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← Return to Long-term depression
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A very big part of my depression, that goes back as far as my memory takes me, is that I am so different that I am an anomaly. In the deepest part of my depressive moments I felt this to be "bad" (when I was very young), despised (in my later childhood), and ultimately just desperately alone. When my most negative emotions came about later in life, I felt that I should be destroyed as unfit for existence. We know what that can take us to when it goes far enough. I have had to build upon my own learned self-worth and a re-evaluation of what it me to be human. This has taken me far from my family and most of my friends. I am by myself most of the time now, outside of work, and I take a new interest in just trying to get by, past my worries and fears, with the knowledge that I can be a fine person. We just have to try and let that be enough for the next day to come. Does that sound lonely, yes, it is, but in some form I think it is special to be somebody that can make it to the next step.
Replies to "A very big part of my depression, that goes back as far as my memory takes..."
I agree that life is full of challenges, and those challenges are unique to each individual.
I often feel lonely because I don't fit the mold that the people in my circle of acquaintances impose on me. After years of therapy, I'm better able to first, accept myself, and to accept that though others do influence me, I don't let them control me or mess with my mind.
I'm a person who has always liked solitude, which is different from loneliness. Being retired allows me to pursue solitude on my own schedule. My wife enjoys solitude at least as much as I, so we're a good fit. We live 7 miles from town, and our home is on ten acres of pasture, so real solitude is possible anytime, which is fine for us.
I think that being different probably was a contributor to the onset of my depression and anxiety, and made for a painfully slow climb out of that dark hole. I'm generally out of the hole, but some days I find myself sitting on the edge, dangling my feet. I don't know if I'm typical of deeply depressed people, but 6 has become my new 10. I work at maintaining that level and I can stay up there most of the time.
Self recognition and then self acceptance are a big deal - big steps, that,as you said, you're taking a day at a time. I hope you continue to make positive choices.
Jim
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@guener I have those feelings of being undeserving of anything life has to offer and even life itself. I admit this this to myself until I am deep far gone. A constant struggle to stay out of those dark places. From one anomaly to another it is a lifelong struggle. I know how hard I battle these feelings of worthlessness. There are times I want it to stop. I have found it is easier to keep up the fight without past family and friends who blamed me for so many things and how I am depressed because I choose to be. So much bunk.
Thank you for your honesty as I so needed to read your words. One more day is a goal and I was in need of one.