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Dying Well
Does anyone know of a group, anywhere, who can support each other while dying in love and grace? I do not fear dying, for a number of reasons. It will come soon, and I hope I can welcome it, I've worked hard to get to this point. But this is the first time in my eight decades that I feel lonely. I would love to share feelings, experiences, etc. with other like minded folks, but no one in my periphery shares my joy at looking forward to the transition. Family would be horrified, friends terrified. I cannot discuss this with my therapist, he is terrified himself and would be sure I am depressed and possibly suicidal. I am not. I am not anxious to die, I love my life. I used to wonder why God kept me around so long, as everyone around me, even those younger, are passing. I'm thinking it might be the grand gift of the 'Golden Years', 'cuz I am loving these days! I am not anti aging, but have no interest in attempting to retain my youth or live forever. My attitude is "I'm ready whenever He is". Not a religious person, but one of great faith and spirituality. I've spent hours scrolling around to see if there is any entity, group or person who shares my feelings. All I find is stuff to support fear of death, and how to get over it. I'm over it, and have been for some time. I'm trying to age with love and gratitude, and meet the transition the same way. I live each day as joyfully as I can. I'm just kinda bummed that I have no one to share this joy with, who feels as I do. Life has taught me that shared experiences have such great value, but maybe not this? Maybe Mayo should consider a "Dying Well" support group. I can't believe I'm the only person out there. But if I tried to start one, OMG! Friends and family would plotz! I think I'm just tired of having to keep my feelings to myself. It's a long journey, and a great one, and I'd love to share with others like me, learn from each other, help each other along. Thanks to any who read this, and suggestions are welcome but don't be a wiseass.
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HappyKC
I have read what you said and admire your outlook! I hope you find the connections you seek. I pray that I can face the future in such a positive way like you have. Don
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13 Reactions@happykc Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. Your journey and words touch me deeply, let me tell you!
Just as there are midwives or doulas for birth, there are those who help in the transition at end of life. Here is a wonderful organization for you to look into: https://inelda.org/about-doulas/what-is-a-doula/ While they may offer one-on-one assistance, there may be someone who offers group settings, or can guide you in that direction.
Each person has their own path, their own individual way of looking at life, and ultimately, transition from life. Belief systems, family, cultural background, can all play a part. In my own personal opinion, we owe it to ourselves to honor what is important to us. And sometimes, having like-minded people around us makes it all so much clearer and more meaningful.
Ginger
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26 Reactions@happykc Here is a link to a group that you might find information from: https://thepeacefulpresenceproject.org/about-us
Ginger
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17 ReactionsHi Happykc,
I agree with you. I'm 78 and look forward to dying and going to Heaven to be with all my loved ones especially my husband who died last July. Besides my husband dying, so did my good friend and even the neighbor's cat who liked me and all about the same time. A few months apart. Many times I asked God, "Why did I get left behind?"
But here I am. You are right that whenever God wants you to die, you will. I have gotten used to being alone and even somewhat enjoy my life. The wonderful people on the Mayo Connect helped to make that possible. They were so supportive. Plus I have a lot to do since many things got put aside when I was taking care of my husband with lung cancer. Being busy helps with the loneliness. I miss my husband terribly but knowing we'll be together eventually helps a lot. Prayer helps also. I pray a lot and get a lot of prayers answered.
That's too bad that your family can't understand your attitude about dying. Who wouldn't want to get out of this world with all the horrible things happening in it these days? It's certainly not like it used to be. However, you still can find nice places and people who are decent and good. You just have to look harder.
I'll say a prayer that you find what you are looking for.
PML
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19 ReactionsI appreciate your post and attitude. Years ago I met the Quaker writer Peggy Pond Church who said "I am not at war with life and so am not at war with death." This has become a guiding light for me. I'm not very religious in a formal sense, but the Judaism I practice has little to say about an afterlife and everything to encourage an ethical life. Buddhist meditation (50 years!) has let me appreciate my life in all its changing details. However, I share your experience that most people don't have the same attitude. I've been encouraged to "fight" my cancer emotionally, and essentially to focus on struggle and not acceptance. So thank you for your post. And I am very interested in the resources and continuing conversation.
