A parent with an adult daughter in crisis with depression

@kat4321 Since your daughter says she does not want help there isn’t much anyone else can do. It’s a very difficult and sad situation. Does your son-in-law see a mental health therapist/psychologist? If not, then this would be a good idea as he needs not only his own support but also a therapist can help him to figure out how he wishes to handle his family situation. Presumably, your son-in-law is major caregiver in the household when his wife is ill and in bed. This is a huge strain for him.

Would you like to ask your son-in-law if he is seeing a therapist or would like to see a therapist?

I understand. I have had repeated issues with people not understanding they can harm me. I have ptsd and seizure risk from a craniotomy done over 11 years ago. I hope your daughter comes to understand .

This organization offers support and information.
https://www.nami.org/

If she is not a danger to herself or others, I would recommend that you get in to see a therapist to learn how to take care of yourself in this situation. It is hard to live with someone with mental health issues. It will take a toll on everyone around her. Getting advice from a therapist on the best way to be supportive of her kids, you, her husband and yourself is all you can do. If she get volatile from your suggestions out of care and concern, there is not much you can do about that except take care of yourself. Maybe set some boundaries. Would she agree to see a psychologist or therapist? Have you heard of borderline personality disorder? If not, I would look into it. There is a lot of information out there and your mention of the controlling, obsessive, eating issues, depression, etc., sounds like some of the criteria, although I believe all mental health issues are on a spectrum. Dr. Marsha Lenihan is, herself, a person that has borderline personality disorder and created dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) to treat people like herself. It comes from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is an evidence based treatment for many mental health related issues and honestly, probably everyone needs to know this modality. Anyway, I am posting a link here. You can look other places. YouTube has many videos on these issues you are experiencing with your daughter. Hang in there!!!
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/borderline-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20370237

This is such helpful advise. On all counts. She came downstairs todau. thanked me for being so supportive during this difficult time. She is "almost bakc" to normal. I am just going to move past this fragility before entering into a fuller discussion. She is not volitile at all. Rather she is of a mode of wanting to handle these ephisodes by herself. Hopefully I can move her past this, now that I have witnessed it firsthand at our summer home. She has seen a therapist intermittently, but I am confident she doesn't fully self-reveal. I am less in a panic mode now, but your advice regarding Cognitive therapy ( actually knew Tim Beck) and seeing a therapist myself for guidance is particularly helpful. She won't do inpatient support, but I am looking into some services near her that offer group/personal therapy. I think she feels very alone and scared. Thank you!!!!!

@kat4321 your daughter needs mental health assistance, period. She might just need medication to get her over the humps but CBT (talk therapy) is very powerful stuff. She needs to be made aware that she is harming her loved ones and herself while he could be enjoying a more robust and rewarding life with them instead apart from them. So your grandchildren don’t wind up with their own mental health issues get her help.

My mother was in denial about her BPD when I was a child. We had to live in several different homes and locations. She was an African American single mother with three kids; worked night shift; worked as a nurse; eventually all these things became to her too much and faded away.

I still see her as a mother who tried; however, were neglected for the most part of our lives we lived with our grandparents most weekends and sometimes the weekdays because of her manic periods. Its hard thinking about it now - that's why we never really stayed with her? It was terrible living there. Our garage was a hoarded area as well as her room. Anything we cleaned up would just be made dirty again. Sometimes the police was called for domestic abuse. She even on year left us to go to California to a retreat to get help at this christian retreat and instead I am realizing she made religious accusatory assumptions of us which made an un-healthy spiritual life.
It can very well get there is what I'm trying to explain.

I agreed with the opinion of someone about daily practices such as prayer and trying to keep normal normal which was something I made sure of in my room. I resisted the urge to identify like that. I saw healthy families growing up and was ashamed and embarassed to have people stop by.

It unfortunately TRYS to bleed into my current life. I'm 30 years old and work as a RN in the ED and I get help with talk therapy. I work in my community to help with different organizations. Have travelled solo as nurse across the nation and invite my family and friends wherever I am in my space because I see my self worthy to have clean things and safe spaces with other people (It still is weird but I try to embrace the present moment).

I know that God really was by my side during that crucial and critical time in my life and is still working with me to be able to show others that I happened, but you can also get through it too. My coping strategy I think was brilliant. When I was at least 3-4 years old I used to watch tellitubies; the big red couch and Mr. Rogers I love the idea of going to somewhere else - I would be so inpatient for them to go into another world and eventually I caught on how to do it too. I simply would daydream and had the best Barbie set up scenes a girl could imagine. My sister and I were really good with it. It was more important than listening to whatever was going on in another room with my mom and grandmother arguing. My sister thinks I'm schizo because she caught me once mumbling with my eyes open in the middle of the night at the ceiling (I still do it)- apparently I'm not. I found out from multiple professionals who say its typical for children to protect themselves like this. Now that I'm more so in the community and feeling more comfortable to date for once. I feel as though its lessening.

Now I'm fine telling people this happened. Unfortunately, 2023 my mother passed away from dementia at the age of 56. It was during my college years I noticed more depression that led to psychosis and eventually she lost her mind all together with advance Alzhemiers. I coped with this because earlier in my life my sister and I both woke up in the middle of the night at the same time and I said to her that I had a dream about mom and she said to me "that she died right?" It was a terrible gut feeling even to this day.

This is for everyone who is reading this. It is crucial to take care of your mental health. We are living in 2025. Let me remind you that many people I see who come to the ED for treatment have at least 1-2 mental health issues un-treated (I blame partly if not in full our money-hungry healthcare system). It really starts most commonly with anxiety and depression. You don't have to live like this. You can start with someone you trust and then move to talk-therapy eventually it will lead to psychiatry because you've identified your self-worth and not live in denial. It is traumatizing to be "labeled" BUT your name isn't BPD or no one says "Hi Anxiety!" You should look at it as I'm taking care of me and I feel proud to be heard and seen and be real with this new mindset I'm creating for myself - because if left un-check and un-treated you just never know where - legit your mind can lead you to do....wild things.

This is a complicated situation. I feel your daughter needs some assistance. Suggest to her to get an appointment with her doctor, and you go with her if you can. Have her ask her doctor what he could suggest her doing for her troubles. I am a retired nurse and I would suggest this. Have a good day.

In my healthcare system the hospital has classes you can take for CBT or DBT. I think our public clinics have them too. I know family services does.

These are generally once a week small group educational classes. It might be a good entry point. Some programs you can drop in, some have a commitment of 6, 8, 10, 12 weeks depending on the cluster of folks.
When I went to a program with my daughter she didn't talk the entire time, but we went every week (it was a family program centering on adolescents. She could go to an adult program on her own, or someone could take her and sit in the waiting room to start).
My daughter continued seeking help after her participation and she has definitely improved her ability to self regulate.

There are caveats: our entire family participated in therapy. It didn't make sense for her to come home and reenter a toxic atmosphere that was working against any progress she made (mostly me); she went through several diagnoses and it took years and patience I didn't know existed; and I had to completely abandon my expectations and learn to provide what she actually needed.

And by any measure my community called me an exceptional mother before and during the onset of her illness.

I used a similar coping mechanism as a child as you did! It gave me a vivid imagination, but I was still seriously impacted by my mom’s mental illness. I don’t know all the ways it changed me as a person, but I deserved a better situation.