I understand your pain, I have similar concerns about my life. I live alone & have been divorced for over 30 years. Now that I am a senior I worry about my children & my finances. Until last year, I have always worked, did volunteer work etc. a year ago I moved to a new state & am not working or voluterring & having a difficult time adjusting to this new lifestyle. I was a victim of a pedophile when I was young & had a baby I gave up for adoption. In those days it was always the girls fault & I felt like I had a scarlet letter on my back. It was never discussed in over 50 years & never discussed or told anyone all those years. After years of researching for him, five years ago I found him & he had been looking for me. I never had help in all the those years & have felt worthless & didn't have confidence in myself & went through two divorces. I had a son in my first marriage & I also lost a full term baby too, that was the last of my marriage at that point. I gave birth to three sons & now I have one son to take care of. My son had an accident at age 16 & came very close to dying, if I had lost him I don't know what I would have done. I had to get a job & find a place to live & back in those times renting a apartment for a single women was basically unheard of. I tried to block out all the mistakes I had made up & until this point in my life. I felt hopeless & didn't know what to do, however looking at my life today I found the biggest thing I have is I am a survivor. It hurts me deeply that do not have the relationship with the son I found like I do with the son I raised. But they are adults & have their own lives to live & I need to find my life & move forward with how ever many years I have left. I don't like being around other people & I live in a community with many amenities but have not participated in anything. It is a struggle each day to find a reason to do something, but I know I am a survivor & try not to think about the past because that is what it is, my past. Now I need to move forward, I just take one day at a time, baby steps, to move on. I am sure if you can get your mind off of the negativity & your past you too will find you are a survivor too. Baby steps each day....best of luck to you.