@jenatsky I'm still dealing with depression and PTSD and I'm considering options beside meds. I've been taking the same ones for 20 years, after trying a number of others over the course of 5 years. I'm looking at ECT and TMS, but there are issues with both. I'd have to stop my antidepressant Wellbutrin and Klonopin for TMS, and I'm afraid of what that will do to me. ECT has fewer than half the number of treatments than TMS and is half the distance from home. BUT my wife and adult children are vehemently opposed to ECT because of the horror stories. The thing is, the horror stories are what get heard, even though they are a small percentage of actual outcomes, and even though it's the definitive treatment for treatment resistant MDD. I'm still considering ECT because I'm tired of living like this.

I don't feel at risk for suicide, but the thoughts are always in the conscious part of my mind.

I've heard so many well intentioned people say things about suicide that are just not at all helpful to a suicidal mind. Things like it's selfish or it's a choice or a sign of the devil in my heart. The list is long. The same goes for what well meaning people say to a depressed person. They often just make it worse.

So, my struggle right now is getting my family to respect my decision regarding treatment. I'm not normally an assertive person, so I'm finding it hard to be heard. I get ambushed with the negatives and responding is hard for me. Very frustrating! My past response has been just to give up or give in.

Normally this is snow season, but it's been spring weather this year. My wife would have to drive me home from ECT treatments, which are done only at 6 a.m., 30 minutes from home, and she doesn't do snow. Yet another consideration. Whatever I decide, it will have to be put on hold until the real spring comes.

By now I'm rambling. There are days when I don't know how much longer I can live with the mental health issues and chronic pain.

Thank you for asking.

Jim