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Is it time for a nursing home?
Caregivers: Dementia | Last Active: Aug 3, 2025 | Replies (32)Comment receiving replies
I am the caregiver along with her daughter who comes morning, afternoon and night. We live in an upscale Life Care Community and have most likely have a five star rating. I understand the stress thing and have managed to learn to deal with the outbursts, etc. In fact, I have an 840 square two rooms reserved that will be brand new and have state-of-the-art electronics to monitor falls, etc. So, put all that aside I am really struggling with what is best for my wife. I'm 87 and can take a lot of stress and am only concerned with this part of my decision making process in what is best for her. Not for me. Not for family. Just her. Better at home (across the street from the Assisted Living Building) or in the building close by.
Replies to "I am the caregiver along with her daughter who comes morning, afternoon and night. We live..."
@picartist My mother faced this exact dilemma when my father broke his hip. The choice they faced was should he try to stay in their apartment or should he go to assisted living . Dad had some dementia which caused him to get up at night, forget to take his medications, and go for long walks and get lost. So, my parents decided that Dad would go downstairs to assisted living and return to the apartment for the day. Mom would stay in the apartment. Mom was able to visit everyday (when he could no longer go up to the apartment) and take him to activities in a wheelchair. It worked very well for both of them.
I understand that circumstances are different for you but I just wanted to share a story that is similar to yours. My best to you and to your decision. Becky
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I think there are 3 parts to your issue - managing the stress (on you and her daughter) will become more difficult over time. What is "best for her" - if you are at hand and your daughter is close by, maybe what is best is to move her calmly and not wait for a crisis, then stay active in her care in the new place. Also, as time passes, she will adapt to whatever you and her family treat as normal.
Would you be able to bring her personal things - easy chair, pictures, dresser, etc? If so, transition will be easier.
Now I am going to play devil's advocate for a moment - you may feel like 87 is no big deal, but what happens to your wife tomorrow if you have a heart attack, a stroke or a serious fall? Life will change in an instant for all of you. Is her daughter willing and able to provide 24/7 care to both of you? Who will help her?
I am asking because my best friends were in the same place back in January, her parents had been resisting the move to assisted living in their community for over two years. Mom was handling things okay with twice a day help from daughters. Suddenly Mom had a fall and was placed in rehab (downstairs), sis got ill, and my friend, her husband & brother took up 24/7 of Dad for 3 months until they could get an apartment. Everyone was exhausted - how much better it would have been if they were already settled, and Dad had the on-site care so they could sleep at home? And Mom could have left rehab sooner if she had the right setting to come home to.
I guess what I am saying is, someone is probably suggesting this move to you. Why? And the best things for your wife are an appropriate setting, no sudden move, and family caregivers who have time and energy for the "extras" - a walk, a card game if she is able, a look at the photo album, even just watching a TV show - because the basics are handled.
Just my two cents worth after caring for parents, grandparents, uncles and neighbors in my lifetime.