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There is no hope: Life feels impossible to me

Posted by ariza9110 @ariza9110, Jun 17 5:37am

so 4 years ago i lived in a moldy place and since then to this day i developed hypersenstivity to mold, where as a reaction to it i get brain fog, this condition is chronic, debilitating and constant, and the worst part is that medicine doesnt recognises it and there isnt enough reaserch about it so im litearlly doomed to suffer, i cant see myself living my whole life with this brain fog because of it, i also have other health conditions and baisically i suffer all day everyday but with this problem it is the worst because i know you cant get better, the only "treatments" out there i found where psuedoscientific quakeris about "detox" i better be dead at this point than keep living misrebaly with all my chronic illnesses (which this one is the worst since theres no treatment)

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ariza9110 | @ariza9110 | Sep 4 1:06pm

It might not be the right place to post it but i just feel like i need to get this off my chest, so i am 19 and i started dealing with chronic overlooked misunderstood illnesses at 15, i developed mold senstivity which gave me chronic brain fog which i havent been able to clear until this day, also at 16 i developed vision issues (which later found to be acommadation/convegerance insufficency) which makes near sight vision feel uncomfortable and cause difficulty reading and blurry vision, at 17 i developed uars which is pretty similair to sleep apnea and at 18 a problem with my jaw where i feel constant discomfort in my orofacial area and eating is uncomftrable also, along this way i also had periods of severe depression and suicidality and psychaitric hospitalisations which where abusive and very traumatising, i got zero help from doctors and the medical system with none of my problems, and many gaslighting and negelct, it took more then a year and a half after uars started to find a doctor willing to diagnose and treat it while insurance wont even cover any treatment, thing is my day to day is hell, i have been going through immense amount of suffering for way too long and staying alive feels so hard, i have been suicidal for so long now tough i want to live just under better conditions, i stopped trying to get help from doctors and the medical system due to trauma but at the same time im unable to find help on my own, i feel lost, trapped, and really need things to change, i am disabled and no one really understands whats my reality is like, when i tell about it to my parents many time i do so in a very angry depressed way which makes them think i need ssri but i tell them that ssri wont take away the fact that i have zero life quality, ive been stuck in this loop for too long and something needs to change, i just had to get that off my chest

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7 replies
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ruthclayton6 | @ruthclayton6 | Sep 4 2:16pm
In reply to @ariza9110 "It might not be the right place to post it but i just feel like i..." + (show)
Profile picture for ariza9110 @ariza9110

It might not be the right place to post it but i just feel like i need to get this off my chest, so i am 19 and i started dealing with chronic overlooked misunderstood illnesses at 15, i developed mold senstivity which gave me chronic brain fog which i havent been able to clear until this day, also at 16 i developed vision issues (which later found to be acommadation/convegerance insufficency) which makes near sight vision feel uncomfortable and cause difficulty reading and blurry vision, at 17 i developed uars which is pretty similair to sleep apnea and at 18 a problem with my jaw where i feel constant discomfort in my orofacial area and eating is uncomftrable also, along this way i also had periods of severe depression and suicidality and psychaitric hospitalisations which where abusive and very traumatising, i got zero help from doctors and the medical system with none of my problems, and many gaslighting and negelct, it took more then a year and a half after uars started to find a doctor willing to diagnose and treat it while insurance wont even cover any treatment, thing is my day to day is hell, i have been going through immense amount of suffering for way too long and staying alive feels so hard, i have been suicidal for so long now tough i want to live just under better conditions, i stopped trying to get help from doctors and the medical system due to trauma but at the same time im unable to find help on my own, i feel lost, trapped, and really need things to change, i am disabled and no one really understands whats my reality is like, when i tell about it to my parents many time i do so in a very angry depressed way which makes them think i need ssri but i tell them that ssri wont take away the fact that i have zero life quality, ive been stuck in this loop for too long and something needs to change, i just had to get that off my chest

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I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm 16, and through I haven't experienced the same pain as you, I understand frustration, pain, depression, and suicidal thoughts. I once thought of taking me life, but not anymore. I found a light. My religion is the only thing that kept me going, it gave me peace. I encourage you to seek out passions and hobbies and try to make the best of your life. Do some research on good specialists and make appointments with these doctors. I really hope you get better. The journey is rough I've battle severe depression for years, I can promise it gets better. Have you heard the song Numb Little Bug by Em Beihold? If not listen to it. I think her lyrics accurately describe this. I hope you find your peace.

