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How do I ask my parent to respect the routines we have for ourselves?
Hello! Forgive the super long post. Lots of context.
My 70 year old father is an alcoholic. Prior to living with me and his most recent hospitalizations (Aug 2-Sept 15), he was drinking a box of wine per day. If not wine then a fifth of rum. He has no short term memory from years of alcohol, a brain injury from falling down stairs and continued alcohol. However, he retains excellent expressive language skills and knows that no one legally has the right to force him to do anything. He previously lived at an Independent senior living facility. It was super schwanky and modern. It was like living in a hotel. After the Aug-Sept hospitalizations, we moved him to the assisted living side of the same place. He agreed to this move. He moved in Sept 15th and still had the ability to move between sides (IL and AL) until he got lost 4 days later.
By Saturday I was called to pick him up for the weekend because he destroyed communal property, cussed staff out, postured aggressively, and was threatening to walk out. And while he doesn’t drive and uses a walker sometimes, has the strength to slip out and walk down the street far enough to get lost or fall down. He was welcome to come back under the same conditions that he could not roam the entire building at least until he became familiar with the new routines and space.
While he was here for the weekend, my husband and I talked and concluded that this would just continue to happen, and I would constantly be getting phone calls from the him or the facility so it made more sense for him to live here so that at least there was some possibility of a routine for me and dignity for him.
Let me say that 1) I did not think this transition would be super easy and without disruption and 2) Alcohol has been the only source of comfort and coping for him for 58 years. Given his reduced capacity to learn new things and remember anything for more than 15 minutes, I am not forcing him to be sober. I am attempting to limit it. He gets a pint of rum per day. I know that’s a lot, but it’s less than what he was drinking before. 3) while I wish things were different, and I wish that my dad wanted to live, sadly he does not want to live if that means he has to be sober. I have found many heartbreaking scribblings to that fact. 4) I believe that an adult has the right to live (even if it’s making them sick) how ever makes them happy so long as they aren’t hurting other people. 5) I did completely underestimate how little he sleeps. He sometimes naps during the day, but not often and he doesn’t go to bed before 11 most of the time and he gets up multiple times in the night. During that time, he is in the kitchen opening and closing cabinets (loudly), digging ice from the freezer, turning on and leaving on every light in the kitchen and living room, and sometimes accidentally calling my cell phone at 2:30 am (which I leave on for emergencies for my adult children and grandchild). Finally, he is awake in the main living room by 5 am.
So, to my question (and thanks for reading if you’ve made it this far): how do I help him understand that we have routines? We created a suite for him by connecting two rooms so he has a connected yet separate living and sleeping area. My desire is that he stay in his suite area between 10 pm and 6:15 am and that when he goes to the kitchen in the middle of the night that he do so quietly and return to his suite.
I messed up in my delivery this morning. I wasn’t mean or angry but my word choice was not top of my game when I asked him at 5 am to go back to his suite at least until 6:15. We had been woken up every hour since 3 am, so I probably sounded exhausted and annoyed because I was. This is not how I want to make him feel and I also don’t want to make him feel like a child. That was his biggest complaint about assisted living. He knows that he’s too young to be this disabled, but he doesn’t understand that he is this disabled, but does at the same time. I can’t explain that part but it’s true. I fear that white boards and signs and reminders will only make him angry but I would just like to preserve one tiny part of my routine for me and my husband’s sanity.
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@cebecker5 , what you described as him leaving the previous facility and getting lost, is usually called elopement and wandering. The staff at that facility would be the best ones to access the level of care he might need after dealing with it first hand. Once those things occur, it’s risky for a person to be left alone. When my loved one did that it was recommended by the Assisted Living facility that she either have a 24/hr aid or be placed in secure memory care. A good assessment would really help you determine what his needs are.
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1 ReactionThis sounds similar to what we went thru about a year ago.. Long story too but my in laws were in their 90s, before Covid they decided they wanted to live in an independent living apartment building and it was in our town (otherwise they were 30 min from us) so they moved in there, into a TINY apartment and we rented out their house.... They've always had separate bedrooms but did ok there, my MIL LOVED it because there were other old ladies to talk to and puzzles and dining room and activities etc.
Then Covid hit and my FIL's dementia got worse, it wasn't bad before they had moved in, but it really got to be more living there and not being able to do much, they felt trapped and wanted out so we got them a small house in town and moved them in there, my MIL had to relearn to drive because my FIL had forgotten. Over several years they did local errands by themselves and I'd take them to far away appointments, it got more and more involved the last year or so, my MIL had a pacemaker and after getting a new battery in it, she got weaker and no energy, they lost weight and didn't cook much, so my husband at first went there to cook for them 3 meals a day and I was the errand person, at some point my MIL had two fender benders in a week- one at the grocery store, one in the parking lot at their house, nothing major but still we took the car to get fixed and they didn't get it back, so I picked her up weekly to grocery shop and sometimes would come back and my FIL was wandering the parking lot saying he had just parked the car after work! So then they were both sort of trapped in their little house because HE couldn't be left alone. She got worse and was in the hospital several times where I'd go with her and my husband stayed with his dad, who had no clue what was going on... The final thing was when we were on vacation and had to come home early with 4 kids who were NOT happy! we decided to have my in-laws move in with us, so we could watch them, clean for them, feed them etc. We emptied out our master bedroom and bathroom and moved our own bedroom furniture into my husband's office....
