@leeleip
I have been caring for my almost 94 year old father in my home, for almost five years now. Believe me, I am the Guilt Queen! I will stay awake at night fretting because he complains to everyone who will listen about being bored with his life, the food given him, etc etc. I have tried sooooo many activities, outings, foods (as long as they don’t cause bathroom issues—I’m not a masochist), etc. I think more than anything, he is discouraged with his lot in life—going from an authoritative and fiercely independent, strong man, to an ailing man who is very dependent and has lost many loved ones in the last five years. Although I try to keep this in mind, the complaining and seeming rejection of my efforts, while I sacrifice so much of my freedom and life and relationships, is very hard. And the guilt—did I have an impatient expression on my face when he was making us late for his doctor appointment, did I answer too sharply when I repeated something for him the umpteenth time, etc (not talking abusive or disrespectful stuff, of course, in any way—but definitely not always grace-filled perfection as I would want).
I think part of all this, for us who are caring for parents (and I’m sure similarly for those caring for spouses), revolves around expectations. This is our MOM, our DAD—we are used to seeing them (and they are used to being seen) in a different way. It gets all turned around when we are caregivers who do everything from coordinate complex medical issues with many physicians, to cleaning up myriad bathroom disasters. It’s sooo hard on everyone. I read a response on Aging.com that rather than guilt (which is for bad things done maliciously), the things we are describing are better labeled grief—our humanness in trying to adjust, cope with, and meet the evolving needs of our loved ones.