How do you get over the loneliness?

Monica, I definitely relate other than the crying. My husband has suffered from depression since he retired just over 10 years ago. As a friend once said, nothing is lonelier than being lonely in a marriage. I think that is because of the expectation of companionship and probably more so that needs aren't being met. I feel the worst is needs not being met and the spouses ability to not even see that or try.....to be so self absorbed for whatever reasons, that they have nothing to give to anyone else. I know that sounds rather bleak. I find having my own separate life helps tremendously. A circle of friends to do things with, going solo to do things I want to do, focusing on what would bring me joy . I refuse to be codependent or an enabler as much as possible.

I finally went, by myself, to counseling. I needed to know I was not crazy for crying at the drop of a hat all the time. My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer (spread to bone and lymph nodes) 3 years ago. He also rejected me, no talking, touching etc. This went on for 4 months. I finally told him I couldn't live like this (we'd been married 53 years at that time). He agreed to go to counseling separately first. When he joined me with my counselor it was eye opening. He finally opened up about his fears, not wanting me to have to go through this, loss of manhood etc.
Even if he doesn't go I would go myself. You need to get your footing with the situation and take care of you.

@crabby55 thank you so much for your post. I think your friend is absolutely right. I used to be upset doing things alone, but you are right, if I don’t do things solo, I am being an enabler. I am fortunate to have a good group of friends and I need to let them help by getting me out without feeling guilty. I’m sorry for your situation, but you seem like a strong person and your strength will definitely help me. Thank you!!

@linric70 thank you for sharing. I hope things are going better for you and your husband. I think counseling would be a good idea. I would love for him to open up and tell me what he’s feeling. If I knew that, maybe I wouldn’t feel so unloved and lonely.

@crabby55
Thank you for your post. I have been the caregiver for my elderly father for over five years in my husband and I’s home. My husband is getting ready to retire. Dad’s health is declining and may soon become more than I can handle alone (and because of some of his health issues, in home care help is not possible). My husband has sacrificed a lot in terms of freedom, privacy, finances, and companionship for my dad’s situation. At this huge life transition (retirement), it is really good that you reminded me that he not only deserves, but needs me to be fully present and not just receiving my exhausted left overs while the main focus is Dad. Dad needs to continue to be a priority, but I’m going to need to find ways where his needs are supported but I still have time and energy for my husband. Thank you so much.

@momica It really helped me. In the midst of all this it helped me keep my head above water. Love and hugs to you and your husband. P

I live alone. I am estranged from my entire family, including mom and sister, because I lived vs cancer killing me. They don’t want to know how I am doing so we are distant. I have battled loneliness but have a strong tribe, take road trips to go see people, go to the office to see colleagues and anything I can do to live and be present.
I do not take any meds for anxiety or depression but use a device called alpha stim. It works for me and helps with loneliness.

@momica I am glad my strength helped you. Please do not feel guilty. We all have choice. I know my husband in his depression does not see that he has a choice. I actually have done things solo for so long I often prefer that. I'm impatient or I like to do things on the fly. Like going to a movie! I can decide last minute what is playing where and up and go.

@linric70 I am so happy for you that going to counseling was successful. Even better that your husband went solo to figure things out and then was able to go together. Beautiful.

@crabby55 tonight my husband complained of a headache and being chilled. I gave him a couple Tylenol and a heated blanket and took his temperature, which was normal. Asked what else I could do. He said nothing and fell asleep. So I took a candlelight bubble bath, listened to relaxing music, drank flavored water out of a wine glass (just for fun). I totally relaxed. When I got out, he was feeling better. Then I nicely told him that the day he comes home from treatments that it’s probably not a good idea to go to the shop in 32 degree weather with the shop door opened and stand on a cold cement floor lifting heavy tractor tires and whatever else he was doing. Kinda had to treat him like a child. But because of your comments, I took care of myself first so I wouldn’t get angry or be enabling him. I hope to keep it up. Thank you again for sharing.