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Its getting better, I think
I'm in a weird place when it comes to cancer therapy. I don't have active cancer but I can't say I'm cured. I have a chronic ilnessl that I will have to keep caged away for the rest of my life. I have 2 chronic illnesses it's not just cancer.
Being here is like living in 2 worlds intermittently. One day I'm living the dream. I feel great. I'm healthy. I'm socially active. I'm still working. All is good, right?
Then my brain decides to move into analytical mode. I start hearing numbers and odds running through my head. Then It's time to go to the lab for blood work and back to the infusion room. It's a cycle that's happens every three weeks. This time I cried at my doctor's appointment in fount of everyone. Why? I think it was a release.
The last cycle was tough because we had major plumbing issues the week Mel had knee replacement surgery and I had just weeks to take a securities exam. Having to take the exam was frustrating. It was for a licenses in which I have been grandfathered to do for 30 years.
The idea of reducing stress is ridiculous. Stressors happen. It's how we respond that matters. I think I did pretty good these past few weeks. I only snapped at a few people and only cried once at the doctor's
Denise
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You look fabulous!
I hope to be where you are someday. I was supposed to start maintenance therapy last week. A CT scan the day before showed new large “cystic masses” in my liver. My surgeon wasn’t concerned but my oncologist and the radiologist were. My tumor markers increased slightly. I have a PET scan this week to get more information. It’s been such a long difficult journey for me and I was so hoping to have a slight reprieve from all of it. I’m terrified of what comes next.
Your posts are always so encouraging. Thank you for sharing your strength. < 3
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1 ReactionI’ve cried at a doctors appointment when it was good news! Sometimes everything is just a little overwhelming. The reason I cried was because I knew the battle wasn’t over.
As I’ve said before, I’m in a waiting pattern at the moment until November. Eventually it’s the 3 weekly cycle of gemcitabine and carboplatin. I’m enjoying life while I wait. Why worry? It’s a waste of energy and time!
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3 Reactions@korinja Ill be thinking about you
Denise
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2 ReactionsI hope the doctor was understanding. Crying is important. I wish I could. Be gentle with your self. If you haven't read it, I suggest The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy. Wisdom in small bites with such beautiful illustrations. I've given away so many. This comforts me. If you can access the film, I've watched it so many times. Available on Apple and in the UK. Won academy award. So inspiring...
"What do you want to be when you grow up?" asked the mole. "Kind," said the boy.
From The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse:
"What is that over there?"
"It's the wild," said the mole. "Don't fear it."
"What do we do when our hearts hurt?" asked the boy.
"We wrap them with friendship, shared tears and time, till they wake hopeful and happy again."
"What's your best discovery," asked the mole.
"That I'm enough as I am," said the boy.
"Sometimes I feel lost," said the boy.
"Me, too," said the mole, "but we love you, and love brings you home."
"I think everyone is just trying to get home," said the mole.
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3 ReactionsI too was on the verge of breaking down at my first meeting with the medical oncologist.
I felt like I was being told there were no other options and I needed to begin asap rather than wait. And suggestions for lowest dosage possible, waiting for genetic testing results in case I could have targeted therapy instead, were all shut down b because I was 8 wks post surgery.
And the prospect of recurrences and being on treatment for the rest of my life was overwhelming.
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1 ReactionTears are good. In the spiritual life they are called “the gift of tears.” I have the “gift “ and when I cry, I know I’m alive and joy will return. Just some thoughts during our cancer journeys.…
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1 ReactionSometimes I would try to cry, but couldn’t. Other times, I would cry with others (doctors, friends, whomever) unexpectedly. Totally out of my control, as most of this cancer journey is. Try not to be too hard on yourself. All of us here understand.
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1 ReactionDenise, you described it perfectly...living in two worlds at once. For me it's the "normal life/normal me" mode and then the quietly freaked out mode.