Hello to Chris 20. It is hell on earth. You'd know what I'm saying. Whatever you do, whatever you say, nothing is going to be the same ever again. That wonderful person we married, had a life, a good life, is gone. Total dependence both physically, mentally and emotionally and gives no hint that she is aware of what is going on, so I cannot imagine even after almost 50 years of knowing her, what is going on in her mind. She won't talk about it at all, for reasons that may have to do with the illness or whether by personal choice. I am, and I presume most carers are, given grand advice to go out, find other activities, be with friends etc. My activities are related to my health problems and I am "allowed" to go to those, with a huge amount of "thank God you are home". Any other "outing" has to be negotiated and accepted with "if you have to". She is always accompanied by paid carers 24/24 who are great and very caring. But I am the one she always calls to do whatever is necessary. Guilt, plenty to have and share if anyone would take it. Trying to protect children and grandchildren, but gladly they are all wonderful and will visit whenever possible when work or school or their various activities will allow. I love sympathy but much prefer physical company. WhatsApp helps interact with the kids and the very few friends. Psychiatrist, Psychologist help one hours at a time and with meds. And yes, i want to feel that I did everything possible to make her life comfortable until the end and for her sake, she should go first, then I think "for my sake as well" and of course the guilt comes in. Sometimes more than the guilt is the anger, usually directed to my wife, which provokes more guilt. I keep wondering why such a slow dying process. I do not feel inclined to accelerate it, but the suffering for her must be awful (or not, who knows), and for me, well one gets used to it (or not). I did not mean to ramble, but this seems to be an acceptable place to do it. I wish all a huge ☺ smile (bigger than the one that appears), a good laugh (bellyaching laugh) and a big dose of patience (which wears out rather quicky, so we need a lot!). Think of the past (I am doing that with genealogy of the complicated family) and be satisfied that all are doing what it takes and never thought we could. We are stronger than we think, and hope that the rut we find ourself in will reach a calm sea with gentle waves to caress us with a feeling of a job well done.