Hi,
I don't or choose not to remember what life was like before this insidious disease decided it liked me to much. I tend to live by what I have and don't look at it as if only, because it can't be ever again. This is the new me I acknowledge the limitations and deal with them anyway I can. Yes there are times when I could easily end it all, but that is giving up, something I don't do without a very good reason. I'm able to accomplish tasks I shouldn't be able to do because I see them as needing to be done and I'm the mug that will do them, no matter the consequences. I focus on the end game, what happens to me until then doesn't matter, I bloody minded and very strong willed. It is likely what has kept me alive fighting any which way I can for another productive day ahead. I found work and working hard is my respite from the this disease, pushing through the symptoms forcing them into the background while I'm busy. I find the best way to deal with the pain is to deflect it focusing on the pain I'm intentionally causing focusing my mind on what I'm doing and why. This pain is the result of what I'm doing and it can be stopped at any time I wish, knowing this allows me to thrash the body accepting doing so is going to hurt but I can recover from it. When I stop the regular pain resumes business as usual, but I have had some hours doing what I must in a sort of enjoyable way able to mask the symptoms of my diseases for periods of time each day. I guess years of working this way lets me accept the consequences of what I do without consideration of the protest the body will respond with and it usually does, to let me know I've been foolish yet again!
As with my Grandfather before me, when we get a cold we are dying, when we are seriously injured, we are OK, what is the fuss.
Cheers