Hi there thank you for sharing that. I enjoy learning about the Bible and in church yesterday actually , Pastor talked about Ahaz who I believe was the son of Ahab or grandson maybe ? And how he was so wicked and yet why did God give him the message of Jesus and how he would be born to a virgin and I can't remember how the entire verse or prophecy went without my notes but I was crying during church just how God can come to the most wicked even and offer repentance and a sign of mercy and grace just meant so much to me at that time. I have always been so hard on myself and never felt like I deserved forgiveness or goodness even though I never really did anything that bad I had so much bad happen at a young age , like a lot of people do , and It just jaded me against myself and even now without what I thought was the help of alcoohol and stuff it's hard to not get that sinking feeling once in a while. So having the Pastor talk about it really moved me .
When I was sick and I felt God come to me after I had been hospitalized for almost a month. It was the middle of the night and no it wasn't an audible voice but I was up and was overwhelmed with emotions my heart ached literally hurt and I just wanted a Bible. I called the nurse asked if I could get one from someone. (At the time my phone had fell and the screen was cracked so I couldn't really read it if I wanted to on the phone.)

She said she would see what she could do ,she saw how upset I was and she tried All night to get someone from the spiritual services , but everyone was home and the offices were locked . Finally the next morning a pastor came in with a Bible that I still have and prayed with me and from that moment on I wasn't afraid anymore. I was sad sometimes thinking of my son if I died. I know he would be sad and have to go through so much and I was sad for that but I wasn't afraid to die. I knew that God was with me from that moment on. And I have had so many signs in my life since then and even before once I sat and started thinking clearly about my life and all the years I was so dumb and silly and yet blessed and carried through so much ! God was always there even when I didn't believe or I questioned it. I would say such ridiculous things about how it couldn't possibly be real what about this and what about that and now ...it's like there is no one or nothing that could ever make me believe that God isn't real. The grace and mercy I received ...there's just no other way to explain so much in my life that happened. Even the bad...so much bad when I was younger I know only led me up to this resilience and I need to get my faith back I guess. Not my faith in God but that I'm worthy. And it's really starting to get better the last few days. I'm opening my heart to God's love again and so thankful for it. ❤️ Thanks again for the words of encouragement. All the comments mean so much and have helped a lot . I'm so grateful I stumbled upon this page