Lost my daughter to suicide will be 2 years ago in 2 days

I do know exactly how it feels. On March 2, it will be fourteen years since my daughter ended her life. In those years, I've travelled to Europe five times, spent months there; I've taken two long cruises, one through the Panama Canal; I've published a book; I've learned to ride a horse; I've volunteered as a professional singer to lead Mass but I lost my faith in "god" and I don't know if I can ever get it back. I've had therapy for fourteen years, psychiatrists, tried medications, I sold my house - couldn't stay in it without her. I've become someone else. I don't know this woman. And I don't care.

I have no other children, no grandchildren, she was the love of my life. I watched that damn illness take her out, over years. She was only 23, that's the "magic age" for menal illness in young people. She had been hospitalized four times, the third because I walked in on her when she was taking a bottle of klonopin, the fourth because they let her out of the psych ward where she had to go after the ER because of the pills, it was Christmas Eve. The damn hospital actually closed the psychiatric ward for Christmas. The day after Christmas, I found her fully clothed in the tub and she went back in.

She never came back from that psychotic break. She had been diagnosed schizoaffective bipolar type and was in Risperdal but not long enough for it to really help her. It takes a few months to take full effect, she wasn't alive more than six weeks after getting out of the hospital. She got away from me on March 2, she fooled me into thinking she was better and wanted to go buy an electric blanket because hers had stopped working. That's not what she bought.

I know everything you feel, by heart, except the hope you feel from your other children, I have no hope. You'd think it would get better but not only has it not gotten better, it's getting worse. I don't think I'm going to make it much longer. I have bad dreams, broken sleep, I'm exhausted, I have not one friend and not one living relative. I am totally 100% alone in this world. My friend since I was 22 years old, close long time friend, told me she couldn't "be there" for me when my daughter died. I was 64. So a friend of over 40 years left me high and dry. The other friend I had said she already had a friend who lost a daughter and couldn't "handle two of you". Her "father" is of no use whatever. He lives 150 miles away from where I bought the beautiful house she and I lived in from 2003 to her death and his grandchildren and legitimate daughter who is 11 years older than mine are the real people. My daughter and I were the ones who never mattered. That last Christmas day, which was so awful because she was so manic, he never even called to see how we were, let alone drove up here to spend the day and make sure it was safe.

I sit and wonder what you have to do to be born into a wonderful family, grow into the life you should have had because you had marvelous parents - as she had me, a strong, independent, loving and protective mother, the one I never had - and never have nightmare in your life. What exactly do you have to do. So there is no "god" in control of a damn thing. Whatever it is, it is not that. I can't pray.

I consulted a world famous psychic, you'd easily know his name, six times. He read me every time, he connected every time, it wasn't a trick and it wasn't a well rehearsed and oft repeated circus act. But it didn't help. Nothing helps. I'm an old woman now but for some reason, good genes and good health practices for a lifetime, I don't have any of the things that bother other people my age. I could easily live into my 90s like my mother at 95, both grandmothers at 93, my great uncle was 102. But I won't make it because I can't do it and I don't want to do it. So essentially, at some point, I'm going to have to make the decision to let myself out.

No one will miss me and it won't traumatize anyone. I wish I could tell you it gets better. I admin a group of 3,000 parents who lost a child to suicide. Not one of them got "better", not one of them went on with their lives as the same person. There's no "healing" from this. I did the best I could to try to go forward in life. I've seen places and things people only dream of. It doesn't help so the only think I can say to you is, you're not alone. We're out here.

I know it can't get better and my heart won't heal she will never be here in this life again. We are not meant to out live our children. My oldest sister had those mental issues too. It's heart breaking having a loved one in that mental state my sister took meds they'd help her alot at times and then she'd stop taking them for the safety of my children I had to distance from her years we did not speak when my daughter died she reached out to me. I love my sister we talked everyday for about a month she died from heart problems a month after my daughter. She was the only one who even seemed to care other then my other children whom are as broken as me. I hate your friend turned their back on you when you needed them the most for emotional support. I understand not wanting to be here any longer I would not have stayed a min after I knew my daughter was gone had it not been for my love of my children still alive cause I don't love me this world this life has always been a hard road for me loosing my mom at 12 I thought that was the worst pain anyone could feel I was wrong loosing our children is unbearable destroys who we are and like you said I don't know who it is I see in the mirror anymore don't know which way to go who I am supposed to be just don't know shit is how I feel other then this pain I know it too well it won't ever let me forget it when you had your readings did they connect you to your daughter I'm just curious on that I have been connected to mine I fully believe due to things she said I know I'll see her again but not till I get to that other side that's not healing my broken heart and soul here I just don't understand how some never go through 1% of what some of us get our whole lives or how we are expected to survive and thrive in all the pain we have from our lives being so hard I sure don't feel like the life I was given is any form of a precious gift feels more like a life sentence for a crime I never committed which I have lived with depression and stuff my whole life inherited from my birth family sorry if I'm not really making much sense or jumping around in my thoughts so this ain't making much sense it's how my thoughts kinda go since I lost Desi my daughter hard to think at times much less thoughts staying straight and clear when we have a nightmare on repeat in our heads now

