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I Am Having Thoughts About My Sister I Do Not Want To Have
Having spent three long weeks with my oldest sister during December in an attempt to lift her spirits, given this was the first big holiday without her husband, who is in memory care, I have since found that we are more different than we are alike. Absent any support from her husband's wealthy family or her two adult children, I did the best I could to help her overcome her grief about spending this holiday alone. I made the mistake of thinking that I could convince to get some help by joining a support group for women/men like her who have spouses suffering from dementia. She is unable and unwilling to seek help, even tho her kids think she needs "therapy,' but would never suggest the same, given they all need help as a whole. While a horrible and hurtful argument between us occurred while I was there, once I arrived home, her ire and wrath toward me continued to the point where I became concerned about a number of things: she expressed being depressed to the point of being immobilized and also waking up each day with a 'dark cloud' hanging over her head, ending with 'I need to take a break from you,' which was a welcome relief. However, because of what I observed during my stay, such as her own memory issues, her denial about her serious health issues, etc. , I became concerned to the point where I contacted adult protective services in her county with the hope that perhaps hearing from a stranger that she 'really needed help' would go over better than my attempt to convince her of the same, I spoke to the social worker yesterday at length and layed it all out: family is concerned but will not help her, she had the ability to seek financial support above the $1OK that long term insurance is paying for my brother in law but she is too proud to ask his wealthy brother for extra money. See, anything above the $10K comes out of her pocket and things are beginning to add up. Her kids are ingrates and as I told the social worker, I am the only family member who believes that reaching out for help when needed is a strength as opposed to a weakness. I gave the social worker the number for my sister's brother in law's wife, as they are like sisters, and during my stay with my sister, I had a secret conversation with her, and she too expressed concern; however she also stated that because of my sister's memory issues, her refusal to seek help etc,. the remaining family members have decided to back off. I called APS out of an abundance of caution because I am deeply concerned about my sister, even tho I accept that she does not want to have anything to do with me, just like my middle sister. It is almost a relief, but still I care enough about her to have made this call, and the social worker assured me that they would make an attempt to visit her within 7 days. I explained that during my daily walks, the ones when my sister succinctly yelled at me, 'do not talk to the neighbors," I did talk to the neighbors and found that all of them are just as concerned as I am . Before I left I asked the man across the street, whose wife is also in memory care, 'please get my sister out of the house as she is very depressed.' While my plan worked and she is going out to dinner more often with some neighbors, I am afraid that she is going to 'go off the deep end' and for this reason I felt it was time for me to hand this off to someone else, like a professional. Of course I they will never tell her who made the call, and while she may or may not speak to the social worker, I am fairly certain I did the right thing, In all honesty she was very mean to me while I was there, which I attributed to the childhood trauma that both of my sisters and I faced, and which I have dealt with over a long period of time. I have this feeling like I never want to see her again because of the vile and spiteful things she said to me, and which I cannot forget. An example, I weigh 90 lbs because of an incurable disease, the house was cold and she refused to turn the heat on in the morning, mocking me, "oh I only weigh 90 pounds and I am cold...too bad." As you can imagine, this brought back some things about our twisted mother, telling me that my sister will forever be stuck in a time warp. I suppose I made the mistake of thinking she would have an ounce of gratitude for two things: her husband is getting the care he needs and is safe, and I took care of a lot of things around her house that her son "should'have done for his mother , but refused. Earlier today I called NAMI and shared that I felt like a caged animal, only wanting to distance myself from this situation, and that I had recently performed a ritual by burning and shredding a photo of my sister in an attempt to resolve these horrible feelings I am having about her. I know what it is like to be a caregiver for a demented person, given I cared for my best friend for two years ,unpaid, until I began my IV treatment. Surely there are others out there who are suffering just like my sister and I am curious how you were able to come to terms with your spouse's disease. I may never see my sister again, and I can say with certainty that this would not be the worst thing in the world to happen to me. I have always been the black sheep of the family, but I am also the strongest, and for this reason I have stepped back with the hope that APS will lead her in the right direction. I will try to respond timely, but given my post concussion syndrome symptoms and glaucoma from the meds given for headaches, it is very difficult to use the computer. However I felt this was important enough to post tonight because I cannot stop thinking about how angry I am at both her family and her for not being able to face this situation head on. But I realize my expectations are too high, in light of the fact that when I need help, I know it is okay to ask. I also had to call APS with respect to my best friend because when I stopped by her apartment a week ago it was obvious she had not eaten or had water in a very long time, her apartment was a wreck and the best I could do was give her an Ensure and that I would call the maintainance people to fix her refrigerator that had leaked water all over the floor. APS planned to take a cop with them to do a welfare check because 'we" all know she should not be living alone. This is just the tip of the iceberg for now, thank you very much
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I hope they are able to intervene and help your sister and friend. Regarding your sister, when people are resistant to care, the options are limited. I try to take that into consideration when evaluating why other people may no longer be communicating with them and not judge them too harshly. I realize this must be quite distressing. Best wishes for you and your family.
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4 ReactionsThank you. Given that I know I have a higher level of emotional intelligence than my sister's family combined, I have few expectations. It's really too bad that the word 'grateful' does not enter her mind. But I do realize that when some are as depressed as my sister is, nothing can be done to help her 'reframe' her thoughts. I do not judge anyone, but she sure enjoys judging me, and this is getting old.....I remain hopeful that APS is successful, and I can sleep at night 'knowing I did the right thing,' and maybe at some point in the future she will be able to thank me, altho I do not expect even that.
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1 ReactionI hear the pain you are feeling on so many levels. It's hard to care for someone with so many other issues pressing in.
