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I'm Starting to Resent My Mum for Being My Only Reason to Live
I am completely exhausted with life. The more the days go, the more I find life more and more unbearable. I don't find any pleasure in life. I think I have anhedonia. But it's not easy to tell whether that is the case, or if I may have other mental health issues, because where I live, there's a lot of stigma around this topic. Plus, I don't have ready access to funds for a diagnosis/treatment/therapy.
Some days I don't want to work. I just want to sleep all day long. In others I don't even like watching. I just want to stay there and stare into the distance with my thoughts. I'm searching online for the least painful ways to die, the most obscure places where I can die and no one will know or find me, how to stage a suicide as accidental/hard to distinguish from a murder, etc. I've even been hoping to get malaria and ditch the meds... It's been a struggle that's been going on for over 7 years now.
The one thing that still achors me is my mother. She's close to retirement (around six years left) and has spent most of her savings taking care of me as a single parent. Although I started fully supporting myself from my second year in college, she still didn't save anything as she bought and started developing her home (she has been renting her entire life). She's so full of life, and wants to live for +46 more years.
I love her dearly. She might be the only person I truly care for to be honest. But, I feel like I have a debt to pay. And if I end it, she won't have anyone else (I am an only child).
I want to make a lot and save up. That way, I can offer her enough to take care of her for the rest of her life. Then I can be free to go to a quiet little place where no one can find me and die.
Securing jobs for what I trained for hasn't been easy. I don't even make enough to pay for my overseas air fees (the bare minimum asked for a scholarship offer I was really interested in). I'm losing all hope except one that I'll wake up one day and find I am awake no more.
I just want to know whether anyone's been fighting to stay alive for one person. And how to keep going when you feel like your energy reserves are depleted.
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I’m very sorry for you and the pain you’re going through, it’s so sad to hear you talk about death being your only option. I know that you love your mother very much and she’s your anchor in life, I don’t think you want to hurt her by taking your life, it’s a terrible legacy you leave her with and being her only child, you are probably her biggest blessing in life and it would destroy her life if she lost you this way, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I feel that you’re very depressed and desperate for help but finding the right help is never easy for anyone, please don’t give up on yourself, try to be strong and keep looking for the right help you need so desperately, I feel hopeful for you that you’re here expressing your feelings because it tells me you’re not ready to give up on yourself.
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4 Reactions@wannascreamintospace, I urge you to seek help and talk with someone.
In the US and Canada, you can call or text with trained counsellors any time of night or day at the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline https://988lifeline.org and https://988.ca/
- Call or text 988
- Chat with a counsellor at https://988lifeline.org/chat/
Chat is available 24/7 across the U.S. You don't need your phone. You can chat on your computer.
If you are not located in the US or Canada, here are additional hotlines to call:
- In the UK: Samaritans https://www.samaritans.org/ 116 123
- Worldwide https://befrienders.org/ Befrienders.org
@wannascreamintospace, it is good that you have reached out. We're listening. As much as you are living for your mom, please also take time to look after you (for you and for her). I know it feels like pushing a granite boulder up a mountain. Just one step at a time. For today, please call one of the numbers listed above.
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9 Reactionswannascreamintospace,
the depths of caring for you mom is wonderfully evident in your test. The resentment of the title leaves not a trace.
Your "ahedonia" seems situational. You don't want to go to work because: it isn't challenging enough?; you don't have good colleagues?; it doesn't pay enough? You do still want something better.
Sometimes we get trapped in jobs because they pay the bills. I'm guessing career counseling would be an advantage. What is that area you are interested in? Likely there is another avenue to that sort of career.
Sleep is a good escape. Screamingintospace is such a temporary relief. Dying might look easier but it is problematic--very painful and often the effort is unsuccessful. When it is unsuccessful the physical problems afterward will make you long for the good old screaming days. Maybe, search the internet instead for online courses.
wishing you and your precious mom longevity
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