I never felt "normal" either. I was sent to a Southern Baptist (crazy fundamental, girls wear dresses and boys had to have their hair cut above their ears, drinkers went to hell...you get the point) and when I hit 12 years old and started at a public school, I went to the wild side, total rebellion, anger at the world, drinking and smoking. My first metal concert was Iron Maiden at barely 14 years old. Do not remember much except puking and lying in the floor of the bathroom at the venue. I was the black sheep in my family, ended up in a psych ward and then inpatient treatment at 14. Hated my parents for it but it eventually ended up saving my life 35 years later. I have been in treatment 4 times throughout my life. For the first time I was the healthiest I have ever been, running, working two jobs and it was good. Then I got sick, unable to work, SSDI turned me down. I have been living off student loans and I will be in terrible debt when I graduate Summer of 2026. At 54 years old, I can let myself freak the hell out about if I will be able to physically work (hoping for a remote opportunity). I have no children and I worry about being alone as well. When I start to freak the hell out about all that, I have to make myself remember that I "now" is it. My concept of a Higher Power is the Universe itself. All a Higher Power has to be is something greater than I am. I am not the center of the Universe. The Universe is a power greater than me. I want to tell you not to blame yourself. You are doing the best you can right now. I understand regret. I wasted 30+ years of my life drunk and using drugs. My memory is crap, but I am doing what I can, today, because I also do not know what my future looks like. I do know, however, that if I stay sober I have a chance. If I don't I will end up dead. I may die in my sleep tonight, I do not know but I am ok right now. Hang in there.