Hello Lisa: I am doing better now, thank you. But during those weeks I was convinced that I had to end my life, and soon. Nothing has changed really. Thinking about that period makes me shudder. I catch myself before I let thoughts drift to what might happen. I still hope that life doesn't take me much beyond where I am. At 75, I see the slow deterioration. I welcome death, but selfishly hope it comes quietly. My fear is that I may live much longer and with no support system it likely would be disastrous.

@chsharpei, thank you for telling the group a bit more about yourself, especially with a difficult subject like mental health and suicidal thoughts. Every person is so different and gets value from different sources, but I have seen firsthand in this community that posts like yours, that take courage, are beneficial to the larger group and community and have value. You have found the right group to share your concerns and fears with, I hope you keep talking with the group.

@chsharpei Hi Ch, I think we all hope that when death comes it does come quietly and quickly. I thank God that my transplant has renewed my life, it's been a year this month, but when I was really getting sick at the end and my blood counts went so low I was told I could have a cardiac arrest, I felt very calm about it. If it happened, then so be it. The local hospital did not want to handle it so I was sent by ambulance to Boston to my transplant center. A number of blood transfusions later I was discharged.
JK

JK @contentandwell . I hope you enjoy many more years. I know how at peace we can be when the possibility of death is real. I have peaceful assurance that I'll be stepping from this life into a much better one in Heaven, singing with angels without becoming hoarse from too much singing. And NO MORE PAIN!! Even on my most stressful days, I can remember what's ahead for me and for everyone who places their trust in God. I'm totally looking forward to Christ's return.

I'm so glad you were able to be at peace when you were waiting for the transplant. Can you tell us what brought you that peace, and is it always with you?

Jim

Hi, CH @chsharpei . I understand wanting to end the suffering, as I went through an extended period of time when I wanted to end my life. I did make a number of attempts, but each time, to my frustration, when I woke up, I was still here on earth. I was angry that I couldn't even do that right.

I've been in a much safer place over the past few years, though, as I tell my therapist, I still have the suicidal thoughts.

Most of us don't want to go through a long, painful period of suffering during our last months or years of our lives. Dying peacefully in our sleep and waking up in Heaven is much more desirable.

Do you have knowledge that your health will decline to a disastrous level? Can you picture in your mind what a peaceful process it could be? Sometimes our fears control the outcome. I hope you can set aside those fears, even temporarily, and project a positive future for yourself.

Jim

@jimhd I am pretty much at peace with the prospect of dying. I am very happy to have been given more time to spend with my son and daughter though, and I know when the time comes for either me or my husband that it will be very hard for them, particularly my son. He is a very feeling guy and very conscious of the fact that we are not young so he tries to be very there for us, as much as he can be since he lives across the country in CA. I love that he invited us to spend vacation with him in October, in Hawaii. It's a real splurge but we have not had any vacation in three years so when he suggested it I said YES. I am dreading the flights though. First across the country to CA and then from there to Hawaii. UGH
I think peace comes from believing in an afterlife, and for me part of that is being reunited with loved ones who have already passed away. I envision them welcoming me to my afterlife.
JK

I am 61 and dreading the day my father passes. My mother went three years ago and it started me on a downward spiral knowing my father would be the last one left of parenting. I have always had abondonment issues and the anxiety in the past three years is atrocious. I am trying to work through this but I feel pressure that I have to make peace with him before he goes. He lives right next door to me and it isn't like we don't get along but he was very controlling and I have some anger to deal with. I do believe that there is a beautiful place my mother is because she has shown her presence to me.

@mlbaier Many of us also have issues that we cannot get beyond but we have to try to, we are only punishing ourselves when we don't. My husband is extremely controlling but both of our children love him and very obviously forget just how controlling he was or choose to move beyond that. Frankly for me it's a bit more difficult because I have lived with it for so long and it has really effected my life.
Please do try to put your anger aside. I try to but sometimes I am not successful at it.
JK

Hi, JK @contentandwell

Our kids are, and will always be, a great blessing to us and a source of joy. I enjoy traveling. I think the worst part of flying is going through the process of checking in, waiting and loading. Once we're cruising, I enjoy the view, and landing is interesting, seeing the city from Google Earth's vantage point.

And it's surely faster than driving. Especially to Hawaii.

Jim

@jimhd I get very nudgy up there sitting for so long. I rarely can read or watch a movie due to that, but I can sleep, which I do. The night before I can never sleep either so I need the sleep.
JK