Mistake to move near adult child?

@methel I certainly understand any reluctance to involve any government entity in many countries, including U.S. What about a faith based advocate of some kind? Best wishes.

@westwoman3698

This is all I can say: when I invite others, including outside organizations, into my problem, I must accept that I may not be able to control the outcome as much as if I dealt with the problem myself. This is because the ‘outside’ brings its own preferences and beliefs and missions into the mix. And I may not share, or even agree with, all of those things.

@raebaby I am also 84 and live in Northern California. I have one daughter in Southern California who suddenly became a widow last year with two adult sons and another daughter in Maryland married, no children. She just lost her job as she worked for the Corporation for Public Radio. I'm at home and my husband, 80, still runs a commercial real estate office. I don't know how to play this if I am the one left but still can navagate my body and brain. Do I stay here or do I move closer to one of my daughters. I was an only child and I remember my parents telling me that they didn't want to be a burden to me as they got older. Well it didn't work that way. They always lived near me and my husband and I were exactly the ones taking care of them along with hospice.

It's hard having the kids deal with me as if I am old (I don't like admitting I am). It would be a problem if they didn't still act respectful. Luckily they are great, and and honest and don't need me to support them. I plan on moving into my daughter's basement apartment in Portland if the time comes that I have to.
I'd tell you not to move until you can't take care of yourself. If your husband is still healthy you are so lucky!

Go back to your former neighborhood.
It’s very hard to move to a new area when you don’t know anyone- plus getting new support systems in place.
Your daughter needs to find her own way in life and that could include moving and finding a husband. It’s her life. If she told you she was going to stay put and indicated it would be helpful for you to live nearby and then changed her mind, certainly you would be upset. So go back to where you had your own life. Living near one’s kids can be risky should they decide to move away. Best wishes- can’t imagine your disappointment.

Most seniors that I know have adult children who live nearby and they get limited support and communication. Imo, expecting more can be disappointing, especially if hands on care and assistance is needed by the parent.

@gussie

Your post reminded me of something that my mother had said. Both she and my father were only children. When their parents got old, they took care of them. Anyway, my mother said that the good thing to being the only child was that you never had to argue with a sibling that they needed to help out more. If your parents needed help, you knew who was going to do it.

We did not live close to any of our adult children for about 20 years, they were all out of the nest. We were in touch but they are boys - 3 - and independent, no clinginess.
So I retired 6 years ago and hubby and I had to decide where we might want to live, we knew we would move as we had ended up in a distant state, no family anywhere close.
Our youngest lived in a lovely state where we’d lived before and always hoped to get back. So we moved an hour drive away from him. And it’s been fantastic. We get to see him often, and he’s always happy to see us. (Or else he’s an excellent actor)! I don't know if it makes a difference - he’s single - maybe things would be different if he was married, with a family and so had these obligations?
He stays busy with his more than 40 hours/week job, and he has many interests, but we join him for lots of things, and at our house he enjoys good meals and almost always brings laundry with him (doesn't have washer/dryer in his condo, has to take it to the basement there).
Wanted to share this, sometimes your adult children can be your best friend!

This is what it seems to boil down to in terms of figuring out which way to go:

Communicate honestly, including your wishes and your fears. Let them know you would be disappointed to find that you are incurring on their freedom, their mojo, their wish to be able to do what they want when they want to do it, and that your proximity and needs have begun to have a negative impact on their quality of life. So, if you are to decide to move there on your own accord, or by their invitation, it has to be completely open and honest both ways. Moving costs more than just the time and effort, and any professional fees and service changes, address changes, etc. It takes an emotional toll. It will be far worse if it turns out to be a mistake.

Then, comes the balance between moving next door, or in with them (eeeeee..!!), or about 30-45 minutes' drive away so they don't feel they have to be present with you every day. Will there be stairs or a good, reliable elevator? All one level? Hospital or walk-in clinic nearby? Must you drive to shopping, or will a five minute walk take you to where you can get most of what you need daily? And so on..

In the past 15+ years as my friends & I have aged from our early 70's to late '80's I've watched as many of them have made life decisions ranging from selling their homes & moving to Retirement Communities to moving MILES away from what was "their Life" for Years - to new towns &/or cities to be near 1 (or more) of their Off-Spring. What I've found is "There is NO 1 size fit's All" ... however it seems to me the friends who remain where home is Still Home, Making new friends as the long-time friends either move into a retirement community, move far away, or passing away, friends who stay in their home (where everything is familiar ) seems to give them a sense of security, peace, & stability. Again I'll say, "No 1 size fit's All". Before making that decision to make a drastic change, if you can afford to ... lock-up your home, try-out the new life-style, & see if you're happier ..... OR Not!
Friends of mine did Exactly That ... & after 18 months living very near their daughter & Grandchildren they found is: instead of coming to visit her for several days at a time when she was in the home where they grew up, now living very near them they see's them a little more often, but their visits are either "on their way to somewhere, so only can stay a few minutes", or just dropping in for an hr., then off to another activity. After 18 months of that, they decided to sell the Condo, move back "Home" & buy a smaller home to be near all their friends & familiar activities.