@anxiousaphrodite I just read your Post and wanted to offer you encouragement. Eventually, you may establish a new relationship with your father. My story is similar but yours has a component that reminds me of my mother. Her father died when she was nine years old and she also was not allowed to talk about it. She is still alive and soon turns 95 years old. Recently she shared with me about the death of her father and opened up to me and it was humbling to hear. I felt so bad for her and in the way het mother handled in an era where grief and pain was not to be talked about. When she shared her story with me, I cried. For now, it’s OK for you to grieve alone, but know, that may be someday you may hear father’s story. I wish you peace as you love those around you, as doing so will help you to heal.