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Good afternoon @jimhd , @lisalucier, et al.
I am still doing ketamine infusions every 8 weeks and TMS last fall to supplement it. While I am not sure the TMS helped with the depression, it did wonders for the migraines I have had for years. I did ECT a decade ago and it made things worse for me. I think I will go through another round of TMS soon to see if that will help this time around. I will say the ketamine infusions have been life altering for me. The last six years have been much better than I thought they ever could be.
The last two weeks have been bad and my wife has been amazing. I really don't deserve the wonderful person that she is. I think it is mainly stress and worry that have triggered this round of problems. I have been suicidal for the past two weeks but haven't acted on it since I have four people in my life that it would be devistated (mother, two daughters, and wife). Maybe we can't understand each other's pain I can at least say I sympathize with you and why you feel that it would have been better if you had died. I won't commit suicide but I often think about if an accident were to happen and I died, it would be OK.
@jimhd I didn't read through everything in the tread so forgive me if I missed what you have tried. If you haven't tried ketamine infusion (it's different than Spravato and uses both ketamine molecules instead of just one) or TMS, I would give them a try.
Hoping for you.
Mark
Replies to "Good afternoon @jimhd , @lisalucier, et al. I am still doing ketamine infusions every 8 weeks..."
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@mandrake70 I'm researching several options - ECT, TMS, Spravato and perhaps trying some new antidepressants. Ketamine isn't covered by Medicare, so it's not possible for financial reasons. Some of the options can be scary.
Depression came to a head in 2003, and I attempted suicide by overdose a number of times. I was always angry and disappointed when I woke up. I finally told my PCP about it (and my wife at the same time), and he told me I needed to check in to a facility associated with the main hospital in our area. I stayed for 3 weeks and had a 3 day return visit three months later. I've only made one attempt since then, around 15 years ago.
Reasons for not ending my life are the same as yours - my wife, daughter and son and 3 granddaughters. They're my primary safety plan. That said, suicidal thoughts are always in the back of my mind, and they like to pop up with triggers. I'm safe most of the time, but when depression or PTSD get worse, I'm too close to being at risk for comfort. I've been going through those low times quite a bit the past couple of months. That's why I think it's time to try a new approach. I'm reluctant to do TMS because I would have to stop my antidepressant, Wellbutrin, and the Klonopin I take for anxiety and RLS. The Klonopin is particularly hard to taper off, and I don't know how long I'd have to be off it prior to doing TMS. Also, TMS is an hour away from home. That's a lot of driving and fuel. ECT is only 25 minutes away, and doesn't have as many treatments. Spravato is also an hour away, and because I had such a bad dissociative reaction to the high dose in the hospital last year, it may not be an option for me.
Life is complicated.
I get what you said about dying in an accident or from a terminal illness. My brother had a stroke during surgery in December and didn't survive. Times like that, I think "why him and not me".
I get weary making myself focus on reasons for living, and staying busy with things that would normally make me happy. That's what the therapist tells me every time I see him. Sometimes those things just don't make much difference.
Jim