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The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business
Caregivers | Last Active: Oct 30 12:21pm | Replies (165)Comment receiving replies
Ok, so guilt.
I recently became sole caregiver for my 98 year old Mom. She is amazing. Still mobile, cognizant and an avid reader. She moved in with my husband and I after having a TIA and finally agreeing she wouldn’t drive anymore.
The problem I have is her constant negativity. Always, always sees the worst in everything and everyone. At this point in my life, I’m 62, I really should be able to walk away and just know it is her dementia talking. I try, but I fail. I end up saying something like, you should be thankful your grandkids want to see you, or try to look for the positive in things, which cause her to get angry and/or frustrated. Then in walks the guilt. Open the door and walk all over me. I’m a bad daughter, I should accept her personality as it is now, and not try to change her.
I just can’t help it!
Replies to "Ok, so guilt. I recently became sole caregiver for my 98 year old Mom. She is..."
@leeleip
I would say that this is something you did not expect to be doing. It is so hard and believe me ..you are going to say kind things as well. We as Caregivers are by no means perfect. Take a pat on the back for even being their for her. Lots of young people are not interested. I have been caregiving a long time. I should have written down everytime I messed up. Just do your best. She may get angry no matter your response. Kudos for being there. Take care and give yourself some compassion. 🫂💕
@leeleip I HEAR you !
@leeleip
I have been caring for my almost 94 year old father in my home, for almost five years now. Believe me, I am the Guilt Queen! I will stay awake at night fretting because he complains to everyone who will listen about being bored with his life, the food given him, etc etc. I have tried sooooo many activities, outings, foods (as long as they don’t cause bathroom issues—I’m not a masochist), etc. I think more than anything, he is discouraged with his lot in life—going from an authoritative and fiercely independent, strong man, to an ailing man who is very dependent and has lost many loved ones in the last five years. Although I try to keep this in mind, the complaining and seeming rejection of my efforts, while I sacrifice so much of my freedom and life and relationships, is very hard. And the guilt—did I have an impatient expression on my face when he was making us late for his doctor appointment, did I answer too sharply when I repeated something for him the umpteenth time, etc (not talking abusive or disrespectful stuff, of course, in any way—but definitely not always grace-filled perfection as I would want).
I think part of all this, for us who are caring for parents (and I’m sure similarly for those caring for spouses), revolves around expectations. This is our MOM, our DAD—we are used to seeing them (and they are used to being seen) in a different way. It gets all turned around when we are caregivers who do everything from coordinate complex medical issues with many physicians, to cleaning up myriad bathroom disasters. It’s sooo hard on everyone. I read a response on Aging.com that rather than guilt (which is for bad things done maliciously), the things we are describing are better labeled grief—our humanness in trying to adjust, cope with, and meet the evolving needs of our loved ones.
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@leeleip You’re right, you can’t help it, I wholeheartedly get it. We grew up and lived in a world where there weren’t crazy, cruel behaviors that had to be smiled at and tolerated, it was never ok, so it’s impossible for us to get past. It is a most challenging addition to our lives and it just takes a whole lot of effort. We can only do the best we can do.