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Why can’t people stop giving empty hope?
8 months ago I lost my husband. It took me a long time to find him. We were married a year and a half when he passed. We planned for a future and to build a little family. I lost my husband and any chance of starting a family of my own. I have a small window to have children and the moments are speeding by. I miss my husband terribly and am not coping well. Watching everything we planned get ripped away makes things so much harder. I’m alone now.
When I try to express my feelings to people I get the, “you’ll find someone.” “There’s someone out there forms you.” “You’ll have kids and find someone one day.” “Don’t be so negative, things will work out.” I’m so tired of these empty statements. They are invalidating and make me feel more alone. They get to move on because they were “a good person who was there for me,” when in reality it’s a scapegoat. They give unsolicited, non factual, empty statements and feel good about themselves. I sit here wishing I had died with my husband. I stop talking to people because of these responses. They make me feel worse by telling me to look on the bright side and stop thinking negatively, but this is my reality. My friends all have their own families. I have no one to share my life with. I worry I’ll be alone and no one will even visit me as I grow old and die. An existence without love, companionship, connection…what’s the point?
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I think this site is helpful. K
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1 ReactionThere is a woman from my church who offered to go to a support group/grief group for spouses. I am going to talk with her and figure out when the next one is so I can go. I’m going to give it a try.
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4 ReactionsI hope it is helpful!
I am older than you but have many of the same feelings.
People just want to give you support, hope, etc.
I would suggest looking on line as then you can pick & choose,
BUT BE VERY, VERY CAREFUL.... as there are kooks out there.
That way you can look in your age group.
Try to find a Grief Share program at your church or any other church. They are the same. It will be very helpful for you as it was for me. You are not alone. Others are suffering just like you. God bless you.
You must go through your grief. It is real and believe me, if it is ignored it will resurface throughout the rest of your life. I am not saying wallow in it, I am saying work through it. It is very important. If there is any way you can do counseling it can be helpful. God bless you.
I had to come back to add, it is also important to find even a moment of joy in something....no matter how small. You still have to heal and joy and laughter, no matter how out of place it feels right now, can be healing as you work through your grief.
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4 ReactionsSo sorry on the loss of your husband. I know how people like to "bright side" things--went through the same thing during cancer treatment with the "just keep a positive outlook at all times and you'll be fine" or "don't worry it will all be OK" people and sometimes I wanted to punch them (just a thought, I would never actually resort to hitting anyone).
Telling you that you will "find someone else" seems especially inappropriate because they make it sound like our loved ones are interchangeable. However, you also have to keep in mind the intention of the person saying it. Some people just don't know what to say and they say the wrong thing. I had much more grace for those people than I did for the people who just disappeared because they couldn't deal with me being ill.
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