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How do I ask my parent to respect the routines we have for ourselves?
Hello! Forgive the super long post. Lots of context.
My 70 year old father is an alcoholic. Prior to living with me and his most recent hospitalizations (Aug 2-Sept 15), he was drinking a box of wine per day. If not wine then a fifth of rum. He has no short term memory from years of alcohol, a brain injury from falling down stairs and continued alcohol. However, he retains excellent expressive language skills and knows that no one legally has the right to force him to do anything. He previously lived at an Independent senior living facility. It was super schwanky and modern. It was like living in a hotel. After the Aug-Sept hospitalizations, we moved him to the assisted living side of the same place. He agreed to this move. He moved in Sept 15th and still had the ability to move between sides (IL and AL) until he got lost 4 days later.
By Saturday I was called to pick him up for the weekend because he destroyed communal property, cussed staff out, postured aggressively, and was threatening to walk out. And while he doesn’t drive and uses a walker sometimes, has the strength to slip out and walk down the street far enough to get lost or fall down. He was welcome to come back under the same conditions that he could not roam the entire building at least until he became familiar with the new routines and space.
While he was here for the weekend, my husband and I talked and concluded that this would just continue to happen, and I would constantly be getting phone calls from the him or the facility so it made more sense for him to live here so that at least there was some possibility of a routine for me and dignity for him.
Let me say that 1) I did not think this transition would be super easy and without disruption and 2) Alcohol has been the only source of comfort and coping for him for 58 years. Given his reduced capacity to learn new things and remember anything for more than 15 minutes, I am not forcing him to be sober. I am attempting to limit it. He gets a pint of rum per day. I know that’s a lot, but it’s less than what he was drinking before. 3) while I wish things were different, and I wish that my dad wanted to live, sadly he does not want to live if that means he has to be sober. I have found many heartbreaking scribblings to that fact. 4) I believe that an adult has the right to live (even if it’s making them sick) how ever makes them happy so long as they aren’t hurting other people. 5) I did completely underestimate how little he sleeps. He sometimes naps during the day, but not often and he doesn’t go to bed before 11 most of the time and he gets up multiple times in the night. During that time, he is in the kitchen opening and closing cabinets (loudly), digging ice from the freezer, turning on and leaving on every light in the kitchen and living room, and sometimes accidentally calling my cell phone at 2:30 am (which I leave on for emergencies for my adult children and grandchild). Finally, he is awake in the main living room by 5 am.
So, to my question (and thanks for reading if you’ve made it this far): how do I help him understand that we have routines? We created a suite for him by connecting two rooms so he has a connected yet separate living and sleeping area. My desire is that he stay in his suite area between 10 pm and 6:15 am and that when he goes to the kitchen in the middle of the night that he do so quietly and return to his suite.
I messed up in my delivery this morning. I wasn’t mean or angry but my word choice was not top of my game when I asked him at 5 am to go back to his suite at least until 6:15. We had been woken up every hour since 3 am, so I probably sounded exhausted and annoyed because I was. This is not how I want to make him feel and I also don’t want to make him feel like a child. That was his biggest complaint about assisted living. He knows that he’s too young to be this disabled, but he doesn’t understand that he is this disabled, but does at the same time. I can’t explain that part but it’s true. I fear that white boards and signs and reminders will only make him angry but I would just like to preserve one tiny part of my routine for me and my husband’s sanity.
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It’s nice you want to help your father live as well as he can. Did the staff at the facility he was having problems discuss what level of care he requires? All the things you described sound like he’s really struggling with not just memory, but reasoning, balance, agitation, etc. It’s probably difficult to differentiate the symptoms of the dementia from the alcohol impairment.
I might start with a few things. First consult with his doctor, if you have authority, to give his doctor an update on what’s happening and his recommendation. Can meds help? Also, consult with an Elder law attorney to find out your legal options….including how to have him placed somewhere that can provide the proper level of care and what does the law require of you. Now that he’s in your home, how would you insist he leave, if need be. And lastly, have you looked for a place that can manage his care and behavior? That would be a place where trained professionals work 3 shifts to ensure he’s safe and others are as well.
