Son estranged due to controlling spouse

I think you're offering excellent and wise advice! Basically as someone told me yesterday, look at the end goal of your relationships. Do you want essentially to be close or connected to the person? Then keep focused on that! What color hair they have, job they choose, friends they keep, bad habits they have -- Is focusing on any of those going to bring or keep you closer to the person you care about? Is it going to strengthen your relationship? If not, it's probably not that necessary or important.

Ya have to feel it, I guess.

For me, it is a very deep wound that will be with me always. That is not b/c I need to be up in his business all the time.

I’d love to see, w/o butting in, what he’s like as a dad (they alienated me a month after their birth of my 1st grandchild). Laugh with them, do stuff for them.

And then when something like alienation happens you may hear some pretty callous stuff from them; things that can’t be unsaid, and you take inventory of what’s said and you own what is yours. Then you scratch your head and you wonder if you and that child were ever close?! I perceive it one way and he clearly sees it another, and THAT is the knife in MY heart.

Wife and mother have different roles in a man’s life. So why does it have to be number one or two or three? In my view ( learned from my mother) kids should be number one because they need you the most. My mom treated my SIL well. She even told us to take care of her. In her words “she left her country and her family to marry your brother. Be nice to her.” Thirty years later, she becomes our youngest sister. When my mon had a stroke and became bed ridden, she would come to help take care of mom. Life is too short to waste time on ugly stuff.

It is sad and he needs to be held accountable for his choice. I so often hear that the parent needs to wait around for whatever crumbs are tossed their way. I disagree. There is such a thing as gratitude and loyalty toward your parents (given they weren’t abusive). Yes, the adult child has the right to choose to do whatever they want…and the parent then has a choice in how to respond. My daughter married into an enmeshed family and she was well aware of the issue. Six months later and we had no relationship, even though she lives 5 miles away. I saw it happening early on….her husband would do little things to distance her from me and when I spent time with my daughter would constantly call or text. Little by little she pulled away. I mentioned several times that we should go out, or I missed our times together….but nothing came of it. I do know that I have lost trust in my daughter. We were always close. She always said, even right up to the time that she started dating him, that she wanted to have a place with a guest house for me when I got older. That’s how much things have changed. She is responsible for her choice to allow his interference in our relationship. One issue impacting this ….I think he is pulling her away from me because he wants a green card and his parents and sister do also. They are from Australia. Maybe they feel I will get in the way of this. I am sick over all this because I don’t think their intentions are pure. I believe if they were coming from a good place, he would want his wife (my daughter) to have a happy and healthy relationship with her mother. That does not seem to be the case.

Im so sorry.

I no longer feel alone after reading this post. I had a stepdaughter. Loved her like my own. She married into an enmeshed family. The husband's mother was a jealous woman and constantly tried to pull our daughter away. Every Christmas, my daughter would be guilted into not coming to our house for the holiday by her mother-in-law. Lots of stressful stories of all this, long story short, our daughter died of leukemia at age 47; her last words were. " I love you". Now we no longer have her at all. The mother-in-law, who wanted complete control over the family, has now moved in with them. We do not hear from our grandsons, and when we call, we are lucky to get a 2 or 3-minute conversation on the phone. Why do humans have to have this kind of BS? Love for each other should always be at the top. Seems to be fading fast on this earth.

So much pain! My son ghosted me a couple of months ago. While I am sure
his wife has been encouraging him in this direction for the many years they have been together, I blame them both equally. They live in another city from where we reside and, until this estrangement, we would FaceTime with the 2 little ones every week. No more, and I miss them so terribly. Additionally, they lived within an easy day's drive of us, but have now moved much further away and live in the same small town as my daughter-in-law's family. She has tried to convince him to move there for many years to be near her Daddy. Our older son suffered with schizophrenia and took his own life a dozen years ago; it appears that our younger son never fully grieved his brother's loss, and the entire family is now paying the price. I have been seeing a wonderful therapist for many years now. But nothing can take the pain away. I try to remember his admonition not to give my son and DIL so much control over my life.

