How to set boundaries with an adult child who threatens suicide?

your welcome

I have three childen who have ADHD and take medication. It is a relatively minor issue as far as mental health goes, but despite the medication there are times when I literally can't understand what they are saying and what they want of me. It is frustrating, but the fact is that people with mental health issues often don't think the same way as us - they can believe that they are genuinely trying to communicate, and when they can't they take it out on other people in the form of aggression, yelling and shouting and blaming you for their frustration in not being "heard". In this state it is not worth trying to argue with them. Set clear limits and boundaries. and walk away quietly but determindly and say you will resume the conversation when everybody is calm and collected. It is really hard to put a barrier between yourself and your child, but arguing over the same ground and going over and over the same thoughts and
behaviour dosn't help anyone. Ideally you would make sure that your son sees a psychologist or psychiatrist to find out what is going on and how to move forward, but people with these issues are often un-cooperative. Perhaps you might see a counselor or psychologist youself to
work out some tactics to deal with the situation and take the burden off you. Decide where your boundaries are and enforce them clearly. In our case when voices get raised and one or other of the children starts being accusing and aggressive, that is a clear signal to me to say "We ae not getting anywhere with this. We will talk again later" and literally walk away. When suicide is brought up it is mostly manipulative, but you never know, so you should always take
threats seriously, and if you can't talk about it call one of the support groups or even the police, because they are trained to deal with it and it might give your son a taste of what might be in store for him if he refuses to get professional help. Above all, I assume you are at an age when the children should be off your hands and you should be enjoying your later years. So put a clear limit on his behaviour and yours. Only one phone call a day. Obsessive videos, letters and emails will be returned to him unopened. From my far away viewpoint ( I am in
Australia) it seems that your son is screaming out for help, doesdn't know how to go about getting help, and is taking his anger and frustration out on you. Don't play that game, it is
never ending. If he won't seek professional help, admit to yourself that it is too much to deal with by yourself, and see a counselor of psychologist yourself to better understand what is going on and learn some tactics and behaviours to deal with the situation. Seeing your child suffer with mental illness is soul-destroying and unbearably distressing. Make sure you get some "time out" to relax and unwind, otherwise you risk becoming ill yourself. What about saying that "Friday is my day" and refusing to have any calls or contact on that day. Your husband or another relative could be on call on Fridays, and you turn your phone off! It doesn't have to be all your burden. Advocate for yourself as well as your son. Your life, too, is valuable and deserves respect.

Dear liabaabaa@
How are things with you today? I wrote a comment on your post a few days ago, and I hope that it and the comments of others who have replied have helped in some way. At least you know now that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There is a whole community of people out there who have had similar experiences. There is no easy answer, but while you are going through the process do not neglect yourself and burn out. If you are burnt out you can't help anyone. Try to see a counselor or psychologist yourself, not because I think you have a mental health issue, but because professionals can not only help you deal with your feelings, but also give you some tactics and ideas to cope with your situation. Accept all the help you can get. Thinking of you, Ellu

Thank you so much for checking in. We had another incident today. It was terrible, worse than the last one. He's spiraling, not going to work either suddenly. He was at our house and kept saying such mean things to my husband and I. Mostly telling us what horrible parents we are. We finally told him he had to leave, then he started screaming in our driveway. Later he called and said he was going to end it right then. I didn't even know where he was. I finally talked him down enough that he promised not to do anything tonight, but he wouldn't calm down until I said how incredibly sorry I was over and over again for not being the mother he needed, and he was able to once again tell me over and over how horrible I am. I didn't know what else to do. I know I have been a giving mother, with normal human faults, I also know that I haven't done anything that terribly wrong. Neither has my husband. But if I don't profusely apologize just for not being what he needs, he says the world is awful and he is going to end it. After he was calm we talked a little, and he said he knows he needs help and apologized, but he won't go to a counselor or psychiatrist. I don't know what to do anymore, I'll be up all night tonight and I absolutely have to work tomorrow. I tried for two hours to sleep, but just cried. I am 62, with asthma. I am worried about my health. So I am so grateful for your message, I do need to get help for myself, as I feel trapped and overwhelmed and helpless. I'm starting to believe that I am a horrible monster who caused his pain. Maybe I am. Logically I know that isn't true, my husband and my other son assure me that I was a good mother - an imperfect one at times, but mostly good and normal. But my heart is starting to believe it, and it is killing me, and I need help myself in just coping. Thank you for caring. It means a lot. I think I will go back to NAMI. I went once, years ago. I need to commit to getting help. My other son and my grandchildren need me, and I don't want to just keep crying to my husband, he is overwhelmed also, and he can't stand seeing me like this.

