There is no hope: Life feels impossible to me

It might not be the right place to post it but i just feel like i need to get this off my chest, so i am 19 and i started dealing with chronic overlooked misunderstood illnesses at 15, i developed mold senstivity which gave me chronic brain fog which i havent been able to clear until this day, also at 16 i developed vision issues (which later found to be acommadation/convegerance insufficency) which makes near sight vision feel uncomfortable and cause difficulty reading and blurry vision, at 17 i developed uars which is pretty similair to sleep apnea and at 18 a problem with my jaw where i feel constant discomfort in my orofacial area and eating is uncomftrable also, along this way i also had periods of severe depression and suicidality and psychaitric hospitalisations which where abusive and very traumatising, i got zero help from doctors and the medical system with none of my problems, and many gaslighting and negelct, it took more then a year and a half after uars started to find a doctor willing to diagnose and treat it while insurance wont even cover any treatment, thing is my day to day is hell, i have been going through immense amount of suffering for way too long and staying alive feels so hard, i have been suicidal for so long now tough i want to live just under better conditions, i stopped trying to get help from doctors and the medical system due to trauma but at the same time im unable to find help on my own, i feel lost, trapped, and really need things to change, i am disabled and no one really understands whats my reality is like, when i tell about it to my parents many time i do so in a very angry depressed way which makes them think i need ssri but i tell them that ssri wont take away the fact that i have zero life quality, ive been stuck in this loop for too long and something needs to change, i just had to get that off my chest

It’s okay to feel hopeless and to share those feelings here. Many of us in this group live with chronic pain, and we understand how difficult it can be. Living with chronic pain isn’t like having a broken leg where others can see it—it’s invisible, and each of us walks our own journey with it.
We can all relate to feeling hopeless at times. For me, prayer helps. For you, reaching out to this group is a powerful step toward support and understanding. My heart truly goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your struggles. Please know that we hear you, and if we could take away your pain, we absolutely would.

Please consider reaching out to 988 for support. You can call or text. If you are feeling like harming yourself please walk into an ER or call 911. There are people who care and will help.

I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. I don't have any experience with mold exposure, but I do have plenty of experience with brain fog, chronic pain from autoimmune disease, depression, and despondency. When my symptoms were at their worst, I felt the same way as you. I wasn't functioning any more like the person I used to be, and there were days when I struggled to get out of bed and felt it would be easier not to go on. During this period, my oldest tried to end his life after a 5-year battle of never-ending seizures. At 16, his doctor told him he'd probably never drive - just as all his friends were getting their learner's permits. He was involuntarily committed to an adolescent pysch ward for a month. Upon release, I enrolled him in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) course and went with him to the classes every week and did the homework as well. It helped him tremendously and today, he is a successful grad student in an occupational therapy master's program and wants to help others live their lives to their fullest and help them navigate their challenges. Incidentally, while he wasn't a candidate for any of the available surgeries at that time, he was subsequently implanted with a new kind of neurostimulator and a brand-new drug was introduced into his regimen, and a few years later . . . he became eligible for a driver's license! For me, the classes helped me to gain new perspective and reframe my thoughts; it has helped me cope on the really bad days.

I've never shared my story publicly with anyone, but I wanted you to know that people can deal with chronic illness, feel the way you've been feeling, and still move forward to find purpose in their lives. There is always someone who cares about you - family, friends, even a pet. For my son, DBT was life-changing. For me, it helped me to see a path forward, regardless. I hope you find more information within the forum from others, but while you search for answers, please also consider connecting with a mental health provider who can help you deal with how you feel right now. We once thought our son would never live a full, independent life, and in just a few years thanks to advances in medical technology, here we are watching him drive away to school every day. Please stay hopeful. Wishing you the very best. P

What an incredibly inspiring message and story, @pm56 Thank you! It’s so easy to feel terribly alone when we suffer from chronically painful conditions, and when our healthcare system is limited in what it can offer us. @ariza9110, I am so glad you have posted to share how hopeless and helpless you have been feeling. I, too, am negatively impacted by mold and have run the gamut of attempts to regain health over decades. Many attempts to access healing have resulted in similar responses, either telling me there was no remedy/treatment or that this was in my head, or that I could fix it with some regimen that either cost more money than I could ever earn (and was not covered by insurance) or involved my taking umpteen vitamins or attending to my body’s needs every second of every day, to the point that earning a living or living a meaningful life was seemingly impossible. You are not alone in this!

@pm56, again, your story is hopeful and inspiring. Sometimes, the science process is achingly slow to address some of our struggles, but your story tells us that, at least some times, it catches up with us.

@ariza9110, I hope you will continue sharing here and will find at least some comfort in knowing that you are not alone with your experiences, and as with the article shared by John, you will find some information that you can take to your medical team and some language that you can use with them to keep helping them work toward providing you with the medical help and support that you need.

I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that a solution (or set of them) finds you very soon.