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Something called heart failure

Heart & Blood Health | Last Active: Jun 15 7:58am | Replies (12)

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@majeedmerzah

My fear is not of death, perhaps death will be a salvation. My fear is that I will die before seeing my family, my mother whom I have not seen for 11 years, my father and my brothers. My fear is of sadness that might break my mother’s heart and cause grief to my family. I have never remembered a day that I have hurt or caused any harm to a person, so I do not want to make sad the people who are dearest to my heart. I know that this is life, there is no such thing as eternity, but the fear remains a fear of the unknown.

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Replies to "My fear is not of death, perhaps death will be a salvation. My fear is that..."

Hi,
I put my needs before anyone else as they don't have a death sentance hanging over their heads in the way I do. I'm fortunate having succomed and been revived before. It has given me an insight as to what maybe ahead for me. I understand the fear of not knowing all to well. I have fought for 13 years to find out what was wrong with me, knowing the answer negated some the fear for me.
So I'm going to die, aren't we all!
Fear drove me to the brink several times until I woke up to the realisation this is my life, please myself not everyone else. That does not mean I don't care what I'm doing and how it can impact others around me, but in order for me to exist I do what I need to do. If I don't then I succome and those about me will feel the pain regardless. I can't win either way so I don't try too much.
Would anyone else wish for me to suffer to accomodate them and not upset them, I don't think so, I hope not!
I push my health and body beyond what is reasonable, I can't stop, I have to to keep my sanity. I'm comfortable with what I have to do and where I'm at, being as comfortable as possible is my only requirement, those around me that understand, support me, other I tend not to associate with much.
It is about me for me not me for them.
I have a medical team ready to support me when I need help but knowing I'm incurable and untreatable has given me a new lease on life, I don't have to fear the unknown because it is now known, time is the only issue unresolved and that will resolve itself in time.
I'm challenging my body everyday, thrashing it physically to find the limit. I'm not sure if I do this hopeful of death or to prove in some way I'm not at deaths door. For whatever reason it certainly has a kick back, but yet I persist. For some unknown reason I seem powerless to stop doing it, possibly because I feel great in the moment until the pain and some suffering kicks in. That's how I cope and it is likely doing me no good medically but emotionally it does wonders for me.
Take care.
Cheers