My wife is furious at me 3 weeks post RARP

@readandlearn
I like the fact that your doctor gave you as much information but did not push you into a decision he wanted. When I was diagnosed with PC, my oncologist was/is very thorough and gave me information, options but wanted me to own MY decision. When I was diagnosed with PC, I chose to go with RARP because even in my early 70's I was healthy, stayed active and he felt I was a good candidate for the surgery. Had the surgery 3 months ago am still a bit tired at times but recovering well with PSA dropped to .04 I'm appreciate that he gave me good information but left decision with me....If there is recurrence I"m ready and will cross that bridge if/when needed....

"Poke her in the eye with it" You are a rascal. I had a radical prostatectomy many years ago, and the surgeon was careful with the important nerves. A few weeks later, with the help of my friend, I achieved a modest erection. That capability grew quickly and continued for more than 10 years, until radiation therapy scorched my urethra and bladder and introduced incontinence, which made intercourse unpleasant. Together, we found a different and very successful alternative, which helped us fall in love a second time. Whether you achieve eyepoke capability or take another approach, I think this is a great opportunity for you and your wife, and I wish you the very best.

@seeker001 …and that alternative would be?…

@beaquilter Warms my heart reading about the connectedness and vulnerableness you share with your husband - bravo.

@heavyphil We'll send you a copy of the Kama Sutra. Lots of ideas there. 😉

Hello. I am so sorry to hear that your wife is so uninformed and only able to see the worst side of your surgery with little or no hope for the future. Firstly. I would encourage her to get more knowledge and do some constructive research on the issues and subject matter at hand. Secondly, going the radiation route has all of the side effects as well only they come more slowly and have their own set of negative side effects. Most importantly, 3 weeks is absolutely NO time to evaluate anything about anything. It’s like asking your wife, if she was ever pregnant, what will all the attributes and behaviors of our first child be when he or she is born? It’s absolutely ludicrous!!!!!! Now, Having the RALP myself in October of 2022 I can say that there were some bumpy parts of the road along the way.
However, most surgeons advise both the husband and wife up front that it can take between 6-24 months to regain much or most of your sexual abilities and many times even longer. She needs to be a lot more patient and significantly more proactive.
It’s a huge change in a man’s life. Especially if you were very sexually active prior to your surgery. Frankly, I didn’t feel anything down there at all for the first 6 months. However, I wasn’t expecting too! Over time things will begin to come back stronger. During the interim, there a number of medications and other things you and use to help bolster up your friend down there. I would recommend that your wife do some reading on that as well.
Cut to the chase. It’s been 3+ years for me and I will have full on nocturnal erections that are easily capable of having sexual intercourse with my wife. I am 71 years old with a very strong libido. Although there are times where I can have my buddy stand up on command, it happens fewer times more than many.
Personally, whenever my wife and I want to have sex and my natural erection can only get me 80% there, (close, but not hard enough). I inject a TRIMIX injection into my penis and I am ready to go in minutes.
Keeps you erect for up to an hour on average. There are different strengths and dosages.
The sound of it hurts worse than the very minute sized diabetic type needle used to inject the medication,
This works almost 100% of the time. Just tell your wife to get a little patient and show some empathy and compassion.
Otherwise, there will be plenty of women who will find your future erections more than adequate enough to enjoy sex with! (Just kidding about that). I am sure your wife loves you very much. However, she really does need to get up to speed on many aspects of the surgery. After all, the prostate may be small but it’s still a Major Surgery!
Best wishes and good luck,
Phil

Watch the movie Coming Home

@heavyphil You must find your own way. The search can be as good as the discovery.

I Just turned 72, was diagnosed 2 years ago at 70 with PCA Gleason 4+3=7 I met with the surgeon, and radiologist at Mayo, and even looked at alternative treatments, HiFu Tulsa Pro, my decision was to do nothing, just keep an eye on my PSA, which went from 4.66 to a high of 7.19 and now back down to 3.59 since I cut out all sugar from my diet. Being overweight ( 250lbs) and not in great shape, I have had issues without any surgery, I take a daily 5mg Cialis and when needed 2 - 100 mg Viagra, that seems to work so far. No Prostate Cancer treatment for me, just too many side effects, and I don't care if its only 10% chance, I'm not taking it. Strictly my own personal decision and I would not recommend to anyone else. Interestingly, I put all my information into Grok AI and asked for a recommendation, I was pleased with the detailed answer that I had the option of watchful waiting, I entered age 72, PSA declining from 7.19 to 3.59 over the last 6 months, Decipher score .38, from Parametric MRI prostate size 50.4cc PSA density 0.13 tumor size .42 cc tumor stage Tc1 PIRADS 4, then 21 core samples from MRI fusion perineal biopsy 6 cores Gleason 4+3=7 grade group 3 in 70% Gleason 4, Gleason 3+4=7 in 3 cores at 40% both MRI and PSMA Pet scan showed cancer contained to prostate. Based on all my info, I have a good chance of making it to 80 which is all I want. So I am so far happy with my "No Treatment" decision

It's a very trying time. I'm a spouse. My husband was diagnosed with a psa of 70 @ 48 years old and a Gleason of 9/10. There were not many alternatives with this diagnosis as this was 20 years ago. One of the top cancer hospitals is NYC told my husband to go home as he was too young and his numbers too high. But we persevered and found a top prostate cancer surgeon who said he was going for a surgical cure. It didn't work, but he got 17 years. He passed away last year. He had radical surgery, and as his numbers went up they said radiation had to be done. He actually recovered pretty well from surgery and started experimenting. And mind you he was not a candidate for nerve sparing surgery. Radiation definitely made the possibility of sex worse. But eventually with viagra and injections there were times we could have traditional sex. In time, he would even get a small, partial erection and we were never sure how this was happening since nerves were gone! Please talk to your doctors. Our hospital had a doctor that specialized in this. Eventually as my husband got sicker, it got harder, and sometimes just easier to have intimacy without trying for intercourse as it can be frustrating. But he could always attain an orgasm. And let's face it, isn't that a major goal? Your wife may be scared and it's easier to get mad than to face all those feelings. Do find a doctor that specializes in sex after surgery. Do try to experiment with other ways of having sex. And try counseling. As a cancer survivor myself, I can't imagine how this must make you feel. To not have your spouse's support and understanding, but I'm guessing it's fear. My husband wouldn't consider it, but have you thought of an implant? Maybe seeking a doctor and discussing that may help her. Then gently reminder her that having you here without the same sex life is much better than the alternative. I wish you both well on this journey...and it is a journey, but it can be a happy and rewarding journey.