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gravity3 | @gravity3 | Sep 4 2:23pm
In reply to @ariza9110 "It might not be the right place to post it but i just feel like i..." + (show)
Profile picture for ariza9110 @ariza9110

It might not be the right place to post it but i just feel like i need to get this off my chest, so i am 19 and i started dealing with chronic overlooked misunderstood illnesses at 15, i developed mold senstivity which gave me chronic brain fog which i havent been able to clear until this day, also at 16 i developed vision issues (which later found to be acommadation/convegerance insufficency) which makes near sight vision feel uncomfortable and cause difficulty reading and blurry vision, at 17 i developed uars which is pretty similair to sleep apnea and at 18 a problem with my jaw where i feel constant discomfort in my orofacial area and eating is uncomftrable also, along this way i also had periods of severe depression and suicidality and psychaitric hospitalisations which where abusive and very traumatising, i got zero help from doctors and the medical system with none of my problems, and many gaslighting and negelct, it took more then a year and a half after uars started to find a doctor willing to diagnose and treat it while insurance wont even cover any treatment, thing is my day to day is hell, i have been going through immense amount of suffering for way too long and staying alive feels so hard, i have been suicidal for so long now tough i want to live just under better conditions, i stopped trying to get help from doctors and the medical system due to trauma but at the same time im unable to find help on my own, i feel lost, trapped, and really need things to change, i am disabled and no one really understands whats my reality is like, when i tell about it to my parents many time i do so in a very angry depressed way which makes them think i need ssri but i tell them that ssri wont take away the fact that i have zero life quality, ive been stuck in this loop for too long and something needs to change, i just had to get that off my chest

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You've come to the right place. Support is here. It takes a bit of time for people to check in but lots of support here.

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standinginfaith | @standinginfaith | Sep 4 6:02pm
In reply to @ariza9110 "It might not be the right place to post it but i just feel like i..." + (show)
Profile picture for ariza9110 @ariza9110

It might not be the right place to post it but i just feel like i need to get this off my chest, so i am 19 and i started dealing with chronic overlooked misunderstood illnesses at 15, i developed mold senstivity which gave me chronic brain fog which i havent been able to clear until this day, also at 16 i developed vision issues (which later found to be acommadation/convegerance insufficency) which makes near sight vision feel uncomfortable and cause difficulty reading and blurry vision, at 17 i developed uars which is pretty similair to sleep apnea and at 18 a problem with my jaw where i feel constant discomfort in my orofacial area and eating is uncomftrable also, along this way i also had periods of severe depression and suicidality and psychaitric hospitalisations which where abusive and very traumatising, i got zero help from doctors and the medical system with none of my problems, and many gaslighting and negelct, it took more then a year and a half after uars started to find a doctor willing to diagnose and treat it while insurance wont even cover any treatment, thing is my day to day is hell, i have been going through immense amount of suffering for way too long and staying alive feels so hard, i have been suicidal for so long now tough i want to live just under better conditions, i stopped trying to get help from doctors and the medical system due to trauma but at the same time im unable to find help on my own, i feel lost, trapped, and really need things to change, i am disabled and no one really understands whats my reality is like, when i tell about it to my parents many time i do so in a very angry depressed way which makes them think i need ssri but i tell them that ssri wont take away the fact that i have zero life quality, ive been stuck in this loop for too long and something needs to change, i just had to get that off my chest

Jump to this post

I am 71 and was healthy until an antibiotic took me out..on Dec 19 2019.. blew a hemorrhage in my stomach.. and it's just spiraled since then..I have asthma.. but that's under control.. some days I can't even get out of bed..and that's so hard.. having been active.. driving 1000 miles a week on my job.. painting the house.. all
the stuff in life you do.. and it just breaks my heart to read your story.. I know how frustrating the medical system can be.. a bad doctor is a bad thing.. you can divorce a bad spouse but a bad doctor can kill you.. (several have almost succeeded with me..).. I have thought ..I'll just blow my brains out..but ..I'll OD.. but..winter time I'll just go out there and freeze to death but...who will find me..?? And what will it do to them..?? My best friend shot herself in 2006 and we still cry. She was a nurse and got sick with MS and strokes and all this stuff. and she just did it..and if I could only tell her how much I love her one more time..so you please don';t even think about suicide!! Those thoughts come from the pit of hell.. ( yes I have become an on fire for God/ Jesus is Lord Pentecostal during my illness watching TV ..I won't preach to you.. I will ask you.. tell GOD.. cry out to Him.. He loves you enough to send his Son to die for us ..and by His stripes we are healed!! There are prayer warriors out there to pray with you.. you can call them if you like.. Joyce Meyer is one.. ..Kenneth Copeland..and maybe that's not your thing..it wasn't mine. it is now!!.You are young and God has a good plan for your life!! So I will pray for you!! )Please stay strong.. it's so hard.. I know.. I've been standing on the stripes of Jesus for 5 years..amd just now my healing is manifesting.. it isn't always instant.. you sound like a lovely young person and I just know you are having such a difficult time for someone so young.. I'm sending you a hug and praying for you precious !!

