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Blaming and anger: How do you deal with it?
Caregivers: Dementia | Last Active: 5 hours ago | Replies (30)Comment receiving replies
@celia16 My husband is in a senior facility where he's independent but gets lots of care. He's always been very loving toward me and even with dementia he's been really appreciative of me in general, even bragging about me to nurses and doctors. But recently he's been agitating for a return home (he's always done that but it's more heated now) and I'm afraid to do that for several reasons, one being my own nervousness. Now he's insisting that he owns the house, that he's the one who paid for it (he did contribute the lion's share to our 26 yr. marriage) and I feel guilty because I also feel very grateful and beholden to him. I've done everything I can since he had a bad fall in August to get him to where he is today and I'm exhausted, to say the least. It's hurtful to hear him say it's his house or that I've thrown him out. He's where he needs to be and it's a very good place. Since August, I've visited him every day but three. I pulled out all the stops to make his apartment a pleasant place to be, bought him a terrific new TV and do a whole lot of other stuff too. I don't know what to say when he starts in on how he owns the house because he paid for it and asks me how much I contributed to the down payment 23 years ago. Any suggestions for how to handle this or think about it my self would be appreciated.
Replies to "@celia16 My husband is in a senior facility where he's independent but gets lots of care...."
@pamela78 , navigating through dementia caregiving is challenging. It progresses at different rates, so the level of care someone requires changes. Does he have supervised care where he is? Is there anyone to alert you if he tries to leave? Does he have the means to leave? Since he’s talking about visiting home, I’d explore those issues and address them. Longterm, an independent living situation usually isn’t feasible. My cousin went from regular assisted living to a Secure Memory Care pretty quickly. I can’t recall any positive posts reports about taking family members back to the home. There are many risks….them getting disoriented, confused, agitated and even refusing to return to the facility. If that happens it’s a huge problem.
People with dementia may make all kinds of statements. Some true, some based on some truth and some completely false. Not letting the statements distract you is key. The top priority is having them in an environment of protection and care. Their claim on the home does not change that. Because reasoning, judgement and processing information is often missing, getting them to understand and accept an explanation is often impossible. So, regardless of what you say….will it placate him? Are there words that will acknowledge his feelings yet keep him from acting out? Complimenting him on what a good provider he was, thanking him for his hard work, etc. But, delaying any plans for visits. For a short while my dad thought people were stealing from him. They weren’t, but after he could not be convinced otherwise, I promised, I would get video cameras installed to catch them. And, any missing funds would be returned by insurance. Dealing with what works in the moment was the best we could do. Eventually, it’s forgotten. Consoling, distracting, staying positive…….
I always recommend a legal consult to find out your rights and responsibilities for marital issues and Estate planning.
Teepa Snow you tube videos may be helpful.
Unfortunately, with dementia progressing….there doesn’t seem to be a way to address an issue and things become ok. There are usually daily issues, problem behaviors, agitation, etc. Even with meds there seems to be issues. Often, keeping a person with this condition happy and content isn’t possible, even with meds, based on my experiences. Please take breaks. It will impact your health too. Please take care.
Hang in there, Pamela. You made the right decision for you and your husband. It's time for you to self-care.
Does your husband have a will or trust? Is your name on the deed to to house? If you don't already have an attorney to protect your rights, you should think about getting one.
I wish you the best.
Hugs,
George's Wife
P.S. George has fallen at least 25 times in the last year but he has never seriouly hurt himself. If your husband comes back home, who knows whether he'll have another bad fall--and then blame you!
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@pamela78 p.s. I have Power of Attorney.