Sister in Christ and pain, your "God" that has not been for you is not outside of you but a part of your fabric inside. Looking outside of yourself leads only to upset because that God is a fairytale.
I assure you that your Father, the source of all life is very real. If you seek and live only Truth, you will find it. The piece of you that seem to disappear the day your beautiful child was born has returned to you, only you no longer recognize it because all of her pain and experiences have been added to it. ofcoarse your not the same, the world shifted the day she died, everything changed. Test the father and I promise you can never disprove the father. Choose it, whatever will be a sign to you that your not alone here. A heart, a word a bird you will see it everywhere and as you seek and know one day restoration is given, the veil of remembrance is removed.
Never forget when you want to refine stone to gold you must burn it, beat it, over and over and over until all impurity is removed mono tomuc gold follows no dementia laws and travels free, the invisible purity.
You are more than you know, you must know yourself in order to stand in your true power and stop the torture of the flesh, You are NOT your flesh, you are not your brain, you are a child of the most high and this place has put you in a trance and this place is terrified that if you awaken your power cannot be stolen from you any longer. Our family grows weak from the refinement that is necessary, we do this to ourselves out of ignorance, we are the punisher. You know the helplessness of watching your child suffer and having no fucking way to stop it, try as we might we could not rescue them, free will, there will be no outside superman coming to save us, its on the inside leading the way out of this prison, go inside forget everything you thought was true and eat the bitter scroll. Time is short. I love you.
Nov 15 2024 my youngest of three sons, my right hand.
Left me by blowing his brains out with my oldest sons gun, the older brother who helped raise him because my husband 11died leaving me with three small boys in 08
He texted me and his girlfriend of 8 years and left. I die every day, having other kids does not make it fucking better, im gutted every second my body screams out for my baby boy. I struggle to keep it under control. My heart and spirit know he is here with me but my body is just not having any part of that. The flesh mourns out of greed, it wants to see him, touch him, hear him, it misses that, my spirit rejoices that his suffering is no more my baby is not in pain. My heart wishes he would have stayed for tge bigger purpose at play, we needed him.
So please know your loved, we are legion and your True Family is here with you. You are never abandoned never unloved. Put your crown back on your head and know who you are, never take it off again.
Never fall for the illusions of this dimension. The walls are coming down very soon.

WOW. You are so speaking to me since I know the "god" every religion describes is not "real". You and I really have an awful lot in common, my daughter died the same way as your son. I wish there were a way we could correspond because I don't think you're here in my path for no reason. I have significant psychic/spiritual stuff my entire lifetime. My connection with "god" has been strong since I can first remember as a very young child. It has come under severe testing and has evolved. I am beginning to see that some sort of super enlightenment is crashing all around me, I am taking the next "step" in consciousness, kicking and screaming and in the throes of horrific grief, anger, abandonment, terror and confusion. I don't know if this is allowed in this forum but I am going to give you an email address that is never used but is delegated to me: verlemagne@gmail.com. I'd like to correspond with you.

I have no right to comment on your suffering…I cannot carry it…but I witness it.

I know what it’s like when people look away.

One year almost to the day, I hung from a belt in my mother’s bathroom three days in a row hoping to die…I failed, not for want of trying.

My mother is 87 it would have killed her.

My children all four would have been traumatized forever. My pain, to my everlasting shame, out weighed my boundless love for them.

That I escaped that darkness again, it was not my first time, is by grace alone…and my ineptitude.

I can not know what is on the other side but I believe it is far better than what we suffer here.

Apparently it was not my time.

I am pretty sure, as sure as a man intimate with darkness an be, that your daughter, all of our loved ones who suffer more than they can stand are scoped up by God and held tight.

May he shower his grace upon you and let your grief transform to love…mine has.

I don’t know you…but I do…I honor your pain and all of the suffering that goes unnoticed.

For what it’s worth I notice.

May you live, really live, in peace and good health, it might be all we can do…I don’t know; but what else are we going to do.

I wish I could take it away the pain, yours mine, everyone’s.

If you believe…well you know.

Bless you!