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tslayden | @tslayden | Sep 5 9:39am
In reply to @ariza9110 "It might not be the right place to post it but i just feel like i..." + (show)
Profile picture for ariza9110 @ariza9110

It might not be the right place to post it but i just feel like i need to get this off my chest, so i am 19 and i started dealing with chronic overlooked misunderstood illnesses at 15, i developed mold senstivity which gave me chronic brain fog which i havent been able to clear until this day, also at 16 i developed vision issues (which later found to be acommadation/convegerance insufficency) which makes near sight vision feel uncomfortable and cause difficulty reading and blurry vision, at 17 i developed uars which is pretty similair to sleep apnea and at 18 a problem with my jaw where i feel constant discomfort in my orofacial area and eating is uncomftrable also, along this way i also had periods of severe depression and suicidality and psychaitric hospitalisations which where abusive and very traumatising, i got zero help from doctors and the medical system with none of my problems, and many gaslighting and negelct, it took more then a year and a half after uars started to find a doctor willing to diagnose and treat it while insurance wont even cover any treatment, thing is my day to day is hell, i have been going through immense amount of suffering for way too long and staying alive feels so hard, i have been suicidal for so long now tough i want to live just under better conditions, i stopped trying to get help from doctors and the medical system due to trauma but at the same time im unable to find help on my own, i feel lost, trapped, and really need things to change, i am disabled and no one really understands whats my reality is like, when i tell about it to my parents many time i do so in a very angry depressed way which makes them think i need ssri but i tell them that ssri wont take away the fact that i have zero life quality, ive been stuck in this loop for too long and something needs to change, i just had to get that off my chest

Jump to this post

I am 71 and have dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts sinceI was 17. However I found caring psychiatrists and psychologists my whole life. I have been seeing my current psychiatrist for about 10 years on a weekly basis. Talking to him keeps me centered and we deal with the depression as soon as it comes up. I tell him everything I am thinking. If you cannot afford a private psychiatrist , you can go to your local mental health center. They have very caring psychologists and clinical social workers. I am so sorry you had such bad hospital experiences. I assure you that there caring people willing to help you out there. I am a retired psychologist and would have been happy to see you in therapy. Please don’t give up.

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carolgra | @carolgra | Sep 6 10:18am
In reply to @ariza9110 "It might not be the right place to post it but i just feel like i..." + (show)
Profile picture for ariza9110 @ariza9110

It might not be the right place to post it but i just feel like i need to get this off my chest, so i am 19 and i started dealing with chronic overlooked misunderstood illnesses at 15, i developed mold senstivity which gave me chronic brain fog which i havent been able to clear until this day, also at 16 i developed vision issues (which later found to be acommadation/convegerance insufficency) which makes near sight vision feel uncomfortable and cause difficulty reading and blurry vision, at 17 i developed uars which is pretty similair to sleep apnea and at 18 a problem with my jaw where i feel constant discomfort in my orofacial area and eating is uncomftrable also, along this way i also had periods of severe depression and suicidality and psychaitric hospitalisations which where abusive and very traumatising, i got zero help from doctors and the medical system with none of my problems, and many gaslighting and negelct, it took more then a year and a half after uars started to find a doctor willing to diagnose and treat it while insurance wont even cover any treatment, thing is my day to day is hell, i have been going through immense amount of suffering for way too long and staying alive feels so hard, i have been suicidal for so long now tough i want to live just under better conditions, i stopped trying to get help from doctors and the medical system due to trauma but at the same time im unable to find help on my own, i feel lost, trapped, and really need things to change, i am disabled and no one really understands whats my reality is like, when i tell about it to my parents many time i do so in a very angry depressed way which makes them think i need ssri but i tell them that ssri wont take away the fact that i have zero life quality, ive been stuck in this loop for too long and something needs to change, i just had to get that off my chest

Jump to this post

I am so sorry for the real struggle you are experiencing. I am 78. I had been prescribed xanax 20 years ago for anxiety, panic attacks and insomnia. Trying to wean myself off put me in a place of devastation and hopelessness. The journey continued for 19 months. The only way I survived was through prayer, meditation and I was fortunate to find a studio where I learned Tai Chi and Qigong. I am better now, but the long term damage is still there in continued insomnia and anxiety. I just take one day at a time.
I pray you will find a way to heal and find the little joys that life has to offer. Definitely reading scripture everyday is important for me.

