When I'm really far down and actively preparing to commit suicide, I'm not in my rational mind. I understand that when I'm thinking clearly, but things like telling a friend or calling a hotline go out the window. I don't want someone to interfere with my plan. Not even my wife. When I'm at that place suicide is a very rational solution. If someone were to tell me that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, it would go in one ear and out the other. Same thing with hotlines.

I don't know if I'm typical of suicidal persons. I'm sure that hotlines stop a lot of suicides, or they would cease to exist. Being at the point of putting a plan into action, holding that bottle of a controlled substance, the reasons I have for staying alive disappear from view. There's very little anyone could do at that point, unless they walked into the room and took the pills away from me.

It sounds crazy, I know. Maybe I am crazy. Certainly I'm disturbed. Somehow my thinking becomes skewed. Under "normal" circumstances, I'm in control of my thought processes, thus the ramifications of taking my life are clear. The trauma to my wife, children and grandchildren is an awful thought. And that is what keeps me alive.

I encourage people to use the hotlines. It's not that I have any objection to them. I see references to them fairly frequently here, and I felt I should share how an irrational mind processes that option - at least it's true for my irrational mind.

Thankfully, it's been a long time since I was at that place.

Jim