Hang in there!
I'm in this forum because my husband got diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer earlier this year. He's ok now, finished chemo but is still doing ADT which is medically castration. THAT was the hardest for him, because it's his "manhood" though I told him, after almost 27yrs of marriage and 4 kids later, I don't care about the sex life, I'd rather have a husband who's alive, than a dead husband and still no sex life!
But knowing he'd have to take those shots made me almost at my breaking point!
But it's also because we were the caretakers of my in-laws for quite a while, they passed away exactly a year ago! Both in their 90s and were pretty independent until the last few years. It wasn't all of a sudden they got sick, they just got older and more frail and had some health problems, my MIL had a pacemaker for over 20yrs, my FIL got dementia that got really bad at the end! several years ago I was more their driver to doctor appointments, they were able to do local stuff and drive until they couldn't! (two fender benders in a week!) then it got to the point of not eating or being able to cook or clean, several doctor appointments and ER visits and not being able to leave grandpa (my FIL) home alone, so I'd drive or be with grandma while my husband stayed with his dad. At some point we moved them in with us but that lasted just a few weeks, none of us were getting any sleep, grandpa would wake up and turn on all the lights or rummage in the kitchen or go outside to look for a bathroom, grandma would be screaming at him in the middle of the night, so of course we'd ALL wake up! (including 3 of our kids still living at home) we moved them back to their own house AGAIN, (before covid they lived in an independent living apartment place but covid had them locked down and they felt like prisoners and grandpas dementia really went a lot worse then so we moved them out)anyways, last summer hospice got involved for both of them! I really thought hospice did MORE than they did, but only weekly visits and phone calls, they DID help more near the very end, but we hired a CNA to come and help, at the end she even lived there Monday to Friday (she was a friend from church) and my husband lived there Friday to Monday... it was exhausting! Even though I took a back seat with helping the last few months, I was still the driver for errands etc and taking care of our kids at home and our house!
It's so important to reach out and get help when you need it, we don't have any other family, so we had no help but the CNA was well worth it!
I don't know but I can speculate that all the stress of it all, brought on my husband's cancer! who knows... but you gotta take care of yourself! I often cry because I'm overwhelmed by it all, we have a supportive church and friends, and I have a hobby (I'm a quilter) so after I'm done homeschooling my kids, after lunch I go sew and put on headphones and listen to an audiobook just to mentally "get away".... granted my husband doesn't "look" sick now, other than being bald from the chemo! He still does stuff.....But it's still hard.
I don't have any family left either, my mom passed away 2 weeks after my husband's diagnosis! at some point we had 3 sets of ashes in the closet! I told my husband to FIGHT this because I don't want a 4th set, I'm NOT starting a collection!
I still cry and pray and get sad and mad and that's ok, we're human!
Just want to send a big hug! hang in there!!