Hi Yogamom,
I'm sorry that your son is treating you this way! And you can't even see your little grandchildren on the computer anymore! That is so sad! It's hard when children turn away from their parents and then your other son committed suicide. You have been through so much! My son hasn't contacted me in 20 years and I'm not sure why. We had no disagreement. He just refused to call or visit. It really hurt me. But what I finally did was give him back to God. I told God that I couldn't do anything with him and that maybe God could straighten him out. It made me feel free and like I could live my life for me without feeling sad and lonely on every holiday. I do look him up on X just to see if he is dead or alive, but I don't communicate with him. I also pray a lot and God has helped me a lot. My husband recently died and God has helped me get through this time. Praying might help you also. God loves us and is always there for us. I'll say a prayer for you also.
I wish you the best.
PML

I noticed the withdrawal from me about 6 months before it actually happened. Once my wife to be started planning her wedding, I felt the pull away. I even drove the 1.5 hours to the town he lives in to meet with him privately at a coffee shop to find out what was up. I got told...a lot going on...stressful times at work...all the reading for marriage classes...getting the license...yadda yadda yadda. No I still love you mom, just really busy.

The weekend of the wedding came...and all appeared to be well. It was a small affair at a restaurant and there was no band so I thought...no dancing. Well...I was wrong. They started piping in music and the bride and groom danced. I was thrilled. The father of the bride danced with his daughter. I got myself ready to be called up. Then the mother and the father of the bride had a dance. I was confused but I signaled from across the room..."hey..you and me...dance?" And my son waved me off with a panicked look..."no mom".

I was so stunned and heartbroken I didn't know what to do. I couldn't sit there and cry...so I tried to discreetly slip out.

Well...needless to say I was told I was selfish and made it all about me. I was the villain because I left hoping to avoid detracting from their day. The day after I apologized to the parents of the bride saying I was just stunned by being left out. They in turn informed me that supposedly my son was asked twice about a mother of the groom dance and he replied "she never got back to us." I didn't even know they were having music. It's funny because I took them out to brunch just 2 weeks prior to the wedding and nothing was mentioned.

So, I tried to take the high road...I said you didn't bother to let me know your plans, I didn't handle my feelings well...let's just chalk it up to one horrendous oversight and move on...no harm no foul. But that wasn't good enough. I said maybe we should take a break to cool off before anything else was said...and since then I have been given the cold shoulder. I was also told "when and if we want to reconnect, we will be in touch" my d-i-l speaking for both of them. I tried a couple of times to reach out but my texts are blocked and I was blocked from FB.

I went to therapy. My therapist thinks my reaction to being excluded and blindsided was normal. She suggested honoring their space but sending an apology note. I have since sent 2. One to both of them, and one just to her.

I struggle with what I should do next. I noticed I can still IM so I sent a couple of funny videos to my son. Just things that reminded me of him and maybe 2 over the last 5 months. I worry that mailing something to both of them via his home address will simply be intercepted and tossed.

Everyone advises to just drop it and not do anything more....but I worry that I will be perceived and not caring.
If I send a simple Christmas card...will that be invasive?

I still can not believe this all happened. I have told him...I would like the opportunity to repair our relationship but he won't communicate with me.

He is my only child...and he has his father's family and his wife's family to fill the family void. I can't understand why or when he stopped caring about me.

It feels better venting to others going through it. People say just to surround myself with my other family that cares and move on. But my only child...my baby...my son...is a huge chunk of my life. I get reminded of him often...and then the tears come.

Today I tell myself....stand strong...and let him come to me. I will try. That's all I can do.

@zmom93
What a sad situation for you! That's not right the way your son treated you! I'm sure you didn't raise him that way either. Children can be so uncaring these days. That whole situation with the wedding dance was wrong. In fact, it was just plain impolite and the inlaws don't sound any better! You are the better person making all these attempts to mend hurt feelings and appologize when they should be the ones appologizing to you! I know it's hard to do but I would just ignore them totally. And I speak from experience. My only child, my son hasn't spoken to me in 20 years and I don't know why. There was no disagreement. He's been married twice and I've never been invited to either wedding. I finally told God that I was giving my son back to him and asked God to straighten him out. I've never tried to reach my son again because I know I wouldn't be welcome. My son is 53. He knows better than to act like this! My husband, (Not my son's father.) recently died in 2024 from lung cancer and it would have been nice to have my son there for me but I knew that wouldn't happen.

I think you are correct in standing strong and waitng for your son to come to you. The Christmas card is a nice idea but it would probably just be thrown out.

It states in the Bible that in the last days children will turn against parents. I guess you and I are both finding that out to be true.

Take your problems and cares to God and let him handle them. I pray all the time and prayers do get answered. God is always there for us. I'll say a prayer for you also.
I wish you the best.
PML