rachel6 thank you yes its been a long haul for me as well and overwhelming now at 77 i may have said before and sure dont like to leave my family but i am not as scared of dying but of suffering and being out of control and making my decisions and not having someone make them for me is important to me... it may sound selfish but I have a limit to my pain and other issues...and while I honestly and wholeheartedly understand there are many with heavier burdens than mine, I cant spend another summer as the past 3 in my room mostly although i am able to go to dr appointments etc., as I think I started a chat site: Is it Depression or Demoralization and for me its the latter and I can see no light at the end of the tunnel and I just wish has the inner strength of many others who fight through all this.... I just dont have the strength any more and if it were not for the odd hour here and there of some almost normal feelings, well......