@johnhans I see you reaching out here, and that is a positive. I wonder if the energy of thinking about suicide and deciding to not follow through is enough for the mind? To know that it is there as an option if things truly get to be too overwhelming. I will share a story with you. Many years ago I was an emergency dispatcher. One night we got a call from another agency saying that we were the proper people for him to speak to. It turns out that we were the third agency he was speaking to, and he was reaching out one more time before he committed suicide. I took the phone call, was able to talk to him, found that he was visiting from out of the area and missing his family. Angels or God or whatever you want to attribute it to, I was the only one on shift that night who knew the area he was at, and even able to describe the complex he was in to convince him that I did know the area. I was able to keep him talking long enough to get backup units to help him. He had that reflex to make one final phone call. And yes he did have the means to accomplish his mission, there were weapons on the table.
Ginger