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19 ReactionsI feel very much the same. Life is an adventure and all adventures must end. I don’t want to be incapacitated and I have lived a long time and appreciate all I have been given. That said, dying is also a part of life and not to be feared in my estimation. We all die eventually, it is natural. Not wanting to leave but satisfied with my journey and thankful whenever my time comes.
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19 ReactionsGreat post! I agree that a lot of people can’t handle a conversation about death without thinking that the person who brings it up is suicidal. It’s tough being alone with these thoughts and it’s good to have someone listen and give you a thoughtful feedback without freaking out.
9 years ago I was diagnosed with leukemia and came very close to dying. I didn’t want to burden my family with my thoughts about needing to prepare for death. They were all trying to boost my spirits and have me think positive thoughts. I agreed with them that it was important to have hope, but it’s also important to think deeply about preparing to die.
My faith in God gave me confidence about what will happen after I died, but the actual dying process was something I struggled with. It can be a lonely journey even though we can be surrounded by people.
If you have a trusted minister to speak with, that may be a good person to turn to with your thoughts about dying.
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19 Reactions@happykc
I love your attitude about life and death. God does not want us to fear death and He wants us to live purposeful lives filled with hope and love.
I am in my 50s and a single parent of a teen son. I have no family but Mayo Clinic Connect feels like a virtual family/friend support group for which I am thankful.
I do not fear death and I am already thinking of how to prepare (I am a planner but know it is all in God’s timing). My young son depends on me as his sole provider so caring for him and preparing him for adulthood is my main priority and keeps me busy. I have many health issues and I am getting more disabled as time goes on. Each day, I ask God to help me be productive and do my best with His strength. I am accepting my new normal and getting more at peace with aging and with whatever lies ahead. In the future, I may look into being a doula for hospice to help those in transition and their families/friends.
1. https://scripturesavvy.com/bible-verses-about-not-fearing-death/
2. https://www.facebook.com/groups/724739109155040/
3. https://biblestudyforyou.com/bible-verses-about-not-being-afraid-of-death/
4. https://christianitypath.com/bible-verses-about-not-fearing/
5. https://www.upworthy.com/thousands-of-people-explained-why-they-re-not-afraid-of-dying-here-are-the-top-reasons
6. http://www.artofdyingwell.org/what-is-dying-well/planning-a-good-death/acceptance-and-looking-ahead/
7. https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/49195/how-to-accept-the-aging-process-12-tips-that-actually-bring-you-peace/
8. https://matchlesslife.com/encouraging-words-when-someone-is-dying/
9. https://www.reddit.com/r/questions/comments/m89ixt/is_anyone_else_looking_forward_to_death/
10. https://www.joincake.com/blog/how-to-accept-death/
11. https://guideposts.org/positive-living/health-and-wellness/life-advice/coping-with-grief/the-journey-to-heaven/
12. https://theconversation.com/why-contemplating-death-can-help-you-live-a-happier-life-146504
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6 ReactionsHere are some links to learn more about being a death doula for those who may be interested in helping others face death with peace.
1. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/death-doula
2. https://inelda.org/
3. https://www.webmd.com/palliative-care/features/end-of-life-death-doulas
4. https://www.nedalliance.org/
5. https://inelda.org/about-doulas/what-is-a-doula/
6. https://www.doulagivers.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/Death-Doula-Guide.pdf
7. https://www.forbes.com/health/healthy-aging/death-doula/
8. https://deathdoulas.com/faqs/
9. https://www.eterneva.com/resources/what-is-a-death-doula
10. https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-is-a-death-doula-1132512
11. https://goingwithgrace.com/
12. https://www.joincake.com/blog/how-to-become-a-death-doula/
13. https://www.healthline.com/health/alzheimers/comparison-guide-death-doula-vs-hospice
14. https://doulacenters.com/death-doula/
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3 ReactionsHi thank you for sharing this with us.
My dad just died 3 weeks ago he was nearly 89. He i believe had the same view on dying as you are sharing.
Post here if you want. I'll listen
Denise
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7 Reactions