Son estranged due to controlling spouse

🥺😢 ❤️

@pjane53 I’m sorry this has happened to you. My sister cut me out of her life some years ago. None of her children shares her politics/values, but 2 of her children have nevertheless done the same while the other 2 remain close to me. Those 2 children and I are very close. We NEVER discuss my issues with their mum and I never bad mouth their mum. Sometimes they will bad mouth their mum to me but I never join in and try to genuinely help them find solutions to their issues constructively through knowing their mum so well.

I am not invited to any family gatherings. My sister and I still co operate civilly by text or email over my father’s heath and well being. I have only been in the same room as her twice in about 10 years. Once by mistake at my father’s house and the other more recently when one of her daughters insisted I was included in her engagement cocktail party. We all behaved well.

Your son has made choices. They are HIS choices - whatever motivates them. You can’t ignore them, let alone force him to look at things your way and do things the way you want him to do.

The lesson I learnt from my circumstances with my sister is to move forward. It is what it is. Don’t get mired in anger and hurt and all sorts of unhealthy negative emotions. Make clear the door is always open at any time, but that you respect their wishes.

Enjoy your other child. Don’t discuss or bad mouth to him about your older son and his wife as that will ruin that relationship.

Don’t get enmeshed in what used to be. Get therapy to release the hurt and anger. Move forward, with love ♥️🙏

@pjane53 I’m so very glad to hear that news update. I’ve posted more fully elsewhere. This loving card is a great base for you to build a new relationship - respecting his boundaries and respecting his wife ♥️♥️♥️

I have a different perspective. My mother cut me out of her life -- completely -- after I got married.

There was trouble brewing from when I first announced my engagement. The first words from my mother's mouth were, "Well, I guess I have no objection."
I didn't know what to say. I was 38 years old! I wasn't asking for her permission.

It was all downhill from there. She was the mouse in the punchbowl at my wedding, snubbing my wife's family. (My mother considered them immigrant peasants.)

My Dad was my Best Man and he tried to keep the peace; he thought I picked a great girl to marry. But he passed away 2 years after I got married, and mom's knife came out. (At Dad's funeral, my mother would not even acknowledge my wife's family's presence, about as low-class an action as I've ever observed. I was appalled.)

My mother visited a couple months later and treated my wife abominably. I wouldn't have it. I won't allow anyone to disrespect my wife -- a wonderful girl -- especially in our own home. We had a monstrous fight.

Long story short: my mother left and never spoke to me again. (She died 15 years later.) Naturally, I was disinherited, too.

But it was her loss. Instead of being happy for us, she forced a confrontation that she was sure to lose.

Episodes 25 and 27 of my YouTube channel are about having a happy marriage. Key point of advice for husbands is to decide whom you're going to keep happy: your wife or your mother, because you can't do both.
If you can't choose your wife, stay single.
https://www.youtube.com/@srlucado/videos

@scottrl Very true. In the days when my sister and I were best friends she phoned me at work to duck out and meet her. She was extremely upset.

When I met her she told me she had decided to call off her engagement as her fiancé’s mum was controlling, didn’t like her and wouldn’t make room in her son’s life for a wife and all that a wife entails.

Her fiancé was trying to placate his mum. Which pleased no one.

I told my sister I thought she should give her fiancé a chance for him to unequivocally choose her over his mother. He did - he made it very clear to his mother that if she made him chose between her and my sister then his mother would lose.

My sister and her husband have been married for over 30 years now. His mother passed a few years ago but she and my sister formed a very strong relationship (it didn’t happen overnight!!!) and his mother retained a caring strong bond with my brother in law. She had 2 people to love and to love her. The 4 grandchildren also loved their grandmother.

My brother in law drew strong boundaries, and everyone worked with them.

Win win.

Thank you for that!
The part that is so difficult is that there HAS TO BE a period of mourning the loss of a child! I thank G-d he is still living and thriving and I am heartbroken at the same time. I am moving thru it, and I appreciate your insight

@ikas You are so right. Grief for the loss, after the hurt and anger, is a big emotion. I tried to add that in specifically but it was too late to edit.

The grief won’t go away but does become more manageable. In my case the loss of my sister has turned from grief to occasional nostalgia over the years. I’ll be doing something and miss not sharing it with her. We used to have such a great laugh together.

At the same time my sister over the years has become more embedded in her beliefs which causes her tensions with all 4 of her kids who adore her, and has also lost her several long term friends.

So there’s also a degree of lightness in my spirit in not being around that drama.

Sending hugs and best wishes as you navigate your loss and grief 🙏♥️❤️‍🩹

PS We have reached a place where we do text well wishes to each other on special occasions such as our birthdays and Christmas.

Upon reading your story, the familiar adage, "There's always two sides to a story," comes to mind, as we are only presented with your perspective therefore necessitating inference must be applied.

With that said, it appears that due to your desire to maintain a close relationship with your son after his marriage, you still seek to be considered his top priority.

"Marriage represents a profound union between two individuals and God, marking the beginning of a lifelong journey of love, growth, and self-discovery. Matthew 19:5-6. Regrettably, parents may not be included in every aspect of there journey for various reasons.

It also, can be surmise that In your eagerness to rekindle what was with your son, you may have advertently and inadvertently conveyed and displayed negative sentiments towards your daughter-in-law, referred to as your son's wife, and her family, which potentially have contributed to your son's decision to maintain his distance.

As a result, you are confronting a substantial amount of rejection, alienation, and stress necessitating personal counseling and potentially medication to alleviate anxiety stemming from family drama.

You may not want to hear this, but it's time to stop living in la-la land over past closeness with your son, who currently thinks you're so toxic he is forbidding you to see your grandchild.

It is time to celebrate your daughter who provides a daily listening ear for your frustrations. She deserves a comparably loving relationship to the one you aspire to have with your son. The unspoken favoritism she witnesses and hears you exhibit towards her brother may be causing her similar emotional distress and rejection that you are currently experiencing.

You're so fixated on him not prioritizing you as his number one family fan that you're unable to live your best life, and that's truly unfortunate because life is too short to be seeking validation when you can focus on self-love and making the most of your life's final season. Happiness is a conscious choice, so it's time to make a decision and leave the drama behind.

So is this estrangement because due to a controlling spouse or a wishful thinking controlling mom?

I hear what you are saying and I could not agree with you LESS! I don’t think you are referring to my situation b/c you mentioned a daughter, which I do not have. I have always kept a respectful distance from my son’s social and personal life even before he got married and then even more so after he was married. I have no interest in that. In fact, before this happened I had only seen my son once the entire previous summer, which was fine. What you said is simply a huge assumption on your part AND it is unfair. We are the moms who are on this site reaching out for support and not one mom, sister, etc has given the impression that they/we are ‘over doing’ the love of our kids. We are sad and hurting. Also, there are grandkids who we cannot even see! I believe emotional support is what is warranted here, not blame. You ARE RIGHT, though, that a parent should make sure they are hoping for a reasonable amount of contact not an ‘over the top’ closeness. ✌🏾✌🏼✌🏽

I hope you can put a support group together b/c I would take advantage of that!!!
A couple of days ago my son and his baby were with my ex husband, his mom, and my other son and he would not let me join them. I was heartbroken and crushed! That’s my family 😢