Caregiver burnout and my Dad who I have been caring for 24/7 fired me

@jenniferla

I am so sorry for all you have gone through, and are going through! I agree that your dad is not behaving reasonably, or acceptably and am so sorry! Not that it is an excuse, but I know from my own caregiver experience (where I do not have to endure abuse of any sort, but often complaining and impossible to please kind of stuff), that strong, authoritative men seem to especially have a struggle with losing what they perceive to be authority, independence and control. Men of this generation and temperament were often raised with the belief that your only worth as a man is what you can DO, and what you can contribute. So when their ability to control their lives erodes away—and they can’t even get any kind of control over their body’s and bodily functions sometimes, they feel emasculated and worthless. And sadly, hurting people hurt people. Plus, he sounds like my dad—traditional roles and expectations based on gender and family position. Your role of daughter, being switched to full time caregiver who is privy to all his weaknesses and the humiliation of aging, is tough for both of you and it sounds like he takes that out on you.

That being said, it’s no excuse for treating you badly! The trick is for you to internally battle the bitterness. It is a burden YOU don’t need or deserve. Personally, I think it is a battle that can only be won through the Holy Spirit, on a moment by moment basis. Delving into the Word (Bible), and prayer.

Is there any way you and your pups can find another place to live and work now? It sounds like he is cared for, and maybe you can go and enjoy some relief from this situation and build an existence that doesn’t revolve around it (and get some AC!). It may even help your relationship with him over time…..as you could still let him know that you care how he is doing….

This basement existence sounds miserable and I pray you can move towards something more comfortable and livable!

@jenniferla

Not to keep going on and on, but also, I can relate when you say that your dad respects his son’s opinions more than yours. My dad, being from that very traditional, authoritative, etc role generation has been much the same. Until my brother died recently (and unexpectedly, about four months ago), I was able to enlist his help from out of state, to talk to dad about things he did not take well from me. Now that is going to be a big challenge in my situation! In your situation, now that your dad has so much other outside help (and I assume they will be doing the grodier things that he probably would never have allowed a son to do), his son will be able to in many ways stay in the role of son—rather than that full on, 24/7 caregiver role. So if you see them enjoying more harmony than you did as caregiver, that may be a factor? I am just so sorry you are going through this after dedicating so much to caregiving for him!

There is no justification for any type of abuse.

Agreed. No justification for any type of abuse. Hoping this precious person can now move away from this situation physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually—with a new home and counseling to heal from years of suffering!

My heart goes out to anyone caregiving for a Viet Nam vet. My husband is one too and has severe Parkinson’s from Agent Orange exposure. I became exhausted trying to care for him and to top it off he began threatening to kill me and became violent. In our nearly 50 years of marriage he had never been that way. Our son lives with and he saved me. He insisted on an intervention, so the next time it happened we called the police and an ambulance. He was given the choice of a jail cell or the emergency department. He eventually chose the hospital and was transferred to a lock down psych ward for a couple of weeks. He was stabilized on medication and was himself again when he came home. His violent, nasty behavior was the result of PTSD that was never treated. He’s not perfect now but he’s struggling with a lot physically. Thanks to my son’s hard work and his perseverance, my husband is now covered a hundred percent by the VA and we have a wonderful team helping us. If it becomes necessary the VA will provide long term care. This is available to all service injured veterans under the Pact Act. There’s no need to keep struggling and suffering abuse. I encourage anyone who is enduring abuse as I was, to seek psychiatric help for your loved one and support for yourself. May you be blessed for all you have done and still do. We give up our lives to serve others mostly with very little appreciation.

Wise words from someone who has endured so much!

So sorry you AND your father are having to live with this. Did you have a big falling out? Why did he suddenly decide to kick you out? Is he annoyed by your pets? Persons who serve in combat in ANY war have been effected by the experience. My father was a WWII vet who served in the South Pacific suffered from PTSD although they didn't call it that then. Several of my friends who served in Viet Nam have mood disorders and other mental issues. Sadly, this also affects their friends and particularly their families. The VA here has support groups for caregivers and may have them in your location. Some are available online.

The hardest thing for any one is caring for a family member, there is history there and it can cause so many emotional set backs for both the care giver and the patient. I hate that you are having this trouble. Maybe you could find a mediator to help you and your dad navigate this time that he is so angry. Unless he has dementia which can really cause so many mood swings and problems. Good luck and I hope you and your father can get to a good place together.

Omg everything you said is so on point! Sorry for my delayed response. He had me arrested. He changed all the locks and put a keypad lock on the door at the top of the basement stairs. I panicked because it’s my house too and my only way out is through the bulked and the windows don’t even come close to legal ways of egress. So I put hole in door and opened it. I should’ve called cops. I’ve never been a cop caller so it’s not the first thing that enters my mind.

Thank you for sharing! I really thought I was the only one dealing with this. I am in the process of getting counseling and support group. I was hoping family therapy but I know him so well. He’s stubborn, thinks it’s all me with the problems and always bad mouthed mental health support or any kind of counseling.