The first night was horrible, every few hours they'd wake up, open drawers, turn on lights, grandpa going outside to look for the bathroom etc..... or wanting ice cream at 2-3am! or them falling asleep with the TV in the bedroom on high volume! the next night we scooped out icecream for them in the freezer, put signs up for the bathrooms, but it was still loud and disruptive, plus when one wakes up the other it annoyed them and they'd start yelling at each other and that would wake us up too!
my MIL got weaker and weaker and one day grandpa said it was an emergency (I didn't think so but made a doctor appointment for her that day and took her, it was "nothing") took her back home and she wanted to sleep on the couch and grandpa was saying it's an emergency again and to call 911, I told him no, I just took her, she's exhausted, he started yelling and threatening me with his cane! My husband did NOT like that too and we told grandpa to go into the bedroom and rest or watch TV, he replied "it's a free country, I can do whatever I want" yeah.... sure, but it's MY/OUR house and your wife is tired!
I was also trapped because as soon as I was out of sight- like upstairs, my MIL would call my cell phone and be in a panic. One time she napped in a recliner in the bedroom and grandpa came out saying his mother just died! (I knew he meant HER!) but she was ok just napping!
Grandpa one day comfort her and say sweet things like" I love you, you've been a great wife and mother, it's ok to die because when you die, I'll die soon after that!"
After 2 weeks of hardly any sleep (and stuff during the day) I lost my mind and took our youngest daughter on a long car trip and told my husband they had to GO!
So we moved them back to their little house and my husband helped them and we hired a CNA to help us too. They both got weaker and the dementia got really bad for grandpa, that they got on "hospice" which I thought would mean more, but it was just your on-call doctor and they'd come check once a week and send supplies and medicine, it was good at the end!
the CNA we hired was a friend from our church, we ended up paying her to live there Monday to Friday and my husband living there Friday to Monday until they passed away pretty much a year ago!
Grandma died first and the "plan" was to put grandpa into a memory care assisted living place, we toured different places and they were QUITE different! But by the time grandma passed away, grandpa was hardly eating and not talking, we all knew it wouldn't be long for him. He passed away 11 days later!
All this to say, yeah I felt guilty that we couldn't manage to have them live with us, but our family life, our marriage, our kids, were more important!
And now my husband has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer! (I really think the stress of all this caused the cancer! he's healthy otherwise, eats right, exercises etc)
I still have PTSD from all of it I think, whenever I hear a cane click on the floor or my phone rings at an odd time, my heart drops!
Has your dad been tested for dementia? I don't get how an assisted living area can have residents just walk out without knowing it? are there cameras? locked doors at night?
It's okay to say, "I can't do it" if it's wrecking your relationships both between you two and also the rest of the family, and it's his life....
My mom was an alcoholic too, though got sober in my adult life, but she was overseas and until a few years ago lived by herself (widowed for some years) but I'd tell her to do something over the phone and she's reply "ok MOM- to me and not do it" eventually the state took over and put her in a nursing home and she passed away 2 weeks after my husband's diagnosis! -I was her only relative but had no say in her care.
I feel for you! big HUG!
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1 ReactionMy sincere condolences to both of you. It is so kind of you both to attempt to help stabilize your elders instead of trying to keep them in a care home.
Next of kin are not obligated to be the contact or the ones responsible for a failing parent, though our long term healthcare care system wishes you to do so.
When the one you are caring for causes you more harm than you give them in good, a decisive decision needs to me made and then stick with it.
Sometimes we have to have tough love - for our children and then for your parents.
Best of luck making that decision, but if your sleep and health suffers due to moving your loved parents into your own home, it is time to face reality and be done with the agony of making the choice to do what is best for EVERYONE.
Good luck and God's blessings to you all. Thank you for loving your parents enough to at least try; but give yourselves and your family a break and put them where everyone is safe and everyone gets sleep.
Without sleep the immune system suffers.
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2 ReactionsYou sound very kind and I agree with most of what you have decided regarding your alcoholic Dad.
IF a care home won't keep him, why should you be the one to suffer due to his alcoholism?
He has chosen his path and you no longer need to be on his path; but just let consequences take their course. It may be painful to watch, but save your own health, life is longer for you than him.
IMHO he needs to go back to a care home and let the cards fall as they may. Do not rescue him from his life choices. Love has to be tough.
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