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Caring for mom with stage 4 Triple negative Breast Cancer and dementia

Posted by gigiknits @gigiknits, Feb 22 10:50pm

My 87 year old mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Triple Negative Breast Cancer. After finding a large lump3 weeks ago, her mammogram detected 2 masses in her breast and 4 lymph glands that were suspect. Biopsies were positivefor all. She had a Pet scan this week and spots were found in her liver. Due to her age, health and dementia she is not having treatment. We meet with pallative care this week. Until then I have so many questions. I have been Mom's caregiver for several years. She has lived with me for the past 14 years.
Trying to explain things to her is difficult. She "finds" the lump almost every day. Other times she remembers she has cancer but is confused about what that means.
She hasn't had any pain until tonight, when she said it hurts from her breast all the way through to her back. She said she just doesnt feel good. She asked for a pain pill which is very out of character for her.
I went through this with my husband when he was diagnosed with lung cancer and passed 4 months later.
I don't know what to expect or what to do. Overwhelmed is a reality. I just need to know what to watch for, how fast could this progress, any information to help me help my mom. I had thought the dementia would take her from me, it has been slowly for the past few years. I want to do what's best for her.
Thank you for any insights.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Breast Cancer Support Group.

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Mentor
Miriam, Volunteer Mentor | @mir123 | Feb 23 7:51am

When my dad became terminal, and also had dementia, we put him into hospice so that he could get the most supportive end of life care. Has hospice been suggested for your mom, or is the suggestion for palliative care, which can also be good? Your questions are important, but may be difficult to answer, as these things are often variable. You might ask her doctor (s) directly or discuss with a hospice or palliative care doctor. Do you have any support yourself or are you the only caregiver? Medical social worker might be able to tell you the best way to get some additional care. Personally, I've found hospice very helpful in several situations--have used their social worker, chaplain, nursing, and more. I'm sure you'll get some good feedback here--and wishing you all the best with this difficult time.

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gigiknits | @gigiknits | Feb 23 8:21am
In reply to @mir123 "When my dad became terminal, and also had dementia, we put him into hospice so that..." + (show)
Profile picture for Miriam, Volunteer Mentor @mir123

When my dad became terminal, and also had dementia, we put him into hospice so that he could get the most supportive end of life care. Has hospice been suggested for your mom, or is the suggestion for palliative care, which can also be good? Your questions are important, but may be difficult to answer, as these things are often variable. You might ask her doctor (s) directly or discuss with a hospice or palliative care doctor. Do you have any support yourself or are you the only caregiver? Medical social worker might be able to tell you the best way to get some additional care. Personally, I've found hospice very helpful in several situations--have used their social worker, chaplain, nursing, and more. I'm sure you'll get some good feedback here--and wishing you all the best with this difficult time.

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@mir123
Thank you for responding. We do have an appointment with a palliative care person on Thursday. I am Mom's only caregiver. My 15-year-old grandson also lives with me, and while he is a huge help, I don't want to rely on him too much. My brother and sister live out of state (or I should say I am the one who moved from home and then brought my parents south with me). They will fly in for a visit, but other than calls and texts, that's it.
I am in contact with my church, but have not been able to attend in person for over a year. I have asked for a Stephen Minister.
Thank you again.

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beyourownadvocate | @beyourownadvocate | Feb 23 10:08am
In reply to @gigiknits "@mir123 Thank you for responding. We do have an appointment with a palliative care person on..." + (show)
Profile picture for gigiknits @gigiknits

@mir123
Thank you for responding. We do have an appointment with a palliative care person on Thursday. I am Mom's only caregiver. My 15-year-old grandson also lives with me, and while he is a huge help, I don't want to rely on him too much. My brother and sister live out of state (or I should say I am the one who moved from home and then brought my parents south with me). They will fly in for a visit, but other than calls and texts, that's it.
I am in contact with my church, but have not been able to attend in person for over a year. I have asked for a Stephen Minister.
Thank you again.

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@gigiknits
I was the sibling who stepped up to take care of my Dad when he started showing signs of dementia. He also had melanoma and congestive heart failure. He didn’t want to treat the cancer but the doctors said since it was growing fast and in his neck, it would slowly strangle him to death.
At 97, there was a domino effect of heart issues, melanoma and dementia. I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he was tired and just wanted to go home and sleep. So I put him in hospice.
It was a difficult choice but why put him through treatments that would not remove him from the pain of his other ailments?
He died within the month of being put in hospice.
Prayers and wisdom are sent your way in caring for your Mother at this time.

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Mentor
Miriam, Volunteer Mentor | @mir123 | Feb 23 3:36pm
In reply to @gigiknits "@mir123 Thank you for responding. We do have an appointment with a palliative care person on..." + (show)
Profile picture for gigiknits @gigiknits

@mir123
Thank you for responding. We do have an appointment with a palliative care person on Thursday. I am Mom's only caregiver. My 15-year-old grandson also lives with me, and while he is a huge help, I don't want to rely on him too much. My brother and sister live out of state (or I should say I am the one who moved from home and then brought my parents south with me). They will fly in for a visit, but other than calls and texts, that's it.
I am in contact with my church, but have not been able to attend in person for over a year. I have asked for a Stephen Minister.
Thank you again.

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@gigiknits Glad to hear from you.Do keep in touch with us when you feel like and tell us how things are going.

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Profile picture for beyourownadvocate
beyourownadvocate | @beyourownadvocate | Feb 23 10:50pm
In reply to @beyourownadvocate "@gigiknits I was the sibling who stepped up to take care of my Dad when he..." + (show)
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@gigiknits
I was the sibling who stepped up to take care of my Dad when he started showing signs of dementia. He also had melanoma and congestive heart failure. He didn’t want to treat the cancer but the doctors said since it was growing fast and in his neck, it would slowly strangle him to death.
At 97, there was a domino effect of heart issues, melanoma and dementia. I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he was tired and just wanted to go home and sleep. So I put him in hospice.
It was a difficult choice but why put him through treatments that would not remove him from the pain of his other ailments?
He died within the month of being put in hospice.
Prayers and wisdom are sent your way in caring for your Mother at this time.

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@beyourownadvocate
I should have added, that during this time, I was going through radiation for my DCIS breast cancer.

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Moderator
Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Mar 6 5:08pm
In reply to @gigiknits "@mir123 Thank you for responding. We do have an appointment with a palliative care person on..." + (show)
Profile picture for gigiknits @gigiknits

@mir123
Thank you for responding. We do have an appointment with a palliative care person on Thursday. I am Mom's only caregiver. My 15-year-old grandson also lives with me, and while he is a huge help, I don't want to rely on him too much. My brother and sister live out of state (or I should say I am the one who moved from home and then brought my parents south with me). They will fly in for a visit, but other than calls and texts, that's it.
I am in contact with my church, but have not been able to attend in person for over a year. I have asked for a Stephen Minister.
Thank you again.

Jump to this post

Hi @gigiknits, I wanted to check in to see how you are doing.

I added your discussion to the Caregivers: Dementia support group as well https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/caregivers-dementia/

I'm also tagging @mimiz12 who cared for her mother-in-law who was diagnosed with breast cancer when living with dementia.

Gigi, how did the appointment with palliative care go? How are YOU doing?

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