a deck of cards from hell. Look around you, many people have been dealt "hell" cards. You certainly are not alone, just ask anyone on this forum!

My first hand of cards was that I had a mother who didn't love me.
Another card is that my Mom was an atheist.
Another card was that my Mom abandoned me and my sister.
Another card is that Mom came back and took us away from my stable father (1960s).
Another card was that I was sexually abused me EIGHT years by a stepdad.
Another card is that I was raped at 45.
Another card is that I married a man who sexually abused my daughter.

Sadly, I have more cards but you get my point:

We ALL get a hand of cards.
Some are painful and bad for us.
We all MUST discard the bad cards until we come up with a good enough hand of card, a livable hand.

One that doesn't get and keep us depressed and ready to throw in the hand; commit suicide. Chose to pick up more cards, not commit suicide. Your life is here for a reason, find it.

Each day, no matter how tire and angry we are at whatever cards have been dealt us, we all must muster the will and control to keep discarding the bad cards, and picking up new ones.

The will is there, but sometimes it gets buried in the bad cards we need to discard. Sometimes we need a good friend, a good doctor and good medications to help us come out of the fog and tiredness of dealing with all the life pain. We need friends and support so we can get direction to continue to function so we can "play out the cards" and keep at the job of living life.

There is no shame in admitting we feel so bad we want to commit suicide, because God gives us angels and help all the time. HE gave us this forum and all the people on it, all of us are here to let you know you are not alone and we don't want you to give up because there is good down the road for you.

Life didn't bring the God card to the top of the deck until I was 61 years old.
Life didn't bring the best doctor (for me) until I was 66.

Sorry I write too much. But at 70 I look back and praise God I kept picking up and discarding because the longer I have kept at it the more cards come up good.

@stevemass5, it is such a struggle to argue with echoes of the messages you heard as a young boy. I'm sorry that you were treated as worthless. No child should hear those words. Look at any young child and remember how young and defenceless you were to those words and actions. The role of adults is to love and nurture. Some are not able to, dealing with struggles of their own.

Now, as an adult yourself, you are faced with the hard work to turn around that negative talk, and to recognize and internalize that you are worthy of love. @slarson14's analogy of a deck of cards is a great visual. I also agree with @amyb5 that getting out of the dark place is really hard to do on your own.

Do you see a therapist?

@slarson14 I have to tell you that yours is an amazing post. Congratulations on your choices in life, and now sharing your method of destroying the bad cards you were dealt. We all have bad thing happen, but I've never heard it put in these terms. Thank you!

Thank you.

As a nine year old, we all can understand why you might have made a decision to end your life. But at sixty one?
Perhaps Everyone here would say that what your mother says is no more than a bizarre picture of a a very mentally disturbed person. Have you not had a life since then as a teen in school or later at work with other people around you that gave you a more realistic view of YOURSELF and LIFE?

Now let's assume you didn't have to worry about roof-over-your head and daily reminders for food, never mind fun/non-survival needs, which indeed become MORE important once our survival needs are taken care of. In other words: WE cannot live by satisfying our biological needs alone. This is very true. There were actually two books recently published that said the same thing: We Want to feel that WE MATTER. It is an instinct, books remind us, and therefore are as strong as our need for protection from weather, danger, and hunger. Actually Dali lama has said something like this: we cannot see ourselves as "superfluous." We Want To Feel WE Count, and are not just Nobody.

As a one with six decades of Life-Experience, the only thing you want to have toward your mother is not anger, not hate, but a wish with empathy as a fellow human who is unable to live her own life as fully as she could have. But she is an adult and needs to live the life she wants; neither side OWES the other anything except good will. Yes, that may be hard, but this will help YOU... to become what You want from Your life. And that is a project, you and I, can look forward to Each day.

Each day I try to live with my 24 hours so that I'll not look back say: Damn, I shouldn't have wasted on such and such. As an 82 y,o. it's getting more precious each day. Let's hear how you wish to plan your next day, week, month. Nature is generous toward each of us: 24 hrs doled out -- no questions asked. HOW we spend those will make us feel better or worse by the end of the day.
Onboard to a life that awaits you and I, to be lived with our best desires as they will make us healthy AND the world around us a little healthier, too.

Same here! My mother was a disaster! I am 62 also and deal with the same issues. You are not alone!

Where are you? Let’s get together for lunch - cheer us both up!

Chris

@slarson14
you do not have to apologize for writing too much, it is wonderful that you took the time, and I am sure it helped

‘Will I Ever be Good Enough? healing for Daughters (all adult children) of Narcissistic Mothers’ Carolyn McBride. After absorbing and relating to this book I actually had more compassion for mom who didn’t understand empathy. Must suck going through life like that and helped me call her with compassion rather than in fear during the last years of her life. Ridiculed since day one is no way to grow up making healthy decisions. Still working on that at 71. Reminder: our Lord loves you NO MATTER WHAT!

@tkurello Thank you for saying so. Positive words mean a lot to someone who is told "you talk too much".

As a child I was basically mute - astonished by the weird world my parents had trapped me in.

But there were good things they did teach me, too: to tell my children "I love you on a daily basis, hug them and make them the center of my world".

Life handed me another card: I haven't seen one of my four children in my home in more than 5 years and they never invite me to visit, never call.

So I lay that card aside and wait. They too will grow old and know.