You say you are okay asking for help and have done so for others. I am hoping you can do some true self care and spend some quality time focused on your struggle, and do so with intention, with a professional . Time to walk through all you are thinking and feeling.
Someone who can hear all the pieces you didn't share, and the wounds you are experiencing. To help you move forward more easily as things progress .
Have you found that person to work with?
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4 ReactionsMy goodness, this is terribly distressing for you. You are in an impossible situation. I’m so sorry you have to carry the burden of the worry and responsibility of actually making the call to APS, in addition to all the emotional distress that comes with this. Take care of yourself and know you have alerted the proper authorities. So difficult when loved ones won’t listen and respect your position of unrelenting attempts of assistance. Lashing out is so hurtful, no easy way to process that behavior.
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2 Reactionsin reply to @777dogwood Thanks. While the 'call' to call APS seemed to be a tough decision, it was indeed one of the best things I have done for myself in a long time. As I explained to the social worker, my sister's entire family thinks 'she needs help,' but is unwilling to discuss this with her. Of course, the entire family 'needs help,' something I observed during my visit with my sister. While my sister may or may not speak to a social worker, at least I know that I did the only thing I could think of in order to ensure she does not become even more unhinged than she already has become. And as far as my brother in law with the dementia, I ran into someone yesterday who knew a lot more about the facility he is in, and now I understand why he is doing as poorly as he is. My niece was behind making the choice of where to place him, and I guess she thought that 'more money' meant better care, which is not the case. And while this may seem coarse, I simply don't care anymore and as a result I finally feel free from the 'family of origin,' having discussed all of this with the rector at my church last week. I had been brainwashed my entire life 'you only have one family, this one,' and while I knew this to be untrue, I feel even better about the 'family' I have built, one that is full of people who support and respect one another with out judgment. It's not up to me anymore to save my sister, and even though she cannot seem to save herself, I have relinquished any 'obligation' I may have felt to be the only remaining family member that was willing to step up and help her do those things that her kids 'should ' be doing. I suppose it was helpful that I made a new board in my art area where I stick up large sticky notes depicting everything I want to scream at them. It is working quite well, right alongside the note I have to put up to remind myself what I need to do in order to take care of myself.
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4 ReactionsI’m so glad you are taking these steps. Sounds really positive and it’s not easy to constantly feel like you have to put everyone before you. Good for you! You’ve done everything you can and talked to everyone, too. I hope you feel some weight lifted.
in reply to @777dogwood Thank you so much. It's weird. During my walk yesterday and running into a complete stranger and exchanging phone numbers, talking about the dog she had just rescued from the SPCA, a beautiful 10 year old shiny, happy pitbull, and telling me she wanted to purchase the adjacent property that used to be a school of sorts and convert it into an assisted living place, with her living behind it, I said "oh wow, I used to volunteer for 'habitat for humanity, and I know my tools...and I will help you,' I continued on my walk and ran into another couple during which we discussed the fires in L.A and that one time I worked on the CAT team for an insurance company meeting people aside their totally burned homes, asking them how much money they wanted to 'get a room and some food etc,' and that as a result I am unable to watch the news about the fires because I know first hand what it is like to meet those who have lost everything. Their gratitude, while grief stricken was remarkable. Same with the bad hurricane in Hawaii many years ago, it was no vacation I can tell you that. Think: no power, not hot water...but the point of all of this is that later I took a picture of myself behind a wrought iron fence to remind myself that I am no longer enchained to my past, and all of a sudden the only words I could come up with at that moment were, "I am free..." While my sister still owes me several hundred dollars for the groceries she 'forgot to buy' before my arrival, at some point I will send her an email outlining the costs and see if she is willing to reimburse me. If she does not, I am not going to argue over this with her, as it is not a battle I want to fight if it saves my own sanity. I just hope that her brother in law's wife is as honest with the social worker as she was with me when I made the secret call to her during my visit. I can only say that I was blown away by what I heard. Later my sister said to me when I wanted to buy her husband a nice set of pens to use at the facility....$6 for 24 sharpie pens from Amazon( I made the mistake of thinking she could take them with her when she visited her husband,) but no....her response sounded just like it came out of my mother's mouth when I was a kid, "NO NO NO NO WHAT ARE U THINKING!" It was at that point that I realized the extent of her anger and resentment about her situation, and I have to say I walked back to my bedroom and thought to myself, "she is just like our mother, cruel..." My god, you would think she would have an ounce of gratitude that 1)husband is safe; 2)she does not have to scream at him anymore to use his walker (that she often hid from him), and 3) there is no hope. I was involved in the recent study that the MC did for lucid moments in dementia patients because I used to care for my best friend, and I can say with 100 percent certainty that with some prompts, my friend is doing 100 percent better than my brother in law because all she needs is a prompt and she is taken back decades telling me all kinds of stories about her childhood, the war, and how she survived her own awful childhood. The way things look now, it does not appear that my sister's family has any concept of dementia, or they have remained in deep denial about their father's condition. While in the guestroom I saw a card and gift certificate laying on the desk and it said, "Mom, I got this for all of us to go have a 'spa' day, and I can pick up dad and we can all have a massage." I thought, how awful, given my brother in law is confined to a wheelchair and has no clue what a massage is, even tho he used to get them predementia. I wonder how many other families like this deal with the deep denial, which I found cruel. I could only imagine what my sister felt when she saw that gift certificate, as I thought if any one needed a spa day it was my sister, not her husband.....now I am a bit sorry I did not take it with me along with a treasure of other documents, pictures, tools and other stuff that my sister will never even miss, given they were packed in a box in the garage...shaking my head because all of this feel like a bad movie that keeps getting scarier, but I am glad I not playing any role....now and never. Thank you for your kindness and support.
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