Hi @rick807 So sorry you are feeling so low. I hope that you are feeling at least a little better by now, just read your post. Do you have some coping skills that work for you when you are feeling so low. I understand when you say it feels like your head is going to explode, I have felt that way myself at times. And like you, I pretended like everything was ok for so many years. I got tired of it and decided to find a good therapist who I felt comfortable with and learned to trust to share my memories & feelings with. I knew that I needed to work on myself to get out of that place.
Think of the little things in your life & they will ad up. If you get out of bed, that's a step. If you comb/brush your hair, that's a step. If you shower and dress, that's another. Brush your teeth, that's another. All these little things that normally we don't really think about, but doing them and telling yourself that you accomplished each step. Some days, you may only accomplish one of these things, other days more. But as long as you keep doing these things you are taking care of yourself. When we are really down, it is really important that we do "self care".
Also, I have to tell myself that I am worth it. That I do make a difference. I don't know what your support system is, but I hope you have family & friends who you can reach out to at times like this. It helps me to contact someone, even if I don't tell them what is going on, it helps me feel better because I checked in on someone else.
Other things that help me are coloring, writing, and reading. I also listen to music, that helps too. I do hope you are feeling a little better and not so down. Let me know if you try any of these things and if they help.
You took the first step, you posted about how you are feeling, sometimes just getting it out will help. Take care and remember, you are not alone! We are all in this together.

I completely understand and will pray this feeling goes away for you. Your post brought up song lyrics from my memory bank of Bruce Springsteen's "Promised Land." "I've done my best to live the right way. I get up every morning and go to work each day. But your eyes go blind and your blood runs cold. Sometimes I feel so weak, I just want to explode ..."

I wanted to add, that it's ok to feel that way. I mean, don't beat yourself up for feeling that way. The more we tell ourselves that we shouldn't feel so bad, then the worse we can feel, like a circle. When we allow ourselves to feel what we are feeling and know that things will get better, then it seems that it lessens the time we feel that way, or at least it does for me. I read something the other day, and now I can't remember just what it was, but it was saying that storms don't last forever. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings for now and know that it won't last. I don't know more about you or any issues, so I can only tell you what has worked for me. If nothing fits for you. that's ok. Keep reaching out, there are a lot of people here on Mayo Connect who have gone through, if not the same things, then similar. But a lot of our feelings are the same.

@rick807

Rick, yeah, I'm there sometimes. Therapists have told me I'm the best mask wearer they've seen. I reached the point of realizing that I would end my life if I didn't tell someone about who was behind the mask. Actually, I had already made several attempts by that time. Pretending drains the life out of a person. Secrets kept for decades eat away at the soul.

I know that I wouldn't be alive today without the help of a string of therapists and doctors. I always recommend finding one somehow. I went through 18 months without one, and by the end of last year, at 15 months, I was very depressed and becoming suicidal. I made it through the next few months just because I was told a therapist was moving here. He saved my life. That was 5 months ago, and I think I've been a challenging client. Poor guy.

When I got around to reading my email, I saw you had cried for help 4 hours before. I wonder if you are in a better place now. Life is so hard sometimes. The last 12+ years have been a rough journey for me, so I can empathize with how you're feeling now. Let me know if you want to talk about anything. I'll be thinking about you, Rick.

Jim

how do I find someone that I can trust ? I would love to find someone to really talk to

@rick807 You go slow. You can do research, and if you know of anyone else who is seeing a therapist ask them about their experience with their therapist. When you find someone you think you want to see, make an appointment. At your appointment you don't have to talk about everything, wouldn't have time anyway. 🙂 But just talk about what you feel comfortable saying, after a few appointments of doing this, as you do this probably each time you see them you may get more of a sense of if it is someone you can work with. I say work with, because that's what it is, it takes work to talk about your feeling and issues, and I always do "homework", writing, drawing, and coloring. After your first appointment, you may already know if you don't think it will work out. Don't give up, keep trying till you find someone you feel comfortable with and feel that they care and that they are there to help you. Good luck, and keep posting on here!

It is the hardest thing putting your trust in someone but pray that the right person will be there for you. The best places to start are churches and ministries. They have a confidentially responsibility.

thank you for taking the time to answer me.

@rick807

As I mentioned in my last post, anytime you need to talk, I'm here. We can talk here in the group, or you can contact me directly.

Jim, volunteer mentor

thank you I might just try it guess first time for everything