Son estranged due to controlling spouse

Sorry but you clearly do not understand. You are making the very wrong assumption that if your son cuts his parents out of his life that it is normal healthy and somehow the parents fault for not giving them enough freedom or respect . Perhaps you do not have children, any parent who had a healthy relationship with their child and then had that change would see how it makes no sense. We were never overbearing and never gave our opinion about anything only ever wished him well. I miss my son dearly, but i am done begging him to be part of his life. All relationships are a two way street, doesnt work when only one person cares.

My husband and i have experience the same thing. We were always a very close family and then everything ch aged when my son got married. I treated his wife like a daughter and still to this day we have no idea why she turned on us. If someone told me 3 years ago that my son would cut us out of his life and treat us the way he has we never would have believed it. I have sought counseling and continue to pray. Is it this generation? It seems to be common now. Did we raise selfish ungrateful and disrespectful children ? All I know is it is horribly painful and difficult to accept and understand.

@chirco3 Sometimes cutting a controlling mother out of the picture because she won’t step back is healthy.

It’s a question of whether that applies here.

From what words have been said here about the son’s wife and her place as 1st in the son’s life, I’d say mother in law would be wise to have a good look at her own behaviour and her part in the estrangement and how she can help build bridges.

I mean to be helpful if mother in law truly wants a good relationship with her son and grandchildren.

My older brother allowed same thing. Our parents are gone but he never visited them even when they were dying. His bratty adult children didnt either. My brother and wife cut me out completely as I am a gay man. I set all up with nursing care for our parents as well as Hospice. He never asked how did this work? Who paid etc. I have no contact with them and like it this way.

Never said she shouldn’t be first. But any wife who tells their husband they must chose between their parents and her doesn’t love him, I love my son and would never ask him to make such a decision. If she doesn’t like us and cannot give either my husband or I a reason then there is nothing more we can do. However if my son loved us he would at pick up the phone to say hello or happy birthday rather then ignore us and pretend we don’t exist. My husband and I have both said on numerous occasions how we wanted nothing more then to be part of his life, but he still,ignores us because she won’t let him speak to us.now if you still think that is healthy and we are wrong then you need to hope and pray that no one does this to you. My oldest son has also been cut out of his brother’s life.

@chirco3 The mother in law here is not taking any responsibility for her part in making the son choose. Until she does that she’ll remain estranged.

My sister’s now mother in law was a real problem when my sister and her now husband got engaged. The mother was truly awful and said terrible things about my sister. She didn’t want her son to marry my sister because she couldn’t control my sister.

My brother in law told his mum to pull her head in or she’d need to stay away and miss out on grandchildren. His mother behaved much better. No doubt my brother in law in private also helped my sister to relax and come off the defensive. Mother in law and my sister grew to have a mutually loving and respectful relationship - but the mom still at times needed to be reminded where the boundaries were!!

Mother in law here needs to have a good look at her own behaviour. See if she can make changes to build bridges. Or accept the estrangement and move on.

Maybe daughter's in law should be more respectful no? Maybe one day an in law will so same to her.

I am in the same boat with all of you. I was denied attending my granddaughter's wedding because "I was not welcome." They may as well have stabbed me in the heart. When they came for my husband's funeral, they kept well away from me. I was told by my son that his wife considered me too judgemental and she was not going to stand for it anymore. I sent them a long email and acknowledged that I may have (unknowingly) have hurt people, and if so, I took the responsibility for it, owned it and apologized. I expressed a desire to keep open the relationship. But none of this worked. So I did the only thing I could. I consulted with my attorney, changed my trust and cut them out as they cut me out. For certain actions there are consequences. A few years have now gone by and there is nothing. I informed my new trustee that she had no obligation to inform them of my death when that happens.