What to say to the family member who takes on most of the caregiving?

Thank you
Thank you

For me, it would be nice if someone said, I want to help you with some tasks. I’m taking half a day next weekend if that works for you. I’ll come by and help you with large projects, haul off recycling or donate items, discarded appliances, electronics, etc.

And, for family members who haven’t done much, say, I’m coming to stay with the seniors for 48 hours to give you a break. So, take a trip out of town, stay with friends, etc. You can get away and take a break, since you’ve been on duty 24/7 for 2 months.

I would ask if I could be with them or their loved one so they can get a nap, go out or an errand. Acknowledge them and let them know they can call anytime or text. I will do my very best to listen or help if needed.

My sister, living 500 miles away, wasn't able to be there for the everyday tasks but constantly "lifted" me up. She let me vent and because she wasn't there could see things in a different light. She shared thoughts and ideas which helped so much! Also, when mom and dad were in the hospital, she would call the night nurse in ICU to get lots more information. The nurses during those wee hours had more time to talk with her and explain things that she could share with me later. What a help! And, she kept a diary of what went on, who she talked with, medications and more. Sometimes, we needed to go back a few years in her diary to recall and event, a test, drug interaction, etc. I was so blessed to have her help me from 500 miles away!

You seem angry that someone is being a caregiver for a loved one and seems to be excluding you. I am sorry to hear this. In my experiences as an ICU and ER nurse and a caregiver for both of my parents at the end of their lives, I have found that most people have good intentions when caring for a loved one. Of course there are exceptions. Some just want to be noticed and thanked for all they are doing. This would be very frustrating and upsetting. Can you have a discussion with this person? Open communication is so important, especially at stressful times like this. Can you explain to them how much it would mean to you to have a role in your family members care? If you feel the care they are getting is not what it should be, do not hesitate to contact their primary care provider, social worker or hospice nurse (if available) immediately. You need to be their advocate because they are probably not capable of doing this. Don’t let them rob you of the what could well be one of the last times that you will see your loved one. I hope things work out for you. I feel your hurt, anger and sadness.

Thank you so much for actually reading and providing pinpoint insight. Unfortunately my father passed away so it is just too late. The family was broken long before this so no big deal- but it might help those who are so “overwhelmed” to realize they may be pushing people away. But notice none of them cared to empathize with anyone who did not praise, worship and feel sorry for them.

How can I help?