Dear liabaa baa, NO NO NO NO NO this is not your fault, you are not a terrible mother, it is not your responsibility to deal with a tormenting adult. Do you know the French phrase Folie a Deux?
Roughly it translates as "two people sharing craziness". Your son behaves in a way which he knows will have the effect he wants. You respond by acting in the way you think he wants. Tell
me, are you getting any improvement while the two of you are playing this game? I know he is your son, you love him, and he is probably behaving the way he is because of mental illness, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with it or sacrifice your own good health and your relationships with other members of your family. You know, when we were raising our children, we were taught about "tough love". In other words, sometimes you have to be tough on your children so they give up unhelpful behaviours and learn to be responsible adults. If
your son won't see a psychologist or psychiatrist then I strongly suggest that you do yourself. A professional will help you figure out what exactly is going on, and help you with strategies to deal with the situation, as well as boosting your own self-esteem. If you don't know anyone to go to, ask your family doctor for a referral. Get help. You are no good to anyone if you are burnt out, not sleeping, crying. OK let's go for the big guns. Next time your son is at your place
screaming or yelling or behaving irrationally call the police. I know you don't want to do that,
but at least they will lock him up for 72 hours and have him evaluated by a mental health professional. Worst case scenario - a psychiatrist can admit him to a psychiatric hospital against his will. I think you have tried and tried and tried but this sort of problem is too big to deal with alone. Tough love. Hang up on those phone calls. Force him to be examined by calling the police. You are still young, you have earned a life of your own, not this constant
torture and game playing. If he threatens suicide take it seriously, but call the police. They handle this sort of thing more often than you think. What have you got to lose? Best case scenario he gets diagnosed and treated and is able to take his place in society. Reach out to anyone or anything that helps you, keep posting here because I know there are a lot of us out there empathising or maybe have gone through a similar experience. Look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and say "I am a worthwhile, decent human being and I deserve better than this," Thinking of you - Ellu

He is quite adept at knowing which things he can do and say to manipulate the hell out of you. The thing that stands out to me is Your last comment was the boundary you set with him when you told him to leave. He escalated his manipulations. Once your boundaries are firmly and unshakably in place you can expect him to escalate his manipulative behaviors to get you to back down. Oddly this is when, in ofstead of backing down you should hold firm. Scary because he has used the ultimate manipulative move...telling you he will end it. Please do get support at NAMI meetings or another group. You and your husband deserve to have a life. Dont let him bully you. It is time for you to get help understanding why you are so vulnerable to this bullying and bad behavior. Stand strong.

I know it's bullying, I know it's manipulative. I even told him it was manipulative when he was at the house. We told him to leave, and he said if we don't work it out this moment he will never come back - we still told him to leave and that we were willing to work it out tomorrow when everyone is calmer. He tried to come back in and yell at me and my husband had to stand in the doorway and block him and kept saying, "just go." He finally left, then called 15 minutes later screaming about suicide. I called the suicide hotline, but what could we do, noone knew where he was, so I couldn't call the police. But then he called back, sobbing and still screaming, but I talked him down till he got back to his apt. He assured me he wouldn't hurt himself that night, and he was calm so I didn't call the police, but maybe I still should have? I am going to my doctor today to ask for a referral to someone who can help me with this, I desperately want and need boundaries, but am out of my mind that it might be my fault and my boundaries that cause him to commit suicide. I promise I will get help, and I will go to NAMI. But thank you in the meantime, these messages keep me sane in a very crazy world.

Let us know how it is going. Big hug!

@liabaabaa
Have you called a suicide line to ask for advice on how to best help your adult son? How old is your son? Has he always been like this or do you notice a change recently? Does he use drugs and drink alcohol?

You can’t allow your son to pull you into his life of quicksand. The best you can do is block his calls/texts for a time, call police if he is suicidal, get yourself mental health support because your son is manipulating you due to his mental health struggles. He needs help out of the quicksand but he needs to want to get out of it. He may need to be committed to inpatient care for some time.

Hello. Also checking in with you today. I had written a comment last week with some recommendations. Please, please, please look up your local NAMI chapter and start attending family support groups as well as the training program. If you aren't happy with that chapter there are others out there and you can possibly call in by Zoom. The groups I attended had folks calling in from other parts of the country. Please find out if there is a rapid response team in your area (NAMI can help you with this). If he meets criteria for "white papers" you can proceed with that following the procedures in your county. Please call the police if necessary and make sure you state that there is NO weapon if he doesn't have a weapon (if he does all bets are off). Call 988 for guidance. Advise him to call 988. If he is suffering from the conditions you mentioned, especially bipolar disorder, he may be self-medicating with bad substances. Some of these substances are completely legal (DXM, Kratom in some states) which could cause these type of behaviors as well. THC, Delta 8, Kratom and DXM, as well as other drugs, can cause very concerning behaviors. And THC can induce psychosis in susceptible individuals. Again, others may disagree with me, but here you go: is he on your cell phone plan? Do you own the vehicle he drives? But most importantly, please seek out a therapist who can help you with self-care. Our son has been extremely ill; as I mentioned in a previous post, we have been to hell and back. Today, our 25 year old son is back in college. It has not been an easy road and he still relapses from time to time. He will always suffer from mental illness. Now you need to learn the "tools from the toolbox" to learn how to deal with his behavior and how to cope and take care of yourself. Huge hugs to you.