Welcome, @ksandusky86. I’m just blown away with the callousness of your oncologist with regards to your diagnosis of CLL. Talk about hanging a 50 pound sack of despair around your neck with a comment like that! No wonder you’re feeling weighed down with negativity.

First thing I’d suggest is finding another oncologist. We don’t have to be BFFs with our doctor but having one with a defeatist attitude is a real downer! From my understanding, CLL statistically remains one of the more treatable forms of leukemia. It’s often very slow to develop and for many patients, treatment can be delayed for years. The newer treatments available now are highly successful in helping to keep the condition under control. Telling you that you’re going to die from CLL, in my opinion, was inappropriate. Obviously life holds no guarantees and none of us can avoid ‘pushing up daisies from the underside’ at some point. But that comment just seems heavy handed. Words have consequences and this obviously impacted you for 10 years already.
So now it’s time for new words. Live your life! You’ve had 10 years of worrying about something that hasn’t happened. At 39, you could have another 50+ years ahead of you to enjoy your family, friends, hobbies and activities that bring meaning to your days. Work with the premise that “if something happens, then I’ll deal with it”. It’s so much healthier than living with worry and fear.

“Fear does not stop death. It stops life
And worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles.
It takes away today’s peace.”

You haven’t mentioned if you are currently in treatment? What has your oncologist discussed with you? Are you in active surveillance?