This touched me--thank you @rtw. My first husband died after surgery when he was 36. That was thirty years ago. His death did help me prepare for mine--he was a cheerful curious person, stoic about pain, and generally unworried. I did wish he'd talked more about how he felt--and asked me too. So I've been very direct with my second husband on the subjects of illness and death. I continue to learn from my first husband through memory, journaling, and being with our now grown daughter. Am thinking of you.