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Dealing with a Spouse with a “Mild Cognitive Impairment”
Caregivers: Dementia | Last Active: 2 hours ago | Replies (335)Comment receiving replies
I have a dilemma and would appreciate some input. Yesterday my husband's old Mazda died and I spent much of the day dealing with having it towed, picking him up from where it expired, and finding a place to take it. Today I'll arrange to donate it to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. My husband has Alzheimer's that was diagnosed at least two years ago and had been evident for several years before that. Two doctors have recommended he stop driving, but he only drives to one or two places that he's very familiar with. One is a coffee shop where he's able to socialize and get out of the house for a few hours. I know he shouldn't drive anywhere else, but I think that for now he's okay. But, now that his car is gone it would be a good time for him to stop driving. My own car, a Toyota Camry that will live forever, is 21 years old and, though it runs okay, it's a mess. I've wanted a new car for a long time and am worried that mine will break down or need expensive repairs. Now would be a good time to get a new car and downsize to just having one. The trouble is, my husband wants a new car for himself. When I mentioned getting one for me and getting rid of my old decrepit vehicle (we are not a car-loving family particularly), he objected. I want him to stop driving but we've reached an impasse. I can't tell my husband to stop driving. I can't tell him to cut his long hair and beard, let alone stop driving. I know what I should do: get a doctor to do it, but I need some encouragement. What to do?
Replies to "I have a dilemma and would appreciate some input. Yesterday my husband's old Mazda died and..."
When my husband's driving became a legitimate concern, I told him it was time to stop and cited two incidents that scared me as a passenger, wife, and potential co-defendant in an accident case. Whether your husband causes an accident or is involved in one caused by another driver, the fact remains that he has a dementia diagnosis of record, and you (wife) were aware of that fact as he continued to drive. The liability you share with him is real. Likely you have not advised your insurance company that one of the insured drivers on your policy has dementia or they may have required a certified driving assessment by a mental health professional or canceled his coverage. Unless your financial situation allows for self- insurance, and you are not concerned about causing property damage, serious bodily injury or death, or sharing in civil or criminal penalties arising from fault in a driving event, by all means continue to LET him drive. You can also advise him that due to your concerns for his safety, and the impact a serious accident may have on your financial security you will shift these worries to his PCP or physician managing his dementia. In this case liability would involve his doctor(s) and expose their medical licenses to jeopardy. No doctor will want to accept that type of liability. Physicians can initiate the process in your state of removing driving privileges. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is a very serious issue for you, your husband, and those on the road with him. With dementia no one ever knows when the "first time" for something will occur even when in the driver's seat with an excellent previous driving record.
Hi, my mother had alzheimer’s too but she wouldn’t stop driving and i didn’t want her to kill anyone. We found out DMV has an anonymous turn in a person online. They watched for her to drive then pulled her over and said she needs to go to DMV to clear it up. We took her there and they asked to meet with us in a room and they did a cognitive test to see if she was able to drive. They told us not to help her with the answers and she flunked. needless to say they took the rap for not letting her drive instead of us taking the bad rap. It was a wonderful thing and very nice of them to provide. Hope my experience helps. Dellie
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Hello:
You wrote you can't tell your husband to stop driving, but you actually can. Also, a doctor can tell him that if you don't want to.
Don't wait for a scary near miss (what happened to us); it's just too dangerous. Time for you to take charge and just tell him how it's going to be for safety sake.
Perhaps buy one new car for both of you to use. If you're retired, you probably only need one anyway; less insurance to pay.
Good luck!