That must be very difficult to deal with. You say that he has dementia. And secondary progressive ? I’m not familiar with that. Is that MS, Parkinson’s, aphasia?

It’s my understanding, based on my reading and experience, that with dementia, a person is not likely able to process and retain information. So, hearing the truth about something that upsets him may likely be of no benefit. If he can’t process or remember it, he would just get the upsetting news over and over anew.

When my cousin was in Memory Care, I told her she would go home as soon as she got her health back and doctors approved it. That kept her pretty content. Eventually, she forgot she wasn’t at her home. My experience was that keeping her happy in the moment was what worked best. Trying to get her to accept the truth of the situation was just not realistic, because she wasn’t capable. And, even if she did, she would forget, so we’d have had to go through the ordeal of her getting upset with the bad news over and over.

I’m not sure why getting hopes up is bad. For someone who reasons and has memory, I agree, but for those with dementia, it’s a different reality in their mind. Everyone is different, so you should use your own judgment about what is best.

It took me a while to realize that people who have dementia may not be able to be happy and content. They are often confused, angry and demanding. It’s not their fault nor ours. It’s damage to the brain and the regulation of emotions may be impaired. But, their upset is likely temporary, An hour later things may be completely different.

I tried to focus on keeping her in a safe and caring environment with support and love. I knew that was the right thing and that was good enough for me.

Do what you feel is right. That’s good enough.