Most of my family think I lost my marbles years ago, someone even called it the Peter pan effect (those old enough remember that story).

I rarely take meds as I normally have adverse reactions to them. Was given pain meds a long time ago, forgot the name as was so long ago but the effects gave it the nick name Zombie Meds, was encouraged to increase doses until I felt no pain (back then had L4/L5 lumber decompression surgery), it's been a bane of my life since, the damage it did before surgery has destroyed most of my nerve endings which effect things like feeling if bladder is full. But since that drug I was encouraged to take to numb the pain rather than having surgery has made me very afraid of meds and the advice that came with them.

The full body vibrations maybe be a sign of what to come, but I have at least made peace with it, other than the odd far out days I prevent it from being a constant worry on my mind, maybe losing my marbles years ago has helped this status of change of life be more helpful than I thought.

It took months to ween myself from that drug, I hated the side effects, I hated the reaction given to my by so called professionals within said fields, I hated being placed in a general category, clumped together with other people that had pain and symptoms 😢.

I think the end result has had an effect that while I don't really notice it others do, I rarely associate with other people outside of work or home, I rarely feel lost or without direction as I live within my own mind and comforts, is this just who I am or is it what I feel I have but don't fully understand its end of life meaning for myself.

I know one thing though I feel very little compassion for family members, no tears of joy, sadness, hate, love, has what the full body vibrations and that of what my brother has caused myself to retract within myself.

I AM A COWARD. Refusing to face the truths of what is to come.