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What to say to the family member who takes on most of the caregiving?
Caregivers | Last Active: May 26 2:10am | Replies (17)Comment receiving replies
I am the only caregiver (in my husband and I’s home), for my 93 year old father. Until three weeks ago, I had a sibling who lived out of state (tragically, he died unexpectedly). My brother offered amazing support. Although he was not present to do the “heavy lifting” of daily care, doctor/med care coordination and follow through, etc etc etc!—he called dad every single day and chatted for almost an hour. He would call at pretty much the same time every day, giving dad something enjoyable to expect and social connection daily. If there was something that I needed dad to cooperate with but didn’t know how to approach it, or he was resistant, my brother had a great way of encouraging cooperation. He did so much even though he was not physically present! When “big things” were happening (hospitalizations, etc), he would say “sorry you have to do this alone”. That made me feel thought of and appreciated.
He also was a safe place to vent any feelings/frustrations I had in this caregiving role. I was able to tell him things that I would be uncomfortable telling friends—feeling like I was violating my dad’s privacy, etc. Because he was so close to dad, he could offer perspective that no one else could. I will really miss him!
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I will also add to my previous comment:
Communication between my out-of-state brother and I was so key. Mutual respect a necessity. He had health issues himself, precluding travel. But I would keep him apprised of dad’s major health issues, doctor opinions, scan results, etc. Dad knew that I kept my brother up on the major things. I invited him to FaceTime big appointments, which he declined to do for a variety of reasonable reasons. But because he was removed from the moment to moment daily of life, he offered a place to dad where he could be “his old self”. Since my brother was not physically here to see the indignities of age decline, I know my dad felt like he could relate to him (and my brother could still “see” him) as his younger self. I know my brother would ask him how to do things that he (my brother) probably already knew how to take care of. But that gave my dad a sense of purpose and usefulness.
But when dad wanted a rolater to use instead of his walker, my brother respectfully asked why I was opposed to it, privately (and with the knowledge that he wasn’t here to see everything). He understood when I explained that it would be a danger for dad given his current mobility challenges (and this confirmed by the PT—not just me being too protective/controlling). Things like that come up and if everyone can come from a place of wanting the best for the care recipient, and there is mutual respect, everyone can be so helpful even if they play different roles in the care…..