It’s my understanding, that people with dementia don’t empathize with others. They aren’t really capable. And, the boundaries you expect don’t mean much either. Even if he promised to respect house rules, he’d likely forget. Reminders are fine, but the signals from the brain don’t always work right so reading and processing the information is often faulty. That’s one test the doctor gives in a mental status assessment. He writes down an instruction like touch your shoe and has the patient read it then do what it says. Often the patient with cognitive damage will not touch their shoe. No ability to process what they read.
Good luck with getting things straight. I hope you get some suggestions that help. It’s a tough spot to be in. I don’t think I’d leave him unattended.
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5 Reactions@cebecker5 Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! It sounds like you really need the tips and advice from members of this support group. Your father must be very difficult to have in your home at this time. Did you ask for or get any helpful directions from the professionals at the facilities where he had lived?
members of this group should write some helpful advice soon.
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3 Reactions@cebecker5
I am so sorry for you and your family are having to endure all of this. My heart goes out to each of you. I won’t pretend to have experience in this arena. I am caregiver to my father in our home , but do not have the same challenges.
I do know that it has been recommended to me to engage home help/caregivers to aid in care. I know that some agencies have staff prepared to work at night. (We actually had someone briefly following a hospitalization.). Perhaps this would help, if you are still wanting him to stay in your home? Beyond that, maybe you could consider putting a dorm sized refrigerator in his suite, and a Keurig coffee maker (no pot to drop and break)—helping to eliminate his need to go to the kitchen at night? Paper plates, bowls and utensils help with all this too, as well as a trash can sizable enough to handle a nights worth of discards. (My dad likes all this because when he stays up super late, or gets up super early, or gets up and down in the night—he can do what he wants without having to try to be super quiet, waking the dogs, etc).
Just a couple ideas. I know you will receive a lot of good insights here (as you have already, prior to my response). Blessings to you.
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2 ReactionsThanks to everyone for the support and ideas! ❤️
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1 Reaction@becsbuddy unfortunately he was not there long enough. It was only 5 days before the incident so they didn’t have much experience with him. Last night was a better night. Some of this is probably me just getting used to my new normal. Thank you very much!
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1 Reaction@celia16 you are absolutely correct when you say it’s hard to differentiate between alcohol and dementia. I also think we’re in the beginning stages so some days are good and some are not so good. Sometimes even moment to moment. Thank you very much for your recommendations!
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1 Reaction@babbsjoy Great ideas! Thank you very much. I will be looking for a mini fridge and Keurig now! ❤️
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1 Reaction@cebecker5
Sorry, I don’t want to go “on and on”, or be a “know it all”, but just thought of a couple more things….an alarm on the outside doors that you can set at night to alert you if he goes outside, would be a prudent safety feature. (My dad does not have dementia, but my grandmother did when she lived with us back in the day before such things were available. It was a constant problem, her leaving the house….). If you have a pool, setting up the child’s safety fence around it is important (we know someone whose elder fell into theirs’ at night and drowned. So we put ours up and just told him we wanted to keep the dogs and their toys from having free access). Locking your cooktop and oven at night is also another safety feature (grandma would get up and try to cook but then would leave things on, etc).
My dad goes outside to smoke. I wake up the minute I hear him “on the move”, and he no longer goes out at all hours. But I’m still considering a ring camera or something and a lock that can be set from my phone—that way I could actually see what’s going on with him outside and make sure the door gets locked back up without getting out of bed and waking my husband. Nights are hard. I find I wake up even if he is “quiet”, so that I can listen and make sure he hasn’t fallen, left the water running, needs help in some way, etc. I hope you guys can have more restful nights!
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2 ReactionsThanks to all for the support! ❤️
@babbsjoy
Thank you for the additional recommendations. I don’t think we’re quite there yet but very close, so having those things in mind helps! ❤️