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1 reply
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hraka13 | @hraka13 | Sep 6 10:11pm
In reply to @ariza9110 "It might not be the right place to post it but i just feel like i..." + (show)
Profile picture for ariza9110 @ariza9110

It might not be the right place to post it but i just feel like i need to get this off my chest, so i am 19 and i started dealing with chronic overlooked misunderstood illnesses at 15, i developed mold senstivity which gave me chronic brain fog which i havent been able to clear until this day, also at 16 i developed vision issues (which later found to be acommadation/convegerance insufficency) which makes near sight vision feel uncomfortable and cause difficulty reading and blurry vision, at 17 i developed uars which is pretty similair to sleep apnea and at 18 a problem with my jaw where i feel constant discomfort in my orofacial area and eating is uncomftrable also, along this way i also had periods of severe depression and suicidality and psychaitric hospitalisations which where abusive and very traumatising, i got zero help from doctors and the medical system with none of my problems, and many gaslighting and negelct, it took more then a year and a half after uars started to find a doctor willing to diagnose and treat it while insurance wont even cover any treatment, thing is my day to day is hell, i have been going through immense amount of suffering for way too long and staying alive feels so hard, i have been suicidal for so long now tough i want to live just under better conditions, i stopped trying to get help from doctors and the medical system due to trauma but at the same time im unable to find help on my own, i feel lost, trapped, and really need things to change, i am disabled and no one really understands whats my reality is like, when i tell about it to my parents many time i do so in a very angry depressed way which makes them think i need ssri but i tell them that ssri wont take away the fact that i have zero life quality, ive been stuck in this loop for too long and something needs to change, i just had to get that off my chest

Jump to this post

Have you seen a mental health professional, like a psychiatrist? I would start there. Not a psychologist or therapist but an actual psychiatrist, especially a forensic psychiatrist.
Don’t give up. I’m 63 and have dealt with issues since I was younger than you. Life hasn’t been “rosy” but it’s good, some days even great.

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covidstinks2023 | @covidstinks2023 | Sep 7 7:51am

ariza9110, Lord bless you young lady. You have a heavy load and I am so sorry. You are so worthy of love and
worthy of life. God loves you. My faith in Jesus Christ and praying to Him is what keeps me going daily with what I battle. Turn to Jesus my friend. John 3:16. The Bible, His Holy Word is His love letters to us.

Please do not give up. Please seek a good Christian Counselor to talk too. Find a good Psychiatrist to treat you.
Reach out to a good church and go. You need people who will love you and support you and wrap their arms
around you and love you. Yes, a good church is loving.

I agree with you. I have gone to doctors that were not a good fit for me. I asked around and got references
until I find a good doctor that would listen. They are out there, I promise you.

Please promise me you will not do anything to harm yourself, ok? The world needs you. God made you special. There is nobody else like you in this world. We are all different and we compliment each other. Call the suicide line at 988 and talk to someone.

I am on my knees praying for you right now. I am old enough to be your Mama, so I say as your "adopted" Mama, there is hope my child. Don't give up. Love you and keep me posted on your progress please.

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lighthouseceliac | @lighthouseceliac | Sep 7 9:18am

Hello
There are so many with some great advice that have written you.
Being human is hard, with all the comforts that our modern world provides we sometimes forget how much we really are forced to struggle with.
You are struggling but there are many who can help, you just need to find the ones who really can help. Don’t give up on us imperfect humans out here.
We are born into a world full of toxins and germs, diseases and such.
We all face many challenges right away that are out of our control.
With age comes experience that is not discussed much because no matter how many rotations around the sun we have under our belt…we are constantly learning and growing trying to figure life out.
People will be put along side you in your unique path that will help. Keep your heart open so you recognize the ones who can help.
Mayo is my lifeline for health issues, but family/friends and activities/exercise…art… creative outlets are equally important.
You will find your way…just let it happen. Put one foot in front of the other. When you ask for help be willing to also give help to anyone or anything in your corral, what has been entrusted to you.
All is well…keep seeking…never give up. You have tons of good times ahead…don’t wait for the light at the end of the tunnel…light that “B” up yourself. Lots of love from this Grammy

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