Lung cancer stage 4: Anyone's spouse refuse to help themselves?

One more thing I want to share. For mental and state of mind relief, my sister and I found the perfect escapist way to offset our worries about our brother. We put together our family tree. Seriously - what an enterprise this has been. The things we have learned about our family and our history especially in England (where there are tons of records). And in early America! Oh la la! We both also did our DNA and have confirmed the trees and learned we have tons of cousins out there all over the country and in Canada. I put the trees into powerpoint reports, with pictures of the places and made the life stories of everyone - this way we get to know who they were and what they did. I sent these reports out to my cousins and they were shocked as no one of us knew anything about our great great grandparents and what they did, etc. One great grandfather was in the Revolutionary War in battles from Bunker Hill to Yorktown so we also read all about these battles too. It's very fulfilling. Doing work like that takes you back to the 1600s and 1700s etc. It has been a balm to our minds. Best to you - let's hope for the best for our two men in our lives. PS - your mom may have some good insights to share about your family! Stay happy!

Thanks for sharing how you and your sister are doing your family tree. Years ago, I joined ancestry.com and began doing mine, but after awhile, I quit. I did find some interesting things about both sides of the family. Not to poor mouth, I just don't have the money to do that again-at least right now. I had to quit my part time job so I could stay at home with my husband. I miss that extra money right now. My husband has now been overdrawn the last two months because he forgets to write everything down that he spends. Most of his extra money is spent on cigarettes. It would really help me if he would pitch in on paying the household bills but he does not. Well, he does pay for the cable, the oil, and the garbage. He is also paying monthly on the bill for our new furnace, air conditioner and well pump. I pay the mortgage, electric, homeowners insurance and all the taxes. When he is done paying his bills, he usually has around 900 dollars left for the month. I have about 400. And I am the one that buys the groceries, toliet paper, paper towels and all the other household stuff. I also am the one who gets the birthday gifts for the boys and all the christmas presents etc,. When I was working part time, it was doable, but now, it is so hard. He sent me to the store yesterday to buy him 12 packs of cigarettes. Gave me a credit card to use. Well, his credit card did not have enough credit on it for what he wanted and it was declined. so I spent over 100 dollars to buy him his cigarettes. He gets his ssd on next wednesday and I told him that he has to pay me back plus. Thank God for my mom. She is able to help me if I need it. I hate to ask her, but sometimes I have to. I am going to be 70 next month and it makes me angry that I still have to borrow money from her when Joe could be helping me more, Oh, well. Enough of that. Now I am dealing with bells palsy and I need to make an appt with a ENT. Within the last week, I have had two episodes where I choked on tea and was gasping for air before I could finally start to cough and get my breath back. Neither time did Joe come in and check on me. I thought I would die before I began coughing. When I began to cough, I knew I finally was getting air into my lungs. So I am going to go see an ENT. I don't know if if is a complication from the bells palsy or if something else is going on. When it rains, it pours. Thanks for letting me vent. I don't have a sister only two brothers. It is nice that you and your sister have a good relationship. How far away do you live from each other? My brothers and I all live in PA within a half hour of each other and my mom lives right up my driveway. Have a great day and I pray and hope your brother has a good day, too. And also your sister.

Vent all you want - we are also being financially squeezed because of our brother's situation and he is not helping us out. So I sympathize with your situation. For you - please relax and get out of the house more often and chill. Sounds like you are experiencing anxiety. Sorry to hear about the Bells Palsy - the last thing you needed. Sounds like your husband and our brother are equally as selfish and self-absorbed, sorry to say! I am 74 and in Arizona. My brother in Michigan. Again he can't talk at all for months now but it sounds like his pain is finally dissapating. The doctors want him in hospice care at a hospital.

Thanks for being so understanding. Yes, I think I am stressed. Even my hair has stopped growing. I got it cut at the last of November and I swear it has not grown an inch. At least it is not falling out. I did make an appt with an ENT but it is not until March 18th. Physically, my husband is not hard to care for. He still makes his own meals and gets his own drinks. If he asks me to get him something, I gladly do it. It is just the waiting. Knowing that one day it will begin to get worse. I do get out of the house when I can. I am supposed to meet some friends on Valentines day for lunch. So, I hope I can go . Today, I am making homemade dog food. It does not save much money but I like doing it for my two mutts. lol Are you married or have children? I have two boys ages 46 and 40. One is married but the other just lives with his girlfriend. No grandchildren. My oldest son and his wife don't want any and my other son's girlfriend is 45 and already raised her 3 boys. So, I had to settle for two granddogs. What part of Arizona do you live in? I have friends that moved out there and they love it. I have never been there. someday, maybe. My girlfriend and I had a trip planned to to go Tennessee last september. The day before we were to leave was when Joe overdosed on his pain pills and had to be intubated and taken by ambulance to the hospital. The next morning, he went into cardiac arrest but they were able to bring him back. Hospice got wise to his drug usage (with a little help from me) and now they will only give him a 3 day supply of pain meds. He brought that on himself. The only thing that I am addicted to is cigarettes. I was trying to quit when all this happened and it just hasn't been a good time to quit. That would just be more stress on me than it is now. I have quit before and it is hard without having any undue stress. I smoke a pack a day and went to the cheap cigs because I can't afford the price of the good ones. Well, none of them are good but my husband continues to pay 11 dollars a pack. But he has nothing else to do or look forward to. He can't go anywhere because he is not strong enough to walk far. He vomits a lot and is only about 90 pounds. HOw does your brother feel about going into a hospice home? We really don't have hospice homes around where I live. Only nursing homes or personal care homes. We live in Avonmore about an hour from Pittsburgh. I am a country girl but my husband grew up in the PIttsburgh area. We each had two different lifestyles from each other. But he said he would never move back to the city. So many cities are dangerous now. Give me my two lane roads and little towns and cows in the fields. 🙂

We had to get the wider family involved to help with the additional expenses due to the care for my brother as he was and will always be tone deaf when it comes to money. You are not in the position to shoulder these expenses on your own and should not be expected to do that. Meet with your sons and their SOs and tell them you need them to help out with these additional expenses. Tell them about his nearly wrecked banking account. How much he needs to do these things to get through stuff right now. Give the sons an amount they need to send you each month like 200-300 a month. Do that and that way they are more actively involved. Also let them fill in for you a couple times a month so you can take some mini-trips as it is grueling to be a care giver as much as you love doing that for your husband. You might be surprised to see how willing they are to help right now which will take the pressure off of you. I hope that will help you - but just do it. Everything will work out. Really - and take care of yourself. It's not easy being a care giver -

Thanks for the suggestion of asking my sons. My youngest son is not working now. He does construction work and is very irresponsible. Lets just say that every gray hair I have came from him. My older son does help me alot as far as fixing my car, etc., and helping fix things around the house. He is a great kid. I just talked to my pcp and told her about my choking. She used to be my husband's pcp until he over dosed on his meds. She told him that she would never give him a pain med again. She was so angry with him. Anyhow, she said, "I hate to beat a dead horse, but I think most of these health problems that you are having now are stemming from the stress you are dealing with." I feel like such a wuss because I know that I don't have to deal with things like other caregivers do. Your sister for instance, I am sure has a much more stressful job of caring for your brother than I do caring for Joe. But I know there will come a day when I will be doing much much for him. It is so hard to watch someone you love suffer day by day. but he isn't suffering as much as your other people including your brother. Prayers for all of you. Have a great rest of your day.

Thank you! I think you are going to be okay and will get through all this just fine. It seems the closer people get to their end, the more they rest and sleep. This is where my brother is now with my sister. He no longer is having the intense pain he had from the radiation as things have been healing from that treatment which is good. I pray that everyone has an easy time of it moving forward. I think your husband has been popping pills and smoking tons due to his own stress and pain and that soon he will ease up on all that. I wish you the best as this is hard, being a caregiver. Do good things for yourself. Important! Oh - I found out that my direct paternal line is filled with guys who preferred business and other community activities and were not really interested in having families or family life. Seems I got some of that mentality as I selected having a career life and being free of constraints like kids and mortgages. Was it an inherited trait - who knows but interesting! LOL. Have fun and with your husband too - I am sure he needs more joy in his life too. Best to you and him!

Good Morning. Sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your post. The last few days have been busy and yesterday was a horrible day. My husband was acting like a raving lunatic because he was having anxiety attacks. He was sobbing, shaking and he was screaming at me because I mentioned prayer for him. Told me to get away from him so I did. I left the room. I also was crying and did not know what to do. I called a priest as my husband is catholic but never a practicing one. I am methodist. Then I called Hospice to alert them of his behavior. The priest came out to give him his last rites. Joe seemed to quiet down at that time (of course, I had given him 3 of my own xanax). Hopsice did return my call and they said they would up his xanax. They told me that the next time he acts like this, I am to call them asap. He knows he is dying and he is angry and scared at the same time. I would be scared too. Then again, maybe he was in withdrawal because he was also out of his pain meds. He is an addict, I think I told you, and his meds have been cut way down since hospice found out about his overdose in september of last year. They have to protect their butt and I understand that. But if he makes them angry and/or tells them not to come back, he will have no one to give him pain meds. HIs pcp said she would never give him pain meds again because of all the times he lied to her. But if that happened, he would turn to street drugs. He is from a bad part of Pittsburgh and still has friends there that would get him whatever he needs. My Bells Palsy will never get better due to all this stress. This isn't the nicest thing to say but I wish the Lord would take him quickly and without any more suffering. Sorry for being so morbid today but yesterday just wore me out. I am sure you and your sister would understand. Have a good day.

Good morning! I think you did the right thing by getting a priest to come out to see your husband. I have read that so many people are now having a hard time facing death because they no longer have faith and believe in God and the after life like people used to. Must have been crazy with him the last few days. My brother's nurses who visit him for in-home hospice keep telling him he can have any drugs he wants (as it is the end for him) for anxiety and pain. And he is okay with what they are giving him. He just sleeps a lot now. I think you are right about his need for more pain killers - I mean why not? Maybe he needs more priest time too to help calm him down. I hope he gets more pain meds - I can't imagine being in his predicament esp if he is going through withdrawal - who needs that! And don't worry about being morbid. I just hope for the best for him and you!

You know it sounds like your husband is headed to another drug overdose, don't you think? Maybe it would be a good idea to take him to the hospital and have them treat him. I know nothing about what the best steps are to take in this situation. My brother is taking methodone which helps him with his pain - methadone is what they give people who are heroin addicts, it is an anti-opiate medication but it does relieve pain. I think you need to get a medical professional involved in what is